**HELP** MY 12YR OLD AND A ''PORN'' PROBLEM!

[mamloves]

hello everyone!,
im new to this site but im here through desperatley needing some advice..my son,has JUST turned 12 (hence this started at 11). basically this started with me checking 'internet history' on the laptop,which i do from time to time,and there it was allsorts of pornsites,pretty hardcore stuff aswell,i was horrified,but felt i dealt with it well by sitting him down and explaining that i knew what he'd been looking at (cringe!) and understood he was getting curious about things but these 'sites' weren't the places for a 12 yr old boy etc..etc... so that was the end of the laptop in his room and a password has been put on the laptop so he cant go on without me letting him...so i had sorted that part. then,not quite as serious,i noticed if i had been to the shop or arrived back a bit unexpectedly he would be dithering around with the tv remote,,to cut a long story short,everytime i left the house he was watching the freeview adult channels (babestation etc..) ..soo i didnt tell him i knew he'd been watching but again i put the password on the ''adult channels'' so he cant now access them...lastly,about 2 months ago i got him a new priceplan for his mobile with a different network (cheaper!) and immediatley got the parental locks put on in the shop,i was assured he wouldnt b able to access 18+ sites on his phone (but was aware they would probably be some going through the net) nevertheless,i felt assured and comfortable he had his phone...but last night..i checked his ''phone history'' and there it was again...allsorts of porn,some pretty sick in my eyes. i havent said anything to him because i dont know what to do! do i stop his internet access on his phone? am i wrapping him up in cotton wool? part of me thinks ''he's 12,he's growing up,porn is VERY easily accessed now compared to when i was his age'' (im 35) but tbh,most of me is thinking,he's a 12 yr old boy and i am VERY worried that the stuff he's been looking at is going to be damaging to him :( .... would you just let him have his phone and his privacy as a curious young boy?.... or,because youve had the 'porn' conversation before,just take off his internet on his phone?.. i don't no what to do for the best {-_-}

I would sit him down and tell him that I do not find him looking at pornography an acceptable choice at his age, however curious he might feel about sex. And I'd take away his phone, or turn off the web access if that's an option. 12 is way too young to be looking at that stuff, the fact that it's easy to find doesn't make it a healthy education about sex.

I'd also buy him some sex education books suitable for his age, or aimed at teenagers, since he's obviously interested. He needs proper information about sex and relationships, not the unnatural view of it that porn gives.

Thankyou...the whole thing doesn't sit well with me obviously...i'm going to sort this when he gets in from school

Why didn't you talk to him about the TV channels?

I would take the phone away. If he needs one (for a long journey to school on his own for example) then buy a cheap basic old phone that can only do calls and texts that you can put his contract sim in.

I would be worried that he is learning about sex from such misogynistic and unrealistic sources.

I would be talking to him about whether he thought real sex was like porn,
did he think that it was real like a documentary, or fake like soap acting.

I would be asking if he thought the women enjoyed it, got paid for it, and why they might be happy to sell their bodies and privacy for money - what situations are they in (eg drugs, low self esteem, history of sexual abuse, etc)?

I would talk about how a girl his age would feel if he spoke to her like characters in porn do.

I would tell him that I was going to get him some books for him about sex and relationships, that I expected him to read them and talking about it more. You need to bring this topic completely out into the open.

He's not simply being "curious" or "interested", he's looking at this stuff for sexual titillation. Not education. He's obviously on the onset of puberty and found that he now has certain "needs". Removing all access to sexually graphic material is preventing him from satisfying these "needs".

I think he basically needs an explanation of how you feel about this pornography, explain to him that it's not necessarily a realistic portrayal of adult relationships etc. You didn't mention whether you explained to him why you think it's not for 12 year olds, leaving him possibly more curious and not understanding why you have a problem. But once this is all explained to him I don't think there is anything necessarily damaging about allowing him to continue his habits and keep his privacy, he simply needs the correct context. This is pretty natural/normal for 10-13 year olds.

Change his phone to one with no Internet access. Get net nanny software on all home computers (won't stop it entirely, but will make it a lot more difficult). Ensure he has screen time only in communal parts of the house and password protect all computers so he cannot access them when you are out.

Remove TV from his room, and as freeview porn is only late night, get whoever is in the house when your not there to insist he stays in his room.

Then start educating him about porn.

concernedparent1 do you really feel that internet pornography is a suitable outlet for a 12 yo's sexual "needs"? If he was just looking at "naked ladies" (or men if that's his interest) then I'd agree with you up to a point, but I don't think you can give enough "context" to a 12yo to make the kinds of activities you can easily watch on the internet be a good experience. His relationships with real flesh & blood partners are likely to be very strained by unrealistic and unhealthy views of sex if that's his main source of information about it.

There's plenty of people on MN can testify to how damaging pornography has been to their relationships with adult men, I don't think letting them start at 12 and treating it as in any way normal is a good way to encourage a generation of young men and women to be happy and fulfilled by their physical relationships. Pretending that sexual arousal doesn't happen isn't healthy either, but there are better outlets for those feelings than pornorgraphy.

This is highly damaging to a 12 year old. It's damaging to any agegroup IMHO, but at his age, when he has no knowledge or experience of sex, it's very concerning that this will be his introduction/ sex education and he will think this is 'the norm'. It is highly unrealistic, misogynistic, demeaning and degrading to women.

Sorry OP, I don't know the best course of action. Well done in trying to deal with this and in recognising that it is a serious problem. You will not be the only one dealing with this :(

concernedparent1 thanks for your view but yes,obviously i am aware he's starting puberty but as for saying ''Removing all access to sexually graphic material is preventing him from satisfying these "needs'' i feel is totally crazy..how did we all satisfy our needs when we were that age with NO access to porn especially nowadays where sexually explicit material isnt just a close up blowjob...its men sticking theres fists up womens arses,groups of men,one after the other,like a production line shagging these women,rough sex where these girls are screaming and practically bleeding and can quite easily access porn involving animals...you dont think this is ''necessarily damaging??......and as for saying ''you never said whether you explained to him why its not suitable for 12 year olds'' ....that stands to reason judging by what ive just said,,,,

..however...lol....thanks to everyone else for your sensible advice...i've had a good chat with him tonight,he understands why his internet on his phone has to go and he totally accepts it but then again he would,he's 12 lol...am sure going through puberty for a couple of years like the rest of us did (without hardcore XXX) is'nt going deprive him too much! (well not under my roof anyways)...i've showed him a couple of books i'm ordering for him off amazon abought puberty/sex/teen years etc.. i actually feel quite proud of myself for having this open conversation with him..so thanks all for the advice..it helped

                                 yours thankfully,

                           a porn free house :-D