told off by DS' teacher

[Anaisa]

I am 28 weeks pregnant, so probably hormonal and overreacting, but here goes my moan...
My DS started school this september and I have not stopped feeling guilty since. Both me and my partner work full time and at the moment DS has to go to breakfast club, followed by school and followed by afterschool club - 8-5:30 every day. He is used to these hours at the nursery and seems happy with this arrangement, but there are hardly any children his age both at breakfast and afterschool club, I dont get to see his teacher so have pretty much no idea as to how he is doing and this stresses me out.
To add insult to the injury today the afterschool club lady wanted to talk to me when I was picking him up as the teacher mentioned there wasn't much in his lunch box. I packed a cheese sandwich, bread sticks, crisps, an apple and a clementine in the morning but they only saw crisps and cheese in his lunch box during lunch.
He is just 4 and is telling me he ate the rest earlier in the hall. It upset me they obviously didn't ask him, just assumed he wasn't given any food. And it also upsets me that the way they talk to me is as if we are the only parents who leave our child there full time.
What do we do? Are we really irresponsible parents and are mothers supposed to cut back hours when their children turn 4? Not sure my work will like that and we most definitely cant aford it either. We don't have grandmothers who can help so only have ourselves to rely on. Is there anybody else out there who also leave a 4 year old at school all day?

try not worry - it's just a misunderstanding.
When ds was in reception I was 'told off' by his teacher for supposedly not sending his packed lunch with him. What had actually happened was that he couldn't find his lunch bag, so he told the teacher he didn't have it. The shame!

They probably saw it asked him "is this all you have for dinner" 4 year olds arent known for accurate accounts of things so he probably said "yes" - they couldn't ignore that so had to check with you to make sure he had enough.

Send in a short note saying thanks for mentioning it, ds always has a sandwich etc. I have spoken to him and he tells me he ate it earlier. I would appreciate if you could keep an eye and make sure he eats his lunch properly in future. Regards ... you have then corrected the misunderstanding. You might also consider mentioning to the teacher that as you can't do drop offs etc due to work that she should ring you if concerned about anything.

Sounds like a misunderstanding to me.
Before and after school care do follow EYFS and get Ofsteded and everything - its not a bad place for a child to be, you have nothing to feel guilty for. You could ask the staff for him to have a special buddy or something if you think it is overwhelming being with older children. I bet there is at least one older child who would love to be his buddy.

You could also think about a childminder who drops off and picks up from the school. They might have another his age and it would mean he was getting a snack after school/some wind down time as well.

I think what cansu says would be a very good idea. Also, the suggestion by ZuleikaD. At our school there are very very few kids who are in before school and after school care as well, especially if it is five days a week.

School is much more tiring than nursery so wind down time can be a really good idea. After school care tends to be a bit like school and quite noisy, not ideal for a tired four or five year old.

Thank you for you reassurance! I suppose on the positive it means that the teachers care about them being fed, I just felt so embarassed. Just wrote a note to the teacher in his contact book so am feeling a bit better - thank you Cansu for a great idea.
I'll be on maternity leave in about 3 months so will be able to drop him off later and pick him up straight after school. I'll definitely consider a childminder for next year though if we can afford it. Are they normally more expensive than the school clubs?

My older DC had to do the morning and afternoon clubs because, like you, I had no choice. They survived - but agree a childminder might make life a bit easier for all of you, if for no other reason than to be a point of contact between the school and you and so some way to know how he's getting on, etc. But if a CM isn't an option then relax - bear in mind a lot of teachers have kids in childcare themselves, so they really aren't going to judge you. As long as your DS is happy and thriving - that's all that matters.

I don't think a childminder would be too much more expensive (and might be cheaper). I think childminders are a really good option for little ones who just need to chill in front of Cbeebies after a day at school. After school clubs can be incredibly fun, but also tiring after a day at school for little children.

You might meet one one the playground when you are picking up when you are on maternity leave.

And to answer your question, yes there are lots of people out there who leave their 4 yo at school all day (I was lucky enough not to have to until my youngest was 5, but I know there are plenty of reception children in after school club with my DC this year )

Dikkertjedap - I noticed that at Ds' school. All kids from his class get picked up after school apart from one or two who go to the afterschool club once or twice a week. I am really surprised by that. We work reasonable ours, I start at 8 and finish at 5 so pick him up at about 5:30 and my partner drops him off at 8 and then goes to work. A lot of my friends commute to London and work much longer hours. But it seems everyone he goes to school with have stay at home mums. You are right though, he is definitely more tired than at the nursery.
If I could only work part time! I suppose it;s only now I am beginning to appreciate what juggling work and children is really like.

DS just started reception and goes to breakfast club every day and after school club three afternoons a week. His sister has been doing the same for the past three years. At our school the are fifteen children from reception using wraparound care at the school so not unusual at all.

Can he not have school dinners? My dd went to a childminder when she started school and it works out that she can have breakfast at home, gets to cm about 8.30am, has snack and school dinner then a pack lunch for when she gets to the cm after school, I pick her up about 5.30pm. Which means when she gets home all she needs is a snack (so haven't got to faff around cooking tea or anything!!)

It is useful that the school has before and after school care for back up when cm on hol or ill etc.

If I were you I would be looking for a cm that can take the baby and pick your dc up, then its only one pick up/ drop off you!!!

PS when DD started school we used a childminder because the old head said that wraparound would be too much for her. She was deathly bored at the childminders having been at nursery since five months old and used to lots of children and activity. We used a childminder for only three weeks.

Be guided by your child not by what anyone else thinks.

Sounds like the childminder will be the way to go from next year. I should be on maternity leave from mid Nov all being well, so we'll have to stick with the clubs for the next two months. DS doesn't seem to mind it, apart from being tired in the evenings so maybe I do worry for nothing. I think it is more to do with the disapproving vibe and generally my feeling of guilt that everybody else seem to be able to give their children more time and attention than we do.

Asmywhimsytakesme - I wouldn't mind an au pair at all, but are they not normally live in?

A childminder would be a more nurturing, relaxing environment for a young child when having breakfast and after school. Breakfast and afterschool clubs tend to be quite loud, in the hall, institutional, children left to themselves much more (hence him being able to eat his lunch unnoticed) and maybe more suited to junior school age if full time. My son went to breakfast club in reception, he didn't hate or love it, he found it a bit stressful I think in retrospect but did/does love his childminder. Look out for one at school when you are on maternity leave and ask the teacher if she knows any who drop off at the school.

Clemetteattle - your post made me smile, sounds like my DS, he loves being active and the playground was a regular stop after the nursery :-). I think he actually enjoys playing with older kids, but it's a catholic school and I think in some instances they seem to be forgetting that there is life outside the school as well.

girliefriend - we tried the school lunches during the first week and didn't think it worked at all. I still gave him fruit in his lunch box in addition, but he seemed very hungry in the evening and insistant that he wanted to eat his lunch from his lunch box with his friends. Not sure what the problem was - he may be too little to master the buffet approach without help or maybe he just wanted to eat with all his friends but he seems happier with his lunch box.

I think a note to your ds's teacher as suggested above would be a good idea.

After your maternity leave, a cm might be able to look after both of your dc if you are able to plan well in advance. That would make drop offs and pick ups easier as well as meaning that your dc see more of each other.

In the meantime you're lucky to have before and after school clubs.

Asmywhimsytakesme - unfortunately live in help is not an option for us at this stage even though it does sound good. Hopefully at some point we will move to a bigger house, but that is not on the cards for the next couple of years.

Ds3 went to breakfast club and wrap round from just turned three when he started the school nursery. He has always been quite happy. I'm sure there are people who don't approve but i feel it it best that he is dropped off by me and picked up by me from the same place each day. We also use the holiday club so he is really used to being there. This arrangement would not have suited ds2 so it depends on the child.

You know your child. Don't worry about what others think.

a childminder isn't always the best option - it depends who you get! My ds's had a brilliant CM but also a really awful one. If he's happy where he is think carefully about moving him.