Why can't I be a better mum?

[MillionPramMiles]

I have a 4 month old baby and I just don't seem able to cope like other mums seem able to. It's got so bad I'm thinking of going back to work by December, 6 months earlier than I thought I would.

My dd doesn't sleep, day or night. I've tried everything, co sleeping, sling, pram, car seat, cranial osteo, maternity nurse, GP, Hv. She sleeps for exactly half hour in the morning and afternoon and that's it. She's happy for about 30 mins after she wakes and for about 20 mins after a feed but for the rest of the day is overtired and whinges/cries. No amount of cuddles, play, pram rides, baby classes etc help her sleep or cheer her up. Outings usually end in a meltdown as her 'awake/happy' window is so short.

At night she wakes between 6-12 times, I feed her twice (she isn't hungry the other times) and use dummy, reposition, cuddle etc rest of time. Part of the problem is shes a very light sleeper so wakes easily and can't get herself back to sleep. I haven't had more than 3-4 hours sleep a night since she was born. My dp tries to help but he can't settle her so Im woken by her crying anyway.

I've read dr sears info on high need babies and she seems to show some of those qualities but i don't know what more I can do.
I know babies aren't supposed to sleep but no one else I know is having the same experience as I am every day and every night for 4 months with no improvement, in fact things have got worse since she has started moving around more.
I can't cope anymore, I don't know how other mums do it and if I'm just being weak but I am exhausted, demoralised and feel a failure. I feel like paying for 24 hour child care and admitting I can't do it.

Just wanted to add that it's important that you understand that you are not doing a bad job. You have a demanding baby and are doing just great from what I read in your post. I am on dc3 and I could have and still could write a lot of what you and others have said and he is 8months old!! Dc1 and 2 were never like this and my parenting style hasn't changed so I have given up putting it down to my failings as a mother and accepted that he isn't an easy baby but it will pass and a few years from now I will look back at his baby years with a smile and a tear in my eye and want to do it all again!!! good luck and hope things improve x

My dd had tongue tie and reflux too and was very similar so might be worth considering that? Although not all drs are willing to accept that reflux even exists as there was a paper out a few years ago (written by a childless man) who basically said reflux doesn't exist and the problem is really anxious parenting! What a twat. Luckily many of the paediatricians I have worked with have reflux babies themselves so have concluded that this is bollocks, but it angers me that many docs will have read that paper and believed it.

tempernillo not sure if the DVD would be useful for a 20 month old, it's quite basic. There quite a few reviews on amazon for older kids too. Basically shows lots of fairly random things and names them but also really encourages mouth movement and sounds like "ahhh" and "eee" and animals "baa" and such like. The parent bit is useful too, basically explains you need to stay one step ahead of them but only one, so if DS could only say 2 words together, like "big bus", I'd say yes, big red bus etc. sorry if obvious but I started off trying to talk in sentences to him and he caught on a lot faster when I slowed it down, so it was useful for me.
I think there's a huge variation at this age and I know my friends dd at the same age as mine doesn't speak much and no sentences yet. I think I probably just got lucky.
Best of luck.

Marmite - thanks for all the advice, it really helps to know I'm not the only one who dreads buggy and car journeys...
The DVD looks good, think will get it. Sometimes I just don't know why she's unhappy, I try everything I can think of and end up just holding her and singing to her, which usually calms her. Have you tried any of the baby Einstein DVDs? We want something for dd to watch on long car journeys that isn't trashy and might even be educational...
I tried PUPD, it was a disaster, she cries more if she can see me and see that I'm not taking her out of the nursery. I usually just try to shush and pat, put dummy in etc. with limited success.
Funnily enough we have that bouncer and dd didn't like it but I think she was a bit young for it so we'll try it again (once she's grown out of her cheapo vibrating one!)

Rowan- what's hard is that it feels like I'll have to go back to work just as dd is starting to communicate and walk etc. I keep telling myself I'll miss this time with her so I should make the most of it.

Temper niello - we went to our first monkey music class this week! Dd was fine once we were there (though cried in the pram there and back). I need to find some more classes within walking distance (I don't drive and can't face public transport with a buggy and dd in meltdown) as she's better if we have something like that to do every day.

I also never saw the point of pupd. I always thought that if you had the kind if baby that responded to pupd, you probably wouldn't have much of a problem in the first place!

Nicecupoftea - originally dd was comfort feeding every 90 mins, she wouldn't feed properly, just snack, was never properly 'milk drunk' and it made it harder to get her to nap during the day. After some advice from Hv and my GP ( who has kids of her own and has been really helpful) I spaced out the feeds and topped up with formula at the morning and lunchtime feed. It was only then that dd would nap for half an hour even. She doesn't seem hungry in between, doesn't root etc (which she used to do constantly).
We did consider reflux (and tried gaviscon in case) but the crying really seems linked to tiredness and not to feeding, on the rare occasion she has slept she's been a v happy baby.

Mrsmarzipan - thanks, just getting a bit of encouragement on here has helped a lot. I keep kicking myself thinking there's something I'm not doing right. I just want my dd to be happy and healthy, it really upsets me to see her rubbing her eyes red with tiredness and not being able to help.

Tempernillo - dd had her tongue tie removed at 3 weeks, she's always been a great feeder though and had no problems breastfeeding so am thankful for that.

Is it possible that the to tongue-tie wasn't snipped properly/has reattached? I may be clutching at straws here but I saw a thread on here this week about that happening - it could be that you've ruled it out because she's had it snipped but it's not been done right?

I really can relate to the cranky but not sleeping thing - even now DS needs 2 naps but most days will only take one, I am getting better at not wondering what I've 'done wrong' but I do think some babies are just not interested in sleep. FWIW I don't think it's done him any long-term damage; he's generally a happy toddler, his speech is excellent for his age and he shows signs of being more intelligent that both his parents - not sure if that's saying much but another thread I read recently said there's a likely link between babies that don't sleep well and gifted/talented children - here's hoping!

Worst evening ever, our first attempt at going away with dd, within seconds of being put in the travel cot she started crying and went for 90 mins straight, threw up 3 times, i just didnt know what to do except hold her, she's finally fallen asleep on our bed, not sure for how long...
I now feel terrible for making her endure a 5 hour car journey, being handed round the in laws then put to sleep in a strange place. But I feel like I look like an over anxious mum if I say she needs careful handling or try to take her back from people who only want to get to know her. Have been dreading this week away, just want to take her home :(

Wait til her arm flops when you drop it (sorry sure you know that old trick) and put her to bed. Try to get some sleep, tonight will be worse than most, split it with your dh if possible.
Give it til tomorrow lunchtime. It may improve. Babies hate change! If no improvement and you feel really unhappy then I'd be honest with DH and go home. Life's too short to try to please everyone.
If there are lots of doting relatives around would you trust them enough to take her out for a walk to give you a break or some sleep?
Won't help this time and feel free to be cross with suggestion but using the travel cot at home for a few days before you go away can help.
So sorry you're going through this, I remember so well the desperation that comes with true exhaustion. It's abysmal. You are doing everything right including "just" holding her.

Thanks marmite. I naively thought as long as we brought along her favourite music box, toys etc and kept to roughly the same feed and sleep times, dd would be ok. Every minute has been about trying to get her to sleep or trying to stop her crying.
Every time anyone other than me or dp have picked her up she has just screamed non stop. This feels more like an endurance test than a holiday..
Your suggestion is a v good one, we'll get our own travel cot and try her out in it at home.

Today has been even worse than yesterday, we are going home tomorrow, my poor dd hasn't smiled once since we got here ands has cried and cried. I don't care if we never go away again, I'm never putting her through this unless I'm sure she can cope.

I'm sorry the trip didn't go well. Be assured its nothing you did or didn't do.
At 4 months I couldn't have taken DS anywhere. At 5.5 months we went to Australia! (booked before ds arrived or id never have dared!) It just got a lot better, and bizarrely, though he still screamed in the car and the buggy at that stage, he was a total pro on a plane, didn't whinge once on the way there and only a grizzle or 2 on the 36 hour trip home.
It will get better.
Our first trip out was to go for dinner with local friends (just down the road) and stay overnight. It wasn't great but much better knowing I could give up and go home whenever we wanted.
She will get better, she will learn to cope. You will survive this. You will even look back in a few months and come on a forum like this to support someone else going through this special form of hell.
Get a break though. If your DP is off for the week too then take a half day and go out on your own or with a friend. Or better still get him to take dd out and you get some sleep. She'll scream at home or out and you need some rest.
May be worth a return visit to gp too just to make sure no ear infection etc for your DD.
Can't really think of anything you haven't tried.
Just face each day at a time. All the very best. Keep posting if it helps.

Lovely post marmite. I agree, one day million will be on here responding to a post just like this and giving someone else hope that it really does get better.

At 4 months I seriously could barely leave the house with DS1 and actually didn't dare go away over night with him til he was 3 years old! . I had sort of got myself into a night time routine with him as a baby, the only way I could cope with him during the day was knowing he would be in bed by 7pm and I was afraid to break that routine incase it all fell apart and he couldn't cope with the changes. Needless to say it was fine and we've been on several holidays, even flights with him and he's absolutely fine now but as a baby it would have been torturous.

DS2 is a bloody nightmare at other people's houses. He gets fed up of being held, only really wants to sit in pushchair or car seat if he's being fed and pretty much gets bored on the floor after a few minutes so doing anything with him is more or less impossible to enjoy at the moment. It's awful. Today he has whinged and cried most of the day. I am assuming it's teething, but it's so hard to tell with babies like this. They are hard work whatever we do!

Please don't feel like a failure for giving up and going home. You are doing what your DD needs. Do whatever relieves the stress upon you. Stressed out mummy will not reassure and deal with an already stressed out baby!

It will get better, I promise. DS2 is 8 months now and is already miles better than he was at 4 months but I know we have a long way to go. I seem to spend my life counting down til his birhtday and wishing his life away which is horrid but it's so hard to get any enjoyment out of babies like this. I adore him but being around his is very very draining.

Thanks rowan and marmite - support is really appreciated. We are home now and much as I feel bad about disappointing everyone, it was the right thing to do. I was very stressed and anxious and am sure dd picked up on that which can't have helped her.
I find it easy to lose confidence as a mum, it's hard to know what's wrong with dd sometimes and I'm just feeling my way in the dark a lot of the time. Have just put her down dosed up with nurofen and gaviscon to cover teething and reflux ( and lots of cuddles to reassure her she's safe and sound:)
It might not work but will just keep trying.
I do feel like I have no life outside of her at the moment and dp finds it hard that he's lost 'us' to some degree but until things settle down I just don't have the time and energy for anything else. I do look forward someday to a night out, a weekend away and a few drinks :)

Btw I think dd might be experiencing separation anxiety, she won't go to anyone but myself or dp and if we are out of sight, she cries. Only noticed it in last week or two, she's very sociable otherwise, loves all the classes, children's centres etc, but I guess I'm always holding her at those. I hadn't expected it to happen so early??

Don't lose confidence. Your still coping, which is quite an achievement! (even if it doesn't always feel that way).

My DH got quite frustrated with it all too, but then that's a long story. It did help him when I reassured him I did still love him I just had barely enough energy to breathe and eat let alone manage couple time.

I suspect, if your dd is so distressed such a lot that she is bound to take time to settle with other people. I remember when I left DS at nursery at 6 months I genuinely didn't believe he'd be happy and thought he'd never sleep. But he had a great time and slept reasonably well. If you have a friend or relative who's had kids recently, let them take your dd out for a walk. Yes she may scream the whole time but even half an hour of peace will be so good for you and it won't do her any harm, especially if she'd just be screaming at home anyway. She's a bit young for true separation anxiety I think, it she will miss your smell and special mummy cuddles. If you're feeling brave in a month or so, and it's feasible, then consider a morning in nursery or a good childminder. Recharging your batteries is so important and your dd may enjoy being with other babies.

Or maybe take it in turns to have a night off, if you feel you could leave DP for a couple of hours. Things may be hard for a while yet so finding a way to survive it is essential.

Wishing you an unexpected good nights sleep...

The other thing I forgot to say, and you may have already done, is to consider asking your gp for a referral to a paediatrician. I'm quite medical so would want to be really sure I wasn't missing anything with her health that was making her so upset.
Apologies if you've already been down this route or feel she is growing/developing fine and that it's not appropriate.

I'm another one who's going to say, hang in in there, it will get easier. In a few years from now, you will be telling your child just what a complete horror they were as a newborn!

My DS1, now aged 8 years, was simply exhausting. Scream, feed, scream, feed pretty much on repeat. I dreaded taking him out, and used to wonder where on earth I was going wrong. He hardly napped, nothing seemed to soothe him. Nothing like my friends' babies.

Now I can see that he was simply a hungry, frustrated and sensitive baby. He did get easier as he got older, although we had a few more tricky phases through toddler years, but I now have a bright, sensitive child, and the baby years just seem like a dream.

How's it going million? Hope you're feeling more settled at home. All the best.

You're not a failure. Sleep deprivation is torturous.

My first child was like this - a poor sleeper and just not a very cheery baby. It was tough going and I seem to remember this stage being a breaking point for me. I was just utterly exhausted and fed up of being the zombie with the whingey baby at every baby group.

It WILL get better. Try to be around supportive people as much as possible. I dont have much practical advice, as I also tried every trick in the book and in the end my baby just had to grow of that stage, really...but you are NOT alone.

Ditto ditto ditto to all the above comments.

My DS (now aged 3) was exactly the same and I was constantly exhausted. I've lost count of the aborted trips out due to his screaming. I never ventured far from home and tried lots of baby classes but got sick of being surrounded by people who seemed to be coping beautifully whilst I was a wreck! They all told me it would get better by x months and I used to set that as a milestone then feel like I failed miserable when it passed and things weren't better. As others have said, he just didn't like being a baby.

We tried cranial osteopathy, baby massage (we were referred by HV to a class for 'problematic' babies - DS screamed so much we were asked to leave twice out of 5 classes), we tried all manner of sleeping places (sling, carrycot, car, on a fleece, blah blah) but nothing made a difference. We switched formula milk to different brands, tried weaning and even spent £1k getting a 'night nanny' in for 6 nights to try and help us get some sleep and give us some advice. I spent my evenings on the phone to support lines like Crysis sobbing my eyes out whilst DS screamed incessantly. Eventually I ran out of tears and used to just physically shake - the overwhelming tiredness and bewilderment and feeling of failure needed to come out somehow. I honestly can't say whether any of it made any difference. I begged my boss to let me go back to work after 12 weeks as I needed to do something 'normal' again.

I know this all sounds depressing and isn't a great deal of actual help for you but I hope it will give you some comfort that there are plenty of other children who are just as hard work as yours.

DS has just turned 3 and he's still spirited, stroppy and strong-willed but he's also the most amazing little boy in the world (I am biased!). He has bucket loads of personality and comes out with some real crackers. We have a lot of fun together and with (a lot of) hindsight I'm grateful for the heartache in the early times but I would never ever do it again! If I'm brutally honest it took me 2 years before I started to 'enjoy' him. Sorry if that makes you recoil with horror but I'm just being honest.

Please don't give up - I firmly believe that the most difficult babies become the most rewarding children. I'm proud to be raising such an individual. When I find myself exasperated because he's pushing all the boundaries I remind myself of how boring life would be if I had a child who did as they were told and didn't challenge what life threw at them. Sending you lots and lots of hugs x

Thanks all for your posts.
Alaska - you've actually made me feel fortunate my dd isn't as tough as your ds was :) I echo a lot of what you've said, I struggle with feeling a failure sometimes and can't help comparing myself to other mums. Have accepted this is just who dd is, I truly do love her but am sure I will never have a second child as I could never go through this again.
Marmite - thanks for asking, things are better at home, we even had a couple of really good days where dp took dd out, she really enjoyed it and even napped and I got a break. Dd has really taken to solids and even did her first ever 2 hr nap. We've decided to book a maternity nurse two days a week to help until I'm getting more sleep at night. (We used one when dd was first born and she's come back to see us a few times, she's lovely, is fantastic with dd, very patient, affectionate and caring.) Dp has also convinced me to have a night away and stay with friends sometimes, just to get some sleep. I finally had to accept I couldn't do it all on my own. I've also started being honest with other mums about why I can't make it on outings a lot of the time and about getting help. Most have been very supportive (and feel very grateful they don't face the same challenges...).

That's all fantastic news. I know it doesn't change the fundamental problem, but I'm so pleased you're getting some help and support. The maternity nurse sounds like a great idea, as does going to stay with friends and getting some sleep. You'll feel like you can take on the world once you've had a decent nights sleep!
Please don't ever feel guilty about taking these steps, it takes huge courage to admit you need help and your DP sounds very supportive in getting that help for you. You are doing a fantastic job as a mum and this will make you a happier family, I have no doubt.
And you won't want to hear it, but after a horrific first 5-6 months with DS I didn't think I'd ever want to do it again....fast forward 2 years and I'm 12 weeks pg! Figure it can't be any worse!!!! You will forget the pain of it all, and your dd will brighten your whole world for many many years.
All the very best. Have no doubt you will cope brilliantly. It's all going to get easier from here.