What to expect from a three year old at the table?

[rubberglove]

My three year old is awful at mealtimes, or maybe I am expecting too much?

I need some perspective because most meal times I am losing my temper.

She will not use cutlery, even for messy pasta dishes which she would prefer to shovel in with her fingers. It really irritates me for some reason. I know she can use a spoon, she does it for puddings! I also know she can use a fork if it is food that is easy to stab. Otherwise I will help but am I being too strict?

Otherwise it is the general messing, fussing etc. Mealtimes are wearing me down!

Depends how old I think. I'd just about tolerate a just 3yo doing this, but if she's almost 4 I don't think this is acceptable.

Can you just give her the stuff that she will eat with a fork for a while, no messy dishes etc, so that she gets used to using the cutlery all the time? If she wants pasta she gets it plain?

Tbh if DS had done this I would have taken it away and suffered the strops, but I'm mean :)

To be honest, I don't think you are too strict, I think you are not strict enough! I've got a 2 1/2 year old who has used a spoon or fork since she was 7 months old, and has just started eating with knife and fork as well. There is no way I would let her eat messy dishes such as pasta with her hands. If she tries to shovel food in with her hands or plays with her food I'd assume she's had enough and it would get taken away. She is allowed to eat with her hands if it's clearly finger food (fruit, bread sticks, raisins, sandwiches, also chips because I like to eat them with my fingers ).
Can I ask if she eats her meals just by herself? I've always tried to include my two in family meals whenever possible and they seem to have copied the way dh and I eat.

My nearly 3 yo DS2 still usually eats with his fingers. I know so many fussy kids, to me the important thing at this age is to have a good eater who finishes his veg and is willing to try new foods. Table manners can come later IMO.

Hi, I would say out of a seven day week, on average, we eat as a family or at least with me (if dh is late), four days.

I also have a ds, six, who has sat nicely and used cutlery from about her age, probably younger.

I don't know what it is? Or where I might have got things wrong. We eat out far less because she is so difficult, she has saved us a lot of money!

My ds can be taken anywhere to eat, even somewhere quite posh. But he has a great appetite, isn't fussy and has always been great at mealtimes

I don't want to sound like I am favouritising my ds. She has qualities too, she sleeps far better!

This is just the thing stressing me out at the moment.

I've got a similar age gap . How odd that your dd is so different to your ds. Ours is the other way round if anything. dd1 has picked up 'bad' habits from eating school dinners, with some of her classmates clearly struggling with cutlery.
Would bribery work? Stickers for using cutlery with a treat at the end of the week?

TBH i make my not-quite-two year old use cutlery, even if she's just spooning in stuff I've chopped up.

All children are different - its not unusual for siblings to have different personalities. DS ate beautifully with cutlery - i was smug, thought it was down to my parenting, scorned those whose children messed about with food. then I had DD. She is nearly 3, snacks, eats with fingers, wanders round, very little appetitie. I used to stress - but talked to paediatrician and dietician who both said the same thing - let her eat what she wants, when she wants, how she wants - never make an issue of eating, it can lead to real problems later on. So that's what we do.

I don't mind the cutlery issue so much (though we do encourage it, DP more than me seems to get irritated by fingers in food) but we have just started cracking down more on sitting properly at the table and not getting down until you're finished. Also DC2 is now sitting at the table on a booster seat rather than a highchair so we try and make DC1 wait until she has finished her main before giving pudding or else she will immediately want that instead. He's having lunch twice a week at pre-school now so I think that will help. DP and I like eating out and have always said we want our kids to be well enough behaved that we can take them out (nowhere flash, just pubs, pizza restaurants etc) so I do think its important. I think generally the year 3-4 is a really important transition from only doing stuff with mummy and being allowed to pretty much follow their own way to needing to follow instructions, be in a group etc and eating appropriately is all part of that.

my ds can use cutlery to begin with then gets bored and shovels it in with his hands I'm like arghhh!!

it is tough, boring and stressful to discipline over food but and it is a huge BUT you are doing your child an enormous favour. We all know people that have bu**er all table manners and it is torturous to sit with them and eat, or even friends who don't eat dramatically badly, but just don't as nicely as they could (and should).

reason being? their own parents were no doubt lax with them about table manners.

i am a real stickler with my ds (2.2) because i want good manners to be innate to him. not an effort, ust something he does without thinking.

it will set your child up very well for the future, and give her so much confidence i.e. eating out at an important work function, a first date etc etc.

So i absolutely think you should persevere. You are not expecting too much at all, but if your DD is not hitting your expectations, do not despair, just crack on. you will make a breakthrough and, as a result, you will be be proud to eat with your daughter at restaurants etc, and she will thank you later on in life

DC1 is similar; he's 3 in a few days and uses cutlery on and off while he eats. He'll start off using his spoon or fork but then will switch to his hands as it's easier to pick out the bits he likes best to eat first. It drives me nuts as manners are very important to me. I tend to just remind him when I see it (i.e. 'use your fork, please, not your hands' along with, 'wipe your hands on your napkins not your clothes' sigh). He's very good at sitting for the entire meal and to be fair if he has a napkin mostly he'll use it so I'm hoping tidiness and utensil use will improve with age.

How do people feel about where food goes on the table? I mean, if there's something on his plate he doesn't like he puts it on his place mat in a pile (god forbid it stay on his plate) but my DM thinks that's bad manners and insists it goes on a plate (anyone's).

I think its about balance and perspective. Having endured years of extreme fussy eating with my DS, who ended up in feeding clinics and under care of child psychologists with food related issues when he was 2-3, for me the biggest learning was to let go and ensure that mealtimes were not full of stress and expectation and a list of rules. It was about allowing him to explore the food, to touch, to taste without me hovering over him demanding to use cutlery or not make a mess and so on. (it was very hard at first!)

Of course, there were boundaries i had, such as, he was not allowed to throw the food, or purposely drop it on the floor etc, but it did mean we allowed him to eat with fingers and get in rather a mess.

Now he is coming up to being 6 and his eating is significantly improved, his attitude to new foods is much better and yes he sits nicely at the table and uses his knife and fork properly.

Of course i am coming at it from an extreme angle. My DD (4) was always a much better eater but i think lowering our own expectations a little has helped create a sense of enjoyment of food. She also uses a knife and fork and will sit at the table nicely and we have not pressured or forced her to do so.

BTW the doctors and psychologists we worked with said in general to not worry too much about table manners up to the age of about 5 - they key before this is to ensure they get a sense of enjoyment of food and eating - table manners can be taught easily after this age.

We have always taken ourchildren out for meals and their behaviour is good in restaurants - they might not always eat much but they sit nicely and dont run around etc.

I wouldn't worry much about cutlery at that age. I don't get the fixation that children should be using a knife and fork properly before they start school. A lot of young children struggle with cutlery, I know I did. They can learn to use cutlery in good time.

This is a good thread - lots of different perspectives given, but without a judgy tone!

Eating with fingers is an issue for my 2.8 y.o. because he has eczema on his hands and food irritates it. Both the eczema nurse and dermatologist said it would continue until he was at the age where he used cutlery more than fingers - which one of them said was around age 4, the other said was around age 4 or 5. Both have lots of experience with children whose hand eczema is exacerbated by eating with fingers.

DS's fine motor skills aren't good enough for him to use cutlery very efficiently yet. He does use cutlery - but, for example, he'll pick something up with one hand, spear it onto the fork he's holding in the other hand and then eat it off the fork.

DD (just three) was BLW so did all her early eating with her hands. I can't say I worry too much about it. She can use a spoon and fork and I do say to her "come on DD, use your spoon and fork like a big girl please" and she'll then make an effort. But there are other factors in the mix - after being a total omnivore she's going through a bit of a fussy phase at the moment and so I'm happy to see her eating her veg without worrying too much about how. I think it does also depend on how tired she is. I think I'd be more concerned in six months time.

I have moved her to mostly metal cutlery now, I think the forks in particular are much easier to use.

yy to metal cutlery. it is so much harder to slice/spear/scoop with plastic
ikea do brilliant small cutlery