Working parent guilt

[hayesgirl]

I have 1 yr old DS who is fabulous! Clearly very happy, walking, chattering all the time and I love him to pieces!

I am a solicitor, recently qualified so I have gone back to work full time. I worked very hard to get qualified, going to uni as a mature student full whilst working full time. My husband works shifts so my DS is with him or his grandad when I am at work. However I just can't shake this guilt!

I always feel like I am juggling do many things that I'm just crap at it all! I feel like I don't spend enough time with my DS, my house is unorganised, and by the time I have worked, come home and spent time with DS before he goes to bed I just want to eat and go to bed myself - but then I remember I am supposed to also communicate with my wonderful understanding husband! I feel like a shit mum and a shit wife!

How do any other working mums feel about this, how do you cope?

Hi, i don't know how recently you've gone back to work but just to say that you're not alone and it does get easier the older they get and the better you get at organising your time.

I went back FT when my DS was 9 mo and i suffered a brief period of mild depression for the very reasons you've stated so you really must look after yourself and work in partnership with your DH. Make sure you make the time to talk to one another and support one another. It really is crucial.

Try to focus on the good things that happen every day and the things you do well, rather than the things you get wrong. We all get things wrong sometimes and it can be very easy to concentrate too heavily on the negative. Repeat the mantra - you are not a shit mum, nor a shit wife. You are doing your best, and by the sounds of it succeeding, to raise a much loved child in a happy environment. Your DS sounds delightful - you are the main reason!

You will have the occasional wobble. I am currently over-analysing everything my DS does, all his behaviour, and putting some of it down to me not being around enough when in fact, and in truth, it's more likely that's he just an incredibly normal toddler. In all other aspects he is happy, smiley, outgoing, sociable, loving etc etc. He's going through a stage of biting and getting very frustrated which is emotionally very draining, but it's worse when you work FT and have the accompanying guilt.

You and your DH are excellent role models and you are leaving your DS in the care of a loved and trusted family member when you are not there. Please remember that it's much harder on you than it is on your DS. He is loved and cared for and is undoubtedly secure in that knowledge. With time, you will learn the art of juggling, look back and realise you did far better than you gave yourself credit for.

Oh and the best tip someone gave me was "always have some time off in the diary - even just a day - to look forward to". I do this now and it really helps get you over the psychological humps by looking forward to spending quality time with your DS. It makes you cherish that special time all the more.

And on another plus side, when your DS becomes a toddler you will be able to go to work for a rest

my house is unorganised

On a practical level, think about what you can do to make your life easier. Now you're working again, can you afford a cleaner? Do your shopping online during a work break? Pay someone to do your ironing? Do you have a dishwasher? If you mean you think it's physically untidy do you need to buy more storage or have a clear-out?

Think about the areas that are disorganised and what you can do to change them. And then think about what time you spend doing what chores and if that time can be reduced or the chore outsourced.

What the other posters said. (I could have written your post.) I too had mild/medium depression after I went back to work full time when my older child was approx 9 months old. She is now 5 and i am currently on maternity leave, due to start work soon. I had a tremendous amount of guilt, sleepless nights, tearful days. My dd went to nursery. I tried working part time but with the nature of my role, ended up bringing work home and getting even more stressed. I too studied for and have worked for years to get to here I am. I normally love what I do.
So here are my tips to go with the above you already have:

1. Children do not remain 1, and therefore vulnerable for ever. As much as we would want to spend as much time with them as possible, there comes a stage when they actually enjoy meeting different people and playing with children their age. I found that age to be about 2.5 with my dd.
2. Take a break yourself, by getting exercise/ fresh air every day to keep off depression.
3. Think about what your children are gaining. A happy mummy, a nest egg, interaction with other children etc.
4. If you are ill, call in sick and don't feel guilty. Take your time to recover as you are running on double with high stress.
5. Time goes really fast but winters are horrible. So plan to go away with child jn the winter time to give yourself a break.
6. Check yourself when u feel u are feeling down. And go do something fun.
7. It's okay to coast along in the career for a year or so. Don't feel u have to give a 100%.

And as others have said, outsource, have regular breaks, something to look forward to etc.

Good luck.

Hello. I completely echo the posters above, but i can empathise with you!

I am an accountant and went back to work full time when my DS was 9 months and then again when DD was 6 months (there is 16 months age gap between them) leaving them in full time nursery care. I had people commenting about how awful i was abandoning them! I knew they were safe, cared for and happy and in a consistent caring environment so that helped.

They are now nearly 6 and 4 and at school and are very happy, confident, well adjusted children whom i simply adore and value all the time we share together. I know its a cliche but it really is about the quality of time you have with them. We can also afford a nice home and to do nice things and have holidays etc which we wouldn't if i didn;t work. Sure those

I do get guilt trips sometimes but i think i am a better mum because i work.....i have my own identity and sense of independence.

For me it is important to not feel i miss out on things so i always make sure that i attend sports days, school plays etc and i'm lucky in that i work for a company which allows me to be flexible with some hours - that makes all the difference

It is a juggling act and one that i dont think goes away. You are happy in your work and enjoy it you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your DS is well cared for and loved- and he is with his Dad and Grandad - so he is building great relationships there which is to be treasured.

It is exhausting but i think you just get used to that!

It really does get easier

Outsource what you can e.g. Ironing, cleaning etc, do food shopping on Internet so the time you spend at home is quality time not chores time.

You need to settle into a new normality and that takes time.

Remember to make a bit of time for yourself too.

Thank you all for your responses. It's nice to have it confirmed that I am not the only one... Sometimes I feel like I am! All my friends with children either don't work, work part time or have jobs which they can just forget about when they get home. Unfortunately mine is more involved!

I recently took on a cleaner 1 morning a week. She's only been coming for a few weeks and at first it stupidly made me feel like more of a failure... I'm getting over that now - I realised that I'd managed to spend the entire weekend with my hubby and DS instead of sending them out for the morning so I could clean! : )

I need to stop being so hard on myself - I think I had an image before I had my DS that I was going to be this amazing super mum - you know the type you see that would never go out and forget to bring basics like wipes and snacks! : )

I love my little boy to pieces, he makes me laugh every day and I just need to believe what everyone tells me and be more confident in myself.

Thanks again it's very reassuring x