nervous about maternity leave after a difficult pregnancy - reassurance or suggestions?

[kalidasa]

I am 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and getting increasingly nervous about maternity leave. I have had a truly horrendous pregnancy - such severe hyperemesis from week 5 that I was in and out of hospital repeatedly, and confined entirely to bed for three full months and very unwell/mostly in bed for a lot longer. I was so ill we had to discuss termination at 8 weeks. I finally stopped throwing up every day about a month ago, but I still struggle with nausea (which is actually getting worse again) and for the last few weeks I have had increasingly bad SPD. I can now only barely walk and the physio is going to give me crutches next week. It's very painful but still a 100x less horrible than the hyperemesis! I have had lots of other more minor medical problems as a result of the hyperemesis (weight loss, anaemia, no potassium, high risk for clots etc etc). Altogether I can't wait for the pregnancy to be over and I have had patches of being quite depressed.

I am an academic/lecturer and I really love my job and have a lot invested in it. I found having to be totally off work for months incredibly hard and really destructive of my sense of identity. I am officially back at work now though for the moment I only have to go in a couple of times a week as teaching hasn't started yet and I can do some things from home. I am meant to be working until 36 weeks. Obviously this is going to be a challenge with my pelvis/crutches and is probably going to mean getting cabs etc. I am determined to try though as I feel so much better on the days I make it into work, it is a complete transformation, I feel like I have myself back.

Basically because of all this I am getting quite worried about how I will cope with maternity leave and having to set aside work stuff yet again for six months or so. Obviously I realise that being at home with a much-loved baby - and no longer feeling sick all the time!! - and hopefully being able to walk again!! - will be very different from this awful pregnancy but I am just feeling really anxious about it. How have other people who really love their jobs found maternity leave? especially if you had a bad pregnancy first? what tactics can I plan to make me feel a bit less isolated and out of things (baby groups etc?).

Loads of women seem to look forward to maternity leave so much and I feel guilty and a bit ashamed about feeling so nervous about it.

You poor thing, your pregnancy sounds dreadful!
My DS is now 27 months and I remember being nervous about being away from work (I'm an anaesthetist and it took 15 years of hard work to get where I am). My pregnancy was hideous with fatigue, continuous nausea (except a fantastic 2 week break in the 2nd trimester) and generally wanting to get the baby out ASAP! But I was nowhere close to your suffering and didn't have Spd.

I finished work at 37 weeks and the dratted child was 13 days late! The bit before the baby comes is hard, really good to make a few plans, lunch-dates etc to keep you occupied. Also, do some of the organisational stuff that requires little physical effort - order birthday/Christmas presents for the next 6 months and wrap them, do your tax return, find a cleaner and get them to start (if not already), get and wash clothes for baby up to 6 months if possible, find out about all possible baby clubs etc...

Once baby is born you will feel sooooo much better. My DS didn't sleep and I had maybe 3-4 hours sleep in 24 hours for months, but at no time did I ever feel as bad as when I was pregnant. Everyone said, if you think pg is hard, just wait til the baby is born. Not true. It's exhaustingly but your just tired, whereas pg for me was exhausting along with having a permanent hangover, IYKWIM.

Also, I thought I'd want to be back at work and bored at home. First 6 weeks I was too tired to think about it. By the time he was 6 months I really struggled to leave him. They smile, laugh and make it so clear, so early that you are the most perfect person in their world. One thing people told me before DS was born that is true is that you will wonder what on earth you did with your time before children!

Yes to clubs. IMHO you NEED other mums in your area with similar aged kids to stop you going bonkers, or at least I did. Swimming, music classes, baby massage all good. Sure start centre is a good place to start if unsure. My best days were popping over to another mums house and both of us sat feeding, chatting and eating cake!

Going back to work was hard, and TBH I have never felt as ambitious since returning (9/10 part time). Working mums always struggle with never feeling like the perfect employee or the perfect mum, but fortunately my DS doesn't need perfect!

Having my DS was the most amazing thing I've ever done. He is my world. And you do forget the horrid pregnancy. Only reason I have remembered so vividly now how dreadful it was is because I'm busy doing it again. Short term pain, long term phenomenal gain.

Sorry for mammoth post but wanted to tell you it's worth it and you'll be ok. Very best of luck.

Thanks so much marmite that's really helpful. I have been hoping that having a tiny baby won't seem so bad after this pregnancy but people spend so much time warning you how tough it is after they're born that it's hard to feel confident!

Good tips about what to do in the first part of maternity leave. (Though actually I may not have that long as it's possible they'll induce a bit early if my mobility is v. limited.) We already have a cleaner but will make a note of all the other suggestions. We live in a very "baby" bit of North London so I'm sure there are loads of classes/groups and things if I look. Thanks again.

I had a horrible pregnancy too and hated maternity leave i was signed off sick so was off from about 30 weeks-ish. I was bored silly felt useless and all the sickness and SPD made me next to useless at home as well as at work, going shopping or for lunch wasn't really an option apart from the few 'good' days mostly i just lay on the sofa feeling like a big fat waste of space.

But once DS came along it all changed i felt like i had a purpose there is always something to do, i did have a period of wanting to go back to work around 4 months but that was mostly because DS was going through a really difficult period now i'm not planning to go back until he's 1.

BTW i was told in pregnancy by a very nice lady if you have a rubbish pregnancy then it's not so hard once they are born because you already feel like shit and your lifes already turned upside down, looking at my friends i think i could maybe be true i hadn't slept through the night for months anyway so night feeds weren't so bad :)

Thanks lola. Yes, I'm hoping that the arrival of the baby will be a bit less overwhelming than it might be because the pregnancy has been so disruptive. It's really helpful to hear from other people who had tough pregnancies and felt better after the birth so thanks.