My temper and its consequences

[Rezimezi]

Sorry for the long one in advance, please bear with me on this one, I have a lot to say...

I have recently 'lost it' with my dd1 (2yr 4mo). I had a tantrum for a good 5-6 minutes, as part of that I chucked her into bed and shouted at her whilst holding her down and I think I have scared the hell out of her with this.

I'm at home with my two dds. The younger is 7mo old, since our minder left us 4 months ago I have no help other than dh who is great in his own way, but he is at work all day, comes home late and his help is frequently 'too little too late'. I have no time for anything (including myself), I'm on my feet from 6am to 10-11pm all day, every day, no lunch break, no coffee break trying to keep the place in order, teach and entertain at the same time and haven't had more than 3 hrs sleep in one go (normally a total of 4-6hrs a night) for the past year thanks to dd2, not much more before with dd1 either... To be absolutely honest, I'm knackered ALL THE TIME and I just feel I desperately need a break!

Not looking for excuses, but I just really seem to be hitting the edge here, having difficulty controlling myself sometimes. Which is no surprise, actually, I grew up with a father having VERY SERIOUS issues on that.

But my real concern is the impact of what happened, on my daughter...

She used to be this kid I was always sooo proud of. I am raising her according to Montessori principles (as much as I can) and she used to be great in concentrating and completing things, rarely whimpery, always convinceable with some kind words, a bit shy, but normally a very happy bunny, very balanced, very easy to deal with etc...

Since the above scene last week I seem to spot lots of (new) problems: she doesn't want to do anything, kind of 'bored', if we start something she drops it in 30 seconds and I can't convince her to finish it, no more afternoon naps (which is an absolute disaster on top of what we have already), she frequently simply ignores me, is much less loving than she used to be (a bit distant and unapproachable), also very impatient and wakes at night - sometimes crying. Some of these aren't exactly new (she did have a period of waking after younger sibling's birth but nothing in the recent past and they started again on the night after the shouting) and patience has never been her strength, but most of them I am clearly connecting to the above event. I did shout before (really trying no to do it much, but it did happen), but normally not AT HER and not in her face whilst holding her down! It was just so brutal of me... I don't know how I could do this to her.

Now I'm full of remorse, I feel so ashamed and afraid of the consequences of what I have done. Are these signs really because of my actions (I think yes) and will they fade? What permanent damage have I caused (she is so young and at such a sensitive age)?! What can I do to correct my mistake (other than giving lots of love and patience and try working through this in the hope that it will get better) and will I be able to correct it at all?

I did talk to her about it a few times since, apologised and told her I'm not doing it ever again (ohhh, God, I will really try), but I seem to find her being kind of scared and cautious when she suspects, or, rather assumes, that I'm getting angry about something. The slightest raise of my voice makes her say 'mummy don't be angry' and she looks so worried...

Or is it somewhat normal to turn to this 'terrible two' SO suddenly? Could some of the problems be my fault, some of them be 'normal', even if she wasn't like this before?

Anyone out there able to give answers? I'd appreciate it so much!
Thanks...

OK, if it's truly been an isolated incident then she will be fine. You need to get over your remorse and be a normal mum to her - wallowing in your mistake isn't helping her.

You need to totally address this though. It's very serious to get to that stage. Nobody can blame you for losing it - two year olds are hellish at the best of times, when coupled with a baby and no sleep it's a terrible combination. So you need to take responsibility for getting yourself some support.

Call in favours. Sort out what childcare you can afford to allow you a break. Tell your husband how serious this is.And I would definitely get in touch with your HV and ask if they can suggest anything to help.

Good luck. It's tough but this has to be a wake up call.

Welcome to the Terrible Twos.

Seriously though, you sound knackered and at the end of your tether. You need help. It is not unheard of to lose your temper with a small child that seems to have gone from being your little darling to a devil child.

It Will Pass. It will. Honestly. It might take a while but now you know what to expect you are prepared. Your dd might be an absolute little shit sometimes but it is perfectly normal, however you are raising her. She has to learn how to behave. What's acceptable, where the boundaries are, what pushes mummy's buttons, etc. It is perfectly normal behaviour for a small child.

This is where you learn that the temper you have as a grown up is no longer valid with a small child around. Believe me, I have learnt the hard way not to shout at my children because they shouted back at me. I realised that not only was it ineffectual but they had become desensitised to it. Obviously I don't shout at them now.

You'll both learn. Don't worry if you shout occasionally. No-one's perfect. Take it from who knows!

I don't mean to be rude but it sounds like you're expecting an awful lot from such a small child! I don't think she can be relied upon to behave in a rational way all the time, toddlers are very emotional and it's not their job to 'pay attention' 'be loving' or 'be patient' - she's just a child!

Having said that it's obvious you're under a huge amount of pressure and feel terrible for losing your temper with her. I feel it's important you get some help, both practically with childcare and also see your GP about flying off the handle.

I grew up in an environment where my mum would fly off the handle at any given moment. I never knew if she'd be in a bad mood, a good mood or if anything I did would be greeted with indifference, (rare) encouragement/praise or being yelled/snapped at or perhaps a smack. It stunted my development in terms of being able to deal with my emotions, crushed my confidence and made me feel nothing I did was good enough. It's taken me a long time to feel like I'm 'allowed' rights and opinions of my own that are as valid as anyone else's. I really wish my mum had admitted she had a problem with her temper and was struggling to parent and got some help.

There's no point in staying in a cycle of temper/remorse.. It's going to have a huge effect on your relationship with your children and how they view themselves if you don't do something about it soon.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and tell him what's happening, you probably need to tell him exactly what you need from him if he's not forthcoming. Do you have anybody else you can ask to look after the children for a few hours so you can go for a coffee/have a nap or a bath? If not can you afford to put the children in some kind of nursery one morning a week to allow you to recharge your batteries?

You're clearly concerned about how your behaviour is effecting your children which in itself in my mind makes you a good parent, I just think you need to nip this vicious circle in the bud and take care of your own emotional needs before it becomes a pattern you can't get out of and has a lasting effect on the whole family.

Of course it was unfortunate that you lost your temper and it is clear that you are very sorry about it.

But you need to be aware that everything you tell us about your dd is normal, normal, normal. 2yos are Like That. They suddenly hit a phase and become Very Hard Work. Perfect parenting won't stop it, it's a part of their development. And sadly, dropping naps at this age is not that unusual; ds never slept in the day once he hit age 2.

In this situation, you need to look after yourself and have a plan for what to do when things get tough. You need, as CupOfTea said to spell out exactly to your dh what he can do to make things easier. You need to see if there is anyone else who can help give you a break. Are there any playgroups or coffee mornings around your way? Even a quick cuppa with other people in the same boat whilst your dd is being entertained can be a great help. And you need a plan for when you are about to lose it. I used to spend a lot of time in the kitchen at this stage making cups of tea I didn't really want just to get out of the way. I used to sing a lot to keep myself from shouting. I kept dd on reins when we were out.

Your local college will have students on childcare courses looking for work experience and placements. Phone them and see if you can get one. it's free.

You desperately need some help, I've been you, we all go mental. It's why sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

i feel like i can only just about see the tiniest pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel now, and my dc are 10, 5 and 3.

the first couple of years of dc3's life were what i can only describe as traumatic. when i think about them now i get a cold lonely feeling. that is not to say that i didn't have moments of joy and wonder, because i did. but the general day to day slog of it all was overwhelming.

for me it's the age gap. i had 5 years between the first 2 and honestly it was a piece of cake. then a 2 year gap. not so easy. i can think of a few examples of complete crapness comparable to your bed incident. one was on my birthday when the little one had wet himself and the older one was trying to comfort him, and i was literally hiding under the duvet in my bedroom.

i used to read mumsnet and be jealous of women who had older children, and never really believe that i would get to that point - and yet here i am, and where i am YOU WILL BE.

your dd sounds absolutely normal and lovely, and so do you. don't waste time worrying. trust yourself.

agree that it would be a good idea to get even a little bit of help. if the phoning the college doesn't work out, have you got any friendly teenagers around? they are fantastic with small children - they have a similiar outlook on life

don't be downhearted. it is all so worth it.

take care

You poor thing, it's sounds like your starting to think of yourself as some kind of monster which you quite clearly aren't. You made a mistake and many of us have been there. It's still a mistake and it's good that you know you won't do it again - but you can't keep punishing yourself.

When I was about 7 months pregnant with DD and feeling awful I 'lost it' with my 4 year old DS who was going through a phase of really playing up at bed time. I chucked him in the bed and threw one of his toys across the room . I apologised immediately, gave him lots of cuddles and took him into my bed to watch a movie and eat chocolate ice cream. I still feel AWFUL about it. But at the same time the poster who said that you need to move on from this is right. You need to have confidence in yourself as a loving parent - which you clearly are.

I second getting help. I don't mean of the psychiatric kind :) ... but you need some respite. Some time off! It will make you feel like a new woman.

Please be kind to yourself. Also, I'm not meaning to trivialise the situation, but why not do something lovely for your DD. Some kind of treat e.g. day out / chocolate picnic / toy. It will make you both feel better. There's nothing wrong with a bit of spoiling every now and then, and it could give you an opportunity to apologise to her again. I'm all for apologising to children. Although my mum would have rather died (still the case :) )!

you're

well done for posting rezimezi- I know how much courage that must have taken. I know where you are coming from and am further down the line. when my dd was born, my ds had real trouble coming to terms with it, mainly due to massive age gap (he is 7, she is 19 months). his behaviour really went downhill and i have lost my temper with him more times than i can remember. I have shouted in his face, yanked him around the room when he refused to get washed/dressed etc, thrown things, sworn. all stuff I really am not proud of. So, i put myself down on waiting list to get some counselling after seeing GP and admitting I was not coping great. Son has been referred to CAMHS as even without my negative role model there were issues and the fact we are getting help just makes me feel less alone. Dh works away alot and has been very strict on ds but he is learning to back off. i feel like I am a good mum 80% of the time but i am more bad tempered stressed and grumpy than i would like to be. My Mum had my ds for the weekend just gone and GOD did i miss him. it made me realise that i take out some of my frustrations with dd on him, poor kid. We all realise we take each other for granted and have definitely been a much happier family this week. Definitely admit that you need help, whether it be from family or professionally.
Nicecupoftea's comments have made me think. i would never want my children to think of me like that. sometimes we all try to hard to be the perfect Mum when maybe if we eased off on ourselves we would be better parents.good luck x

We can all really loose it occasionally. You sound really tired & finding things a slog at the moment. But, I do think your moods are having an effect on your dd, especially saying, don't be angry mummy, & waking & crying at night.
You need to forgive yourself, but spend lots of time cuddling & reassuring your dd.
She is two, still a baby really, but also learning to say no,& want things more on her terms.
I don't know why you are on your feet & so busy all day every day. Do you have high housework standards etc? I have a large family, but don't remember being so busy All the time.
You need to find time each day for you-an hour if possible, especially as you are so tired. And if your dh is at home at weekends, get him to at least take your eldest out for a few hrs. You need to do this to stop you becoming more tired and angry.
Cut yourself some slack, you don't need to teach & entertain your dd every day. She may like some time just playing with her toys herself. It is ok to put a DVD or CBEEBIES on for an hour each day, while you feed the baby, or while the baby naps. Be kind to yourself, so you can be calmer with your dc.

Dear Mums, thank you for all your lovely supportive comments. Things are better now, I have found a lovely childminder two days a week and the pressure is now definitely easing on us. Still tired and sometimes have to control myself, but I can control itmyself now. And that's a BIG difference.
Managed to forgive myself enough to live with it, but not too much so I will keep remembering the feeling. A good deterrent, I must say.
Let's hope it stays like this. Thanks to you all again.