How far do you go to treat all your DC equally...such as with birthday parties?

[ceebeegeebies]

I am in a quandary over DS2's birthday in a couple of months.

DS1 has had a birthday party (soft-play type) every year since he was 2 - he is now 6. DS1 is very sociable, loves parties, loves being with his friends and, by the time he was 2, had a fairly well-established group of friends at nursery (which I realise is unusual).

DS2, otoh, is the complete opposite! We didn't do a party for his 2nd birthday as he didn't really seem to have many friends from nursery to invite so we had a family party at home with his cousins. Last year we did have a proper party for his 3rd birthday and he seemed to enjoy it - a few friends from nursery came although there were a couple that said they were coming but didn't turn up.

It is now approaching his 4th birthday - he does not seem keen on having a party. Every time we mention it he says he doesn't want one, doesn't want to invite X (one of the boys he plays with a lot at nursery) etc.

I feel guilty about not giving him the same as his brother (I felt guilty at his 2nd birthday as DS1 had had a proper party for his 2nd birthday). We thought we could take DS2 out for the day although in November, options are a bit more limited but we could also do with not spending the money on a full-blown party.

Do you feel you should treat them exactly the same or go with their individual preferences?

I don't treat them exactly the same other than in trying to give the that which they need or want.

They are not the same in terms of needs, wants or preferences so treating them exactly the same would be perverse.

Could you not just use the cash that you would have spent on a party to take him somewhere he would enjoy more ? Why force him to have something he doesn't want for the sake of appearing to be fair?

Go with their preferences, but spend equally.

I would ask him what he would like to do, have a load of suggestions up your sleeve, zoo visit, swimming, party at home, party at soft play, with friends with family, going out on a boat - whatever is possible round you.
Let him choose, and spend about the same. Explain to older ds what you are doing. He may also decide to do something different.

Actually for my dcs it all about them feeling as if we have been fair, rather than doing the same.

Don't forget he may not have a good idea what a party actually entails if he hasn't been to one for a while.

I'm a bit like you ds1 always had parties, ds2 didn't have one til he was 4 as he didn't really have a circle of friends. he also has asd so can't really cope with the whole soft play party.

Not sure what we will do next year but it will be something that will suit him and he will enjoy rather than what I think a party should look like. Money wise they are too young to notice so I don't worry about that either

Thank you for the responses - my instinct is to let him do what he wants to do.

He does know what parties entail as I always say yes to party invites if we are not already busy but he never seems to have that good a time at parties of his nursery friends when his brother isn't there. In fact the only one that I have seen him enjoy was that of his 'best' friend at nursery but he has now left nursery to go to school

I think I might go with a day at the zoo and invite my sister along so all his cousins will be there aswell.

I suppose the other issue I feel guilty about is that by having a party, DS1 has always got lots of toys as presents every year whereas, if we don't have one for DS2, he doesn't get those.

What Pag said.
I treat mine equally in that I always do my best, in the circumstances the family are in at the time, to support them in what they want to do. However, you'll find more and more as they get older, that they don't get offered the same opportunities, and that the same things don't appeal to them both.... don't try to make the younger one do what was right for the older one all his life to try to make things 'the same' as that means the younger one will never get to choose what he does!

friend of mine hired a loal swimming pool (costs about £60 for an hour) get loads of floats and stuff. That way her asd son has good time, and doesn't actually have to deal with the party part.