How to reduce stress response to 14wko

[Cosmo89]

DS is loud. Very loud. Always has been.

When he cries, he yells full throttle, and it goes right through me. I obviously try and avoid him crying but I can't avoid them completely. He fights sleeP - yells instead. He hates the buggy now - yells when we're moving about. I'm not saying he cries all the time, but enough and intensely- its the no-one looks at u on a train kind of cry/ someone comes up to you to tell u what's wrong with ur baby (and everyone seems to know- usually (actually!) he's just tired)

Im starting to feel constantly on edge, I've got that rush of adrenalin always rushing through me ll the time. DM says he picks up in my anxiety but I don't know how I can reduce it. At night now, DP has had to settle him a few times because I get so stressed when my efforts to get him back to sleep fail. Even when I do settle him, I can't get back to sleep because I feel so anxious.

What's wrong with me? How can I sort this- part of me thinks it's unsortable without some good time off- not happening!

Does he have a dummy?

DS used to scream and scream no matter what we did to soothe him - it turned out he was overtired. I eventually left him alone on the bed after 1.5 hours incessant screaming and he went straight off! Next night we put him down and left him at the START of the screaming fit and he went straight to sleep again. People look at me judgily when I talk about it but sometimes leaving them alone for a while is the best course of action for both of you.

I do feel sorry for you, you sound so tired. Totally understand what you mean about not liking your current life - I really want to go back to work because it's less emotionally draining!! At least at work you're allowed to grumble, for some reason people judge when you complain about your kids not that it stops me mind you

He won't flipping take one!!!! I had tried and tried and tried.

I haven't read your other responses but I'm a mum of 3 and I think that unsettled 14 week olds outnumber the settled.

My first was unsettled until 20 weeks and I only left the house when I had to (food shopping, doctors appointments). I was too self conscious about his crying to go out.
My youngest was carried in a sling until 18 weeks but I was less self conscious so took him out everywhere regardless of crying which was significantly reduces thanks to my Kari-me.
The look you get when your baby cries is not always critical. Trust me- a lot of the looks will be "Thank God it's not my kid" or "Thank God that stage is over."

I agree Herrena -he's exhausted, so overtired, but he doesn't go to sleep no matter what I do, including putting him to bed and letting him get on with it.

Ah, work - those happy days! Bloody hell I feel like having a cigarette, and I haven't smoked for years.
And I think you're right crazygracieuk - I' sure so many people have been through it and are supportive. They are less likely to say anything though - I've had people coming to tell me what I'm doing wrong "he's too hot/cold/hungry....needs to be fed/picked up (on a crowded and unstable tube train!!WTF)..." when actually HE IS TIRED

If you were a complete failure as a mother you either wouldn't be there or you wouldn't care!

I was exactly where you are when DS was a baby. He had silent reflux (I discovered when 4.5 months old) and screamed morning, noon and night. Walking him in the sling/pushchair helped to a certain extent but he was just miserable all the time.

I had some CBT around this time and realised that a lot of my anxiety was based on how I assumed other people perceived me. This is what you're doing - you're projecting your feelings onto others saying they 'must' be thinking this or that.. You have no proof! I definitely think some CBT is the way to go, it's not going to stop him crying but it will help with how you view it, react to it and deal with it.

I also agree that a stress response is normal, in the wild crying would attract predators so it is instinctive to want to make it stop.

I wonder if you were left to cry as a baby/how your distress was dealt with etc. I only say this because I was left to cio and basically told to shut up whenever I was 'feeling' something and as a result have few coping skills. I also get very angry and frustrated if DS cries for long periods and I feel useless, or like I've exhausted my methods of comfort - I think this is common in people who've not been 'taught' that emotions are natural and allowed, it takes a lot of strength to fight these feelings but I think taking yourself off for 5 minutes is preferable to staying and reaching breaking point in front of your child.

I suspect like mine, your DS will become easier as he is more mobile and able to communicate. In the meantime please make sure you are asking for help. From your GP, your OH, family and friends (I'm thinking babysitting not advice lol) and if you need to send him to nursery early, just do it! I think you have to do what you can to make the whole family happy, if you're not OK you can't be there for your child. I think you are coping much better than you think, hope things get better soon :)

Cosmo89 - I really feel for you, I have a 19 wk old that is similarly challenging. Fwiw, here's a summary of the advice I've had from a very experienced maternity nanny that I've tried out into practice and its really helped. Feel free to ignore (and you've probably already tried a lot of it am sure):

• if ds isn't getting enough sleep this is probably the key cause of his meltdowns so maybe try to focus on changing that. My dd is v grisly when tired. If your ds isn't getting enough sleep during the day then this is likely to make his nighttime sleeping worse, so you could try to introduce a routine eg roughly same times for naps each day, maybe follow his bedtime routine for daytime naps etc. I try to make dd nap every 2 hours ish. If he will sleep in the pram, then maybe use this for some of his naps, even though this doesn't give you a break unfortunately.

• I used to make the mistake of diving in as soon as dd started whinging in the cot, especially at night. I've now stopped using the monitor and try to wait till its proper crying. Since doing that dd sometimes stops whinging and goes back to sleep. You could give it a go for a few days?

• a Hv once said to me 'would you save your child from being run over even if yanking them back made them cry?'. Helping your ds sleep is one of the best things you can do for him. Sometimes babies really do need to cry to shut out the world and get themselves to sleep. It's not your fault.

• have you tried a dummy? Some babies really need to suck to soothe themselves and can't find their thumb till their older.

• don't underestimate how rubbish sleep deprivation can make you feel, it makes everything so much harder to cope with. You are NOT a rubbish mother or a failure. The very fact you are trying so hard shows that.

• do try to get out. If ds cries in the pram try walking on busy roads where you can't hear it so much, I swear some of the most stress relieving walks I've had have been on a rainy day (rain cover also shuts out the sound).

• it helps to have a good moan to like minded mums, lots of parents find it very hard. Ignore the smug mums, they'll be the ones with nightmare toddlers ;)

• there's a time and a place for cc. I've had advice from a GP, Hv, midwife and various mums who have tried it and have normal, happy children. It's thought to work better from 6 months though.

If you want to message me feel free, happy to let you know the routine am using. My dd just responds better to consistency and predictability, doesn't work for everyone but may be worth a try.
Really hope things improve for you.