My husband or my children

[Missythekitty]

Hello,

Cutting a very long story short.

I have two children son, 24, daughter 20.

Due to emotional problems and very low self esteem I left them with their father over 10 years ago. (I was not married to him).

I met my husband while I was still living with the children. The relationship with their father had ended.

I have fallen out with my son periodically due to his lack of understanding of my predicament and emotional/mental wellbeing. Not my choice, he just stops communicating with me. I have had a reasonable relationship with my daughter up until a couple of years ago.

Problem is my children and my husband despise each other. They because they just do not like him and he because of the way they treat me and the effect it has on me.

I feel between a rock and a hard place.

My son now has three children - the youngest born only two days ago. The second one I have not yet met, the first seen sporadically. Mainly due to my financial situation as they live over 300 miles away and I have been a full-time student for the past three years and found it very difficult to visit.

My son blames me for not seeing the grandchildren but when he visits his father who only lives 30 miles away from me, he or anyone else within the family circle never let me know which would mean I could actually visit them.

Recently I found out that my son, his girlfriend and grandchildren are now staying with his father (my ex), nobody thught to let me know. The youngest baby was even born in the area. I asked my daughter (as my son is not responding to my messages or answering my calls) if I could come and visit. She says she is not sure and I should wait for things to die down.

I have been contemplating for many years now to leave my husband for various reasons.

My question is would it be wrong for me to leave him for the sake of my relationship with my children and grandchildren or is the sanctity of marriage my first priority?

Should I concentrate on myself and my reasons for leaving before considering leaving for the sake of my family?

Many thanks in advance.

Should I concentrate on myself and my reasons for leaving before considering leaving for the sake of my family?"

Yes

Can I just clarify something ?

You left the father of your children for another man, leaving your children behind

And now you are contemplating leaving this OM who is now your husband to facilitate a relationship with the children you abandoned for him ?

Bit fickle, aintcha ?

I think you think that if you leave your husband then all will be well with your children. I really doubt that their issues are entirely down to him - I suspect their issues are due to you leaving them when they were quite young and vulnerable. I'm not judging - but it is a fact that they will not have emerged from that experience unscathed, and that will impact their relationship with you now. The relationship, or lack of, with your H is an aside. In your son's case, becoming a parent himself may have caused him to revisit his own childhood.

So - if you need/want to leave your H, then do so. But please don't assume this will solve the obvious issues you have with your children. That's a whole different problem. Have you ever talked to them or written to them about why you left?

Thank you for your responses

I did not leave my children's father or my children for my current husband - this sounds so terrible!!! It's very hard to explain yourself without being judged but I am so alone with no close family or friends.

I have tried in numerous ways to explain why I did what I did all those years ago. That I have regretted every day of it. They tell me not to worry and let's concentrate on the future. I think that things are fine (and believe me I know that they are not fine but at least feel that we are making a start). I have always been very open to their questioning but there has never been any questioning from their part. I think we are getting somewhere and getting along and then for no apparant reason ie we've not fallen out I get the cold, silent treatment.

I am more than aware that problems will not be solved once I leave my husband.

This is going to sound really harsh, but we often hear threads from people whose mother's emotional problems mean that they treat their adult children badly or erratically. I think that often the advice is to do what your son has done - just not answer calls, cut contact, and carve out your own life.

I think that by doing that your son doesn't want you in his life - leaving your husband isn't going to change that. If you thought he was the problem then surely you could see your children without him (and remain married)

Obviously this is a much more complicated situation than can be easily explained in a few sentences.
However, all I would suggest (from the POV of an adult with a difficult relationship with my own father) is that even though your children may be adults themselves now, dealing with the effects of parental abandonment can bring out some very fundamental and painful feelings.
Perhaps you should stop trying to get your children to understand why you did what you did, or how you feel, but to apologise for the previous hurt, acknowledge your role in that, and try to move on.
If your children feel that your husband has been in some way a hurdle to them being able to build a relationship with you, then perhaps if he is not on the scene, that might be easier - but I think you are right not to expect that leaving your husband will necessarily solve those problems.

If you want to leave your husband , leave him but don't use your relationship with your children as the excuse for doing so. It sounds like you need to sort out your own life before you try to reconnect and try to rebuild a relationship with your son , if he will let you. It may sound harsh but you left your children and I can fully understand why your son feels that the onus is on you to go and see your grandchildren. It's all about priorities in life .

They are grown adults as are you, there is no reason why you can meet with your husband being there, so leaving him would make no difference tbh.
It sounds as if your son wants little to do with you, you may just have to accept that.

I don't think it's healthy that you blame your kids for not understanding your emotional predicament. I am sure these emotional problems were hard on you and you dealt with them as best you could, but they were kids who had to live with this, you left them and their dad when they were young and I am sure your behaviour has been very erratic due to your emotional problems. You should never be asking them to understand or blaming them for not understanding you. They obviously went through a bad childhood and love you but find your relationship very stressful. I think that they are trying to be very nice about it but keeping a distance for their own emotional health. I think this has nothing to do with your husband IMO-I don't mean this in a mean way but I think all of the problems are attributable to your emotional difficulties and your past actions. Your son is obviously handling this in the most constructive way and I would just suggest that you respect their space and go out of your way to love them, support them, but not ask 'why didn't you invite me here or there' or 'why don't you understand me' etc as that's what is perpetuating all the problems. I hope it works out for you-time and a gentle approach can heal a lot of things.

Agree that i don't think the problems you are having with your children will be solved by leaving your husband. Again, without being judgemental, there are other very strong feelings involved here that you cannot ignore.

What is your relationship like with your ex (their father)? Is it possible that he has fed the situation - either on purpose or inadvertently? Could he be helping to perpetuate any ill feeling? You say you left your children, but you don't say whether you maintained contact with them during that time or whether you cut off all ties. What i'm saying is that there could well be some alienation going on here, part of which could be down to your past actions, part of which could be down to your ex's influence over your children. Address that in the first instance is my advice, by providing a constant and interested, non confrontational presence in their lives and keeping on trying to re-connect, even if in your son's case it's just with letters (not begging letters, but 'this is what's going on in my life, hope all's well in yours") and cards on special occasions etc.