Do women change after having children?

[IA71]

My husband says that I have changed since having my second child and not for the better! How do you think women change? I know I now find my relationship with my MIL very difficult and sometimes my husband can do nothing right. Is it to do a mother's instinct and need to protect her children?

Of course women change.

I went being from a happy, self absorbed girl without a care in the world, to a responsible adult overnight. It hit me hard and has changed me forever.

I will never know what it's like to sleep rock solid ever again - or at least not in the near future. I sleep with one eye open. The stress of worrying about my kids (one has a medical condition), has aged me, both physically and mentally.

I will never be the same. Nor should I be.

I've tried so hard to retain "me", I got back to riding my horse at 6 weeks, working full-time, not becoming a martyr - and yet I found myself becoming "that woman" when away on a business trip last week. I kept finding myself asking people "do you have kids?". Mortifying. :(

I don't think I fundamentally changed, but when dd arrived 16mths after ds both dh and I were under a huge amount of stress and our relationship really suffered. Neither of us were terribly nice to each other for quite a while I suspect.

However as the children have got older dh and I have become friends and then lovers again and life is generally good. Age and experience have changed us both, but not fundamentally.

I think that new parents (fathers as well as mothers) should get more advice about coping as a family with the changes and stresses of babies and small children.

Hear hear, nooka!
I guess I am more able to prioritise things; having a toddler has helped me in a lot of ways at work as I can be a lot more firm now. I'm probably slightly less inhibited though still fairly shy.
On the minus side, I'm much fatter, more tired, snappier, crosser, scruffier and more liable to burst into floods of tears. I guess prior to having a small child I had much more 'alone time' to sort my head out; these days the things that used to relax me (such as pottering about in the garden or going for a run) are shared with a toddler so not particularly relaxing!

nooka Your post really rang true with me - my husband and I have said some wicked things to each other whilst under the influence of demonic toddlers or exhaustion. We keep reminding ourselves that this too will pass and that our marriage is a testament to time - and nothing we're squabbling about right now is divorce-worthy.

I don't even recognise the person I was two years ago.

I have 2 under 2 - a 17 month old and a 10 week old. Dc1 was born 3 months early and the stress of his birth and subsequent 2 month stay in SCBU nearly broke me. He was conceived via IVF so to say discovering I was pg with (unplanned) dc2 was a surprise is a vast understatement.

Both babies have had horrendous reflux so weren't/ aren't very enjoyable until a bit later on. I do most of the donkey work by myself due to DH's work hours and I haven't had any time for myself in I don't know how long.

I am fatter, scruffier, tireder... I still love my husband but I look at him and have no idea how to connect. I don't know how we'll make it intact but I hope we do. Having a miserable, incredibly high needs small baby and a toddler is harder than I could have ever imagined. I love them both dearly but I can't remember when I last felt truly happy. Sad but true.

If it's any consolation Snowboarder we found that once we were past the baby years having two very close together has lots of upsides. My two are very good friends and there are lots of advantages to having your children at basically the same stage of life. I've no regrets now. But it is incredibly exhausting for the first year or two, not least because I think having an intense period of pregnancy and breastfeeding seriously beats up your body. Remember to be nice to yourself (and accept help from whoever offers immediately!)

snowboarder My 2 are 19 months apart and #2 had terrible reflux which wasn't diagnosed until 17 weeks - by which time we were coming out of the woods anyway.

Today is a glorious day - it is the first day they have ever both been in creche for a full day! We went out to lunch like real people and are just about to go to the gym together.

They're now 2.2 and 7 months and they're starting to interact and it's fantastic - we're done now at 2 and I'm able to tell myself with each passing week that we're a week away from hell.

I've changed. I don't have time for arguments, and even if I did I won't allow it in front of my child - who is always with me.

I wrote a ton of other stuff but I sounded miserable and self pitying. Suffice to say, my baby comes first now, before anyone else in my life, and that manifests itself in many small changes.

I agree with other posters - having 2 young DC is tough and tiring and it's hard not to let that affect your relationship. DH and I went through a rough patch at that stage, but we're fine now (even though we've had another DC since then and now have 3 under 7!).

It's worth hanging onto your marriage if you can. It sounds like you and DH need to sit down and chat about what you could both do to try and reconnect, while recognising that you are tired and human. Date night once a week? I know it sounds a bit cringey but it helped us.

Focus on the two of you though - don't worry about your MIL!

Yes, I've never been more scatty since I had children!

I've got two under 3, both non sleeping reflux, food intolerances children. Has it changed me? Hell yeah!!!! My god I'm a miserable cow now.

Love my beasts though.

I Have changed, initially i was a mess but now because ihave to have so much under control i am more confident than i have ever been, actually now im lighter too because i know i dontwant to be pregnant again so in mymind i lost weight to reclaim my body (reallydidnt enjoy beong pregnat) boobs are like deflates balloons though and yes take absolutely no bs from dh and am more assertive but also have lost interest in work as life now seems so much more important, having children has made me feel alive. (pass the bucket but it true)