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Parenting

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Original poster

What age are your kids allowed a boyfriend? (or girllfriend)

55 replies

bellabreeze · 30/09/2012 01:51

My eldest girl is 12 and not allowed a boyfriend yet. My younger girls won't be allowed one at 12 either but I don't have rules for when the boys will be allowed girlfriends. I want to know if you set an age or just waited to see if they got 1?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 30/09/2012 01:54

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peanutMD · 30/09/2012 02:06

My mum just let me go with out because she trusted me and spoke openly about contraception and not feeling pressured etc from the age of about 11.

She was also open and welcome about it so that I would feel comfortable bringing then to or house as opposed to hiding it, so atleast she knew who he was.

she also never expected it to be anything serious and wanted me to learn to deal with the mishaps of relationships... Imagine her surprise when I brought hone a boy at 14and 12 years later we're still together :o

NatashaBee · 30/09/2012 02:09

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cory · 30/09/2012 18:55

How do you define a boyfriend/girlfriend? Ime (both from own childhood and motherhood) what an 11yo calls a boyfriend is not the same as what a 17yo calls a boyfriend. To the 11yo it is quite likely to be someone she doesn't even talk to much but who is officially "going out" with her; it's more a way of announcing that you have a crush on someone and noone expects those relationships to last. To the 13yo it is more likely to be someone you walk around the playground with and maybe kiss behind the lockers. To the 15yo it is likely to be something more passionate that takes up a good deal of your spare time and to the 17/18yo it is probably someone you are planning to got to bed with. Of course I wouldn't want my 12yo to have a 17yo-type girlfriend- but I don't think it's very likely either.

I think if you forbid it until a certain way, you are kind of telling them that in your books a boyfriend/girlfriend has to go the full hog. Which is not the idea I want my 12yo to get really.

Startailoforangeandgold · 30/09/2012 19:18

Allowed, allowed, how can you allow or not allow a boy friend. DD1s best friend at primary school was, good grief that alien species, a Boy!

They drove youth group mad sneaking off together. Were they having a quick snog. No they were discussing Dr. Who.

modifiedmum · 30/09/2012 19:21

They can have a bf/gf whenever they want. My first bf was in year 8 for a year but we only ever kissed and he touched my boob (lol) and we would hold hands. We weren't allowed to stay at each other's houses and we never had sex. I wasn't allowed anyone to stay the night or in my room till i was 16 and the same rules will go for my little boy as well.

Yika · 30/09/2012 19:24

I think it's very unhealthy not to allow boyfriends and girlfriends. You can't lay down any rules about when your children might develop romantic feelings. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly justified to make rules about time spent together or when they are allowed to stay overnight etc, but I think these would need to evolve along with your children's relationships.

SauvignonBlanche · 30/09/2012 19:25

What do you mean, "allowed", how does that work?

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 30/09/2012 19:29

Dd is 16 and never had a boyfriend despite being gorgeous
just not interested at the moment.
She has a couple of boys as friends who she's known for 12 years.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2012 19:35

It is a bit naive to think it is up to you. People seem to think that they can lay down a rule and the DC just falls in! Some will, but some will be very devious and if they are good at it you will never know!
DS1 had one at 5yrs-they were going to be married and wanted our cat to live with them. (he had a proper one at 17yrs-the time that it occurred naturally).

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 19:38

DS2 (10) had a girlfriend. She was a year older than him. Love letters, soppy texts, teddy bear gifts, the lot.

I think he was a rubbish boyfriend though. She dumped him and told him it wasn't 'going well' between them.

BizarreLoveTriangle · 30/09/2012 19:47

They can have a boyfriend whenever they want - I'll just make sure that it stays age-appropriate. Dsd1 had her first 'boyfriend' at 12. They kissed on the cheek a few times and he bought her a teddy from Clinton Cards. She's now 17 and her boyfriends are a little more serious.

Original poster

bellabreeze · 30/09/2012 20:48

By allowed I mean that it is a rule. Hmm well I am nearly 32 and when I was younger I wasn't allowed a boyfriend and neither were a lot of the girls at school, I reckon it can bring a lot of problems.. these days a lot of 12 13 14 15 year old girls are sexually active. I think it gives girls pride to turn boys down so they dont get a reputation as a slag etc

OP posts:

Fobwatch · 30/09/2012 20:51

Bella

I would not allow my DDs to have a bf before age 16, the legal age of sexual consent. So they don't get a reputation as a slag.

But I would let my DSs have a gf at any age because boys don't get termed slags.

FFS

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/09/2012 20:54

My DS has a fiancée. He's 5!

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 20:57

Allowed? that just means the difference between TELLING your parents and sneaking off, its not the difference between DOING it and not doing it!

when I was a young teen the friends of mine who "weren't allowed" boyfriends were all the most sexually active!

Startailoforangeandgold · 01/10/2012 00:15

If you don't allow something it becomes very attractive.

Even my very rural DDs could organise to cycle somewhere secluded and have sex if the boy was prepared to do likewise.

Lies can be told about sleepover locations and guest lists. Mobile calls can come from anywhere.

You cant lock your daughters up!

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 00:24

and teenagers don't just have sex in the evening to a permanent curfew wouldn't work either..
I had friends who had sex during school hours, down the back of the bus depot etc

If boyfriends/girlfriends are totally banned, then logically you are in trouble if you just kiss and hold hands, and you are in trouble if have sex.. so what's the difference?

And if you find yourself in a situation where you're pressured, but you're not meant to be there at all (as happened to friends who were banned from boyfriends), its much harder to call your parents and ask them to collect you!

negativecreep · 01/10/2012 00:28

Back of a bus :S thankfully i was quite sensible then as i'd never have dreamed of fucking on a bus as a teenager, thats vile!

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 00:31

the bus depot

they were empty but you could easily open them (there was some emergency handle thingie)

popular skiving place, I only ever smoked cigarettes in them but boyfriends/girlfriends would often meet in them

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 00:33

there were much more dodgy places that young teens could go to during the day if they couldn't meet up after school to hold hands and have a wee kiss with their little boyfriend/girlfriend! There were a few kids who had really dodgy (druggy) older siblings who had flats in town with a bit of an open door that anyone could go and hang out in

don't the banners remember being young?

exoticfruits · 01/10/2012 07:45

I don't think the can remember! You only have to read autobiographies of famous people to find out what they really got up to. Jenni Murray, the respectable presenter of Woman's Hour, used to leave the house, aged 14, in mother chosen clothes to a mother chosen activity, change into clothes and makeup kept at her friends- go to a disco- get changed back, having scrubbed off the make up- arrive home at the correct time.
Even my great aunt before the war used to go to dances entirely unbeknown to her mother- until someone let the cat out of the bag!
They don't change - if they have a boyfriend it is much better to know about it.

usualsuspect3 · 01/10/2012 07:49

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exoticfruits · 01/10/2012 07:51

I always get very annoyed about double standards.

bigTillyMint · 01/10/2012 07:54

IME, and within our circle of friends, a boyfriend at 12 just means that a boy has said "can I go out with you?", the girl has said "yes" and then they may or may not text/FB/chat when they see each other. At 13 it seems to be still the same, although they may meet up in the park/cinema, etc with a group of other friends. They almost certainly will never have even kissed.

However, in other circles, a girl/boy may well be sexually active at 12 or 13. There are some girls/boys in DD's year group (Y9) who seem to be sexually active.

We have not "banned" our DD, but we do talk a lot and she is very aware of what is/is not acceptable. She is also extremely waring of getting a reputation. Maybe you should think more about talking and making your views clear rather than "banning" which may make it look more attractive, IYSWIM?

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