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My child is different... I'm starting to feel as though we have no connection. Not sure how much of it is my fault.

23 replies

StarsAreShining · 15/09/2012 18:02

He's 4 and recently started reception. He's bright but quite lazy. The issue is that he will not do anything alone, ever. He's fine when we're out - really confident and very sociable. It's at home when the problems start. As soon as he's out of nursery, he asks where he's going. I dread answering this question cos I always get the same reaction. He doesn't seem to realise that our house is his home, where we live as a family. He doesn't play with toys ever. I've discussed this with people a few times and feel like screaming when they say 'yeah, it's very important you give them a chance to play alone', as though I haven't done that. He's an only child and I'm a single parent, so I've been focussing on it for years. I've tried so many different methods, but nothing works. I have depression and am often just very tired and can't physically cope with living like this. It makes me feel extremely guilty, but I can't entertain him every second of the day. Here's an example of what happened today- we went out to a class he goes to on saturday mornings, picked his friend up, went to a cafe for a nice bit of cake, brought the friend back home, had lunch, my boyfriend came over and played and then it was about 3 o'clock. As soon as my boyfriend left the house, he said 'Where am i going today?'. He won't accept that people have tea at their own house, with their family. It's as though he's constantly bored with me. As soon as he realises that we're not going anywhere, he begs and begs to watch tv or play games, but I don't want him to! That's all he'll do! I do play with him regularly and we go and do things and visit family/friends, but nothing is ever enough for him. I'm totally worn out by this. I can't really explain it, but I'm starting to feel like we have no connection at all and the house is a very uncomfortable environment. It feels empty and fake. I'm always hounded and always thinking of things i can do to make things a bit more bearable until bedtime. It's horrible. I hate living like this. I'm starting to dread spending time alone with him and I'm always just looking for ways to fill time.

It's quite difficult to explain, but other people around him notice it too. He's been described as very demanding, very talkative and exhausting. We all love him very much, but being alone with him for even a short period of time is draining. I feel that I'm really letting him down :( I just wish he'd pick up a toy or do anything at all. We have loads of nice things for him to play with, but he'll only do it if I pick it up and set it up and then he'll pretty much just sit there and whine at me to create all of the fun. If I go to an extreme length and totally ignore him to force him to play, it achieves nothing. He lies on the floor whining and kicking his legs. He doesn't give in. At no point does he just decide to play with something. Toys are totally untouched until I go to get them. He won't ever be alone in his bedroom. It's crap. I feel so crap.

OP posts:
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ilovetermtime · 15/09/2012 18:08

Sounds horrible for you OP. I'm not sure what the solution is, but can I just ask, when he's having a tantrum on the floor, and you say that he doesn't give in, does that mean you do? How long do the tantrums last?

Sorry, please don't read this as a 'it's your fault' post, I just want to get all the facts so I can think about it more.

mellowcat · 15/09/2012 18:10

That sounds really difficult and must be exhausting, does he like real tasks? I've known children who don't really like playing with toys but thrive on 'helping' to do real things.

DoubleYew · 15/09/2012 18:23

Sounds like a fairly busy day, would it be so bad if he watched tv for a bit? I'm surprised how good Cbeebies is actually, 2 yr ds seems to have learn numbers from watching ita little.

Have you read Playful Parenting? I can help but think the more you push him to play on his own the more resistant he will get.

The asking where is he is going every night does sound unusual. Is there anything else that makes you think he may have some type of SN ie is it a comprehension thing? But given you both sound unhappy at home, perhaps he is just picking up on an atmosphere? Are you having counselling or some kind of support?

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Cheddars · 15/09/2012 18:41

Fwiw I would let him watch tv or play games when he's at home. It sounds like he does a lot of extra activities around school anyway, and perhaps you both need home to be a more relaxing environment.

FluorineUraniumCarbonPotassium · 15/09/2012 18:48

DD was very very demanding at that age too. She wouldn't watch tv, much as I tried to get her to. She wanted to be entertained all the time. I did try to get her to play on her own but she wouldn't.
The positive side is that 2 years on she will now watch a film or other tv for an hour or more which is a massive relief to me. She will play a little bit more on her own too.
Hopefully this will improve, but in the meantime I'd let him watch tv (I know, I know) or even buy him some educational dvds if that helps.
Look after yourself.

EBDTeacher · 15/09/2012 18:49

Maybe you could explain to him what you want him to do, help him to plan it and reward him for doing it?

So, maybe, say 'I want you to play on your own for 30mins so I can get 'x' done. Lets choose three things you are going to do for 10mins each. (Can he tell the time? If not you could get him a beeping eggtimer.) Draw out a visual plan of what he is going to do and tell him that if he can stick to the plan, do it all and not need any help from you until the end of the time then you will play a game with him- Uno or whatever.

Once he's got the idea you could start building the independent time up.

If he can't do 30 mins straight away, start with 10.. or 5. Where ever his attention span is right now.

FiveRingsForDinner · 15/09/2012 18:51

Poor you - OP.

Can you draw on any extra support for yourself?

onceortwice · 15/09/2012 18:53

Hi, My DS has HFA so possibly slightly different, but he has to know what he's doing every day. We use a little picture diary now.

I think a little TV is not a bad thing... My DS (also 4) has an IPAD and the apps on there are brilliant. DS is into a kids soduko one and it keeps him going for ages.

I also got a season pass to our local zoo and we go there ALL THE TIME. Just because it's somewhere to go and DS dislikes not doing anything.

Obviously, not saying your child has HFA, just they sound similar and they are things that work for me.

x

neverquitesure · 15/09/2012 18:54

It sounds like you are having an unusually hard time. Hopefully it's something he'll outgrow, but not much fun now.

Bit of a shot in the dark, but how much sleep does he get, and is it of a good quality? My almost 4 year old needs a massive amount of sleep to function normally and is a nightmare if he doesn't get it!

lola88 · 15/09/2012 18:56

My niece is like this she wants to do things with you all the time i just let her do whatever i'm doing so if i make the bed she puts the pillow cases on while i wash the dishes she sweeps the floor. We have a million toys but she just likes to be with me.

Does your son stay with other people regularly? i ask because my niece spends some nights with her mum some with her gran the odd night at her grandads and is at my house a lot after school and on weekends and she used to ask where she was going a lot with her mum i think because if she was with me for example she would be lavished with attention (i was childless at the time so and the time) but at home her mum had things to do and couldn't spend 100% on her. I certainly don't have all that time now i have a baby so her fav place is with granny because granny will play all day (and do the housework when she leaves)

FiveRingsForDinner · 15/09/2012 18:58

Sorry - my own 4 year old distracted me!

I find 4 a hard age. IME they are much younger than they seem - ESP with pressure of school

ContinentalKat · 15/09/2012 19:10

I remember a phase when my life felt similar. I was constantly out with the dcs, doing stuff because being at home felt fake. Both dcs also started demanding to go places all the time, we were stuck in a horrible vicious circle.

Things improved immensely once I got a life for myself. I started working pt and started taking charge of my life. Now I can see how we have a real family life, our home feels like one and dealing with the kids is a lot easier.

Hope my ramblings help a bit...

exoticfruits · 15/09/2012 19:17

Have you tried just sitting down and reading a book and saying 'well I'm doing something - you will have to find something to do'? Then ignore - if he says he is bored then tell him that it is his problem. My favourite saying was 'a mother is a lot of things but I am not your entertainments manager'. If he is bored out of his mind he will have to amuse himself.

CoteDAzur · 15/09/2012 19:22

DD (7) was like this. It is only since she can read that I've had a moment's peace with her in the house.

DS (3) is completely different - self-sufficient, plays for ages on his own, making his trains talk to each other, etc.

They all have different characters. It is not your fault. And it will get better.

In the meanwhile, there is nothing wrong with an hour of TV while you recharge your batteries.

exoticfruits · 15/09/2012 19:26

I would use the TV.

cloudhands · 15/09/2012 19:26

hello stars are shining, I'm so sorry it's hard for you right now, and I totally get what you mean about how your house feels, it must be exhausting for you.
I really recommend the resources on the hand in hand parenting website. They teach a method called parenting by connection which is all about how to build stronger relationships with children. They have some articles you can read for free, and also do online parenting courses, they teach you how to improve your connection with your child, by offering you help and support to feel better yourself, not just a few tips about what to do with your child, but ways to listen to you, to lighten your burden so that you find within yourself, energy and ideas, to connect better with your child.
the absolute best thing about doing hand in hand is that they have this scheme called a listening partnership, where you pair up with another parent (either via skype or in person) and talk confidentially about feelings and difficulties with parenting. Talking in this way is really an amazing way, to feel more energy, more positive about things, to talk things through about how you can help your son. Good luck, I hope you find some answers there!

cashmere · 15/09/2012 19:46

Hi my DS is 2,6 and often asks where we are going. The following work best for me (am on iPhone so hard to edit!):-
Do you have a garden? I get most peace when DS is outside. I sit on my phone and he does some of the following:-
Chalks on path
Sand pit
Water tray
Raised bed he can dig in with spades or play wiith various little
vehicles like diggers and tractors (mud no plants in this bit)
Bucket and large brush for painting bricks with water
Ride on toys
He'll entertain himself for a good hour with a combination of these.
If it's wet he has waterproof trousers, coat and wellies and I sit in the doorway on a dining room chair.

Wooden trainset with various trains and a mini crane- about £8
bigjigs. Get about 20 minutes from this.

DVDs semi educational!! Tractor Ted/ Big machines series. Learn
about where food comes from/ how to build a house/ how to build a road/ fire service. Keeps him enthralled for an hour and ties in with foundation stage topics (possibly!!)

If he's in nagging mode and I can't face going out I strap him into a booster seat at kitchen table (not sure if can get for 4 year olds) and do baking or painting.

Baking- I make 2 things and it takes about 30 minutes.
Biscuit cake is good. He crushes 1/2 pack value digestive biscuits with hands, chooses how many raisins/marshmallows/chopped apricots/ dates to pour in. We put golden syrup/butter/cocoa (2 tbsp each) sometimes with a value bar of choc added in a pan and melt and squish together in a tin.

Also do fairy cakes/ crispy cakes/ All Bran loaf- google really easy and only uses cup measurements/gingerbread.

The key is to not care too much about exact measurements and only do things which allow a bit of leeway.

Painting- again get 20-30 mins bit provide 'materials' in stages to drag it out. Along the lines of:-
Choose colour of paper
Crayons
Choose paper
Paint (use ramekins to hold paint)
Get some more brushes/rollers/sponge shapes out
Add another colour paint- maybe show him what happens when mix red and blue
Choose paper
Glue and feathers/sequins/sweet wrappers/pics from magazine
Choose paper
Add stickers- then paints over these usually!
Choose paper
Practise cutting with scissors

By gradually introducing each bit he'll stay put a lot longer and I sit with a coffee. Really doesn't seem as much hassle as it sounds.
The materials are in a plastic box, I put a plastic cover on table, old Tshirt on him and keep a roll of kitchen roll and navy wipes next to me for quick clean ups.

Hope that's some help but I think your DS is prob absolutely normal. I can't wait for DH to get home and take over as little people atte wearing. Do you get a break ever? I think this would make all the difference.
Hope this helps.

cashmere · 15/09/2012 19:49

Ps I've been conservative with baking/coing time. On a good day it'll kill 45 mins and as I've dedicated that time to an activity TV time is guilt free.

PlopButNOPudding · 15/09/2012 20:13

Really feel for you op. My dd1 (5.5) was very much like this and it's exhausting and frustrating.

Things I found helpful:

-TV. It's not that bad :)

  • i found dd1 ignored toys too or just wanted me to 'play' with them fir her.. So non-toy activities seemed to work a bit e.g playdough, big bowl of cornflour and water
(messy but fun), water balloons if you have an out door area, a little keyboard or drums or other musical instrument. There will be mess/noise but it might keep his attention while you have some time out or get things done.
  • I don't live in the uk but here we have toy libraries, you can borrow new and fab toys so they have 'new' stuff to get excited about.

You may have tried all of these before - if all else fails a bit if tv to give you some sanity is definitely not going to hurt.
You're not being crap, you sound like a great mum.

NellyTheElephant · 15/09/2012 20:44

My DS is 3 and a half. I had never particularly noticed this problem until recently as he has 2 older siblings to entertain him and in any event it has only been the last year or so in which he has emerged from the 'baby' stage. DS is a bright happy confident child, no issues at all, totally happy with the 3 full days that he has at nursery, a delight to be with most of the time. The problem is the 2 days when his sisters are at school and he isn't. It is a nightmare. He wants constant attention and there is no way on earth he would play with anything on his own. I am completely unused to this - especially after nearly 2 months of the summer holidays where he has required almost no input from me whatsoever (what with his two sisters keeping him entertained). What I am trying to say is that I don't actually think that it is that unusual for a normal happy child to be like this - even if it is irritating. I get around it by arranging lots of things to do on those days (meeting friends etc) and also by just getting on with stuff (chores and cleaning - he is a whiz with the dust buster as I use the hoover, he stacks the dishwasher and 'sweeps' the floor, I am currently on a gardening drive and will point out various small weeds for him to pull up and put in his own small wheelbarrow. I usually go to the supermarket on days when just he is with me, I point at things, he picks them up, it's slow but passes the time). He is at my side at all times so I give him stuff to do, then I let him watch TV. I also sometimes do what someone else mentioned - sitting in our playroom having a cup of tea and reading a magazine and just letting him get on with something (or nothing - his problem).

tryingtoleave · 15/09/2012 23:07

Ds was like this. We used to go out all the time because he seemed to need constant stimulation. He has got much better now that he is older (6) and can entertain himself better,

henrysmama2012 · 16/09/2012 11:01

I grew up in a house with depression (i didnt have it, close family did), and it was a difficult place to be...I am not at all saying this in a 'it's your fault' way, but it just is sometimes the case that home isn't very happy & it's hard to recognise this when you are in the situation yourself. Are you getting as much help as possible with the depression? You sound lovely btw, just wanted to also say that in case my post came off as criticising you in any way which it isn't!

DippyDoohdah · 16/09/2012 20:26

Really do not want to try and diagnose as I may be soooo far off the mark, but I have this with my 4 yr old ds too and me and people around him increasingly wondering if is on the autistic spectrum.just thought I would flag it up as if it was an issue then there are differences that may make it easier to understand and adapt to.sounds like you are a great mum btw x

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