Can't cope with my 16 month old - please help me

[Ercolle]

DS has always been a 'high needs' baby, right from birth - grumpy and crying a lot. We've had patches of a few weeks at at time where things have been a little better but the overall pattern has remained the same as he's got older. I have always tried to be responsive, never left him to cry it out etc and generally tried to be calm. But things are getting worse and worse and we have days where he whines or shouts the whole day.

For example, yesterday afternoon, we tried a trip to the park. He screamed in the buggy on the way there because he doesn't like being restrained in the buggy. He was happy for about 30 minutes when we were there, then he wanted some rice cakes from my bag so I gave him a few, and then he screamed/shouted solidly for about 20 minutes when I wouldn't let him have any more and took him home in the buggy. At home, he screamed while I was getting his tea ready, ate his tea happily and then screamed as soon as he had taken the last mouthful to get down. We then went to play in the living room and he screamed because he wanted to be in the kitchen - I won't go on but you get the picture. If any tiny thing isn't exactly as he wants it that second, he screams and I can't handle it any more. Sometimes I don't even know why he's screaming. I need some strategies for coping as I am reaching breaking point. Yesterday and today, I shouted at him to shut up. I am so ashamed of that and it goes against everything I believe as a parent. My own mother used to scream at us fairly regularly - I hated it. The thought that I might end up parenting my DS like my mother parented us fills me with despair.

I find myself having negative thoughts about DS, wishing he could be different, like some of my friends' toddlers who are basically content. I know all toddlers have tantrums, but honestly I think DS is worse than other toddlers.

I would really appreciate any ideas for coping - particularly on how not to lose my cool - I never want to shout at him again like that, when I wasn't in control.

Anyone?

That is really, really tough to have to work through. Small child here goes through patches of whinge and that's bad enough, so I'm impressed you've only fully cracked yesterday, after 16 months.

The only way I managed to cope was to consider whether there was genuine upset (which I found stressful as child was unhappy), or just low level discontent (which I could shut out a bit as no distress), IYSWIM?
That way, my stress level stayed low enough to be able to try either a distraction technique or a shrug and ignore depending.
The other strategy was five minutes (timed) in another room for me. Small child was informed what I was doing and why and it bought me just enough sanity to go back and cope.

Certainly doesn't work all the time, but does become a positive circle, the less response they get to the negative, the more they use smiling and asking positively instead. Also, once the talking starts, that helps too as they can explain what frustration is creating the whinge.

Hopefully there'll be a few more posters along shortly with other techniques too.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time :(
I'm no good at advice I'm afraid but when DS was going through a similar phase (and he still has days where he's the same at 19 months) then I made a vow to not sweat the small stuff.
Does it really matter if he has a few extra rice cakes if it keeps him happy? Does it matter if he takes all the books off the shelf 10 times? Does it matter if he sits on the kitchen floor while you lean on the side and drink tea? If it's not life threatening and makes him happy then I generally let him get on with it.
If he screams and I can't comfort him, then he screams and I MN do something else for a minute or 2.
Sorry for rambling in a not very helpful manner, I hope things improve :)

No amazing advice sorry but didn't want to read and not respond. Please don't feel ashamed- everyone has their limits and although shouting is not usually the answer we have all been there at some point- it doesn't mean your a bad parent honestly. Have you spoken to your health visitor- I know some are better than others. This is a really difficult age especially for high need little ones but it won't be this way forever. Do you have anyone else at home to support you?

Mine was often grumpy when teething or coming down with something, often she'd drive me up the wall for a couple of days before showing signs of being ill e.g. temp, runny nose. I realise yours has always been HM but if he's particularly crabby, could that be why? If he wants to do his own thing then let him (just take the matches away) and sit down for 5 minutes and have glass of wine and some cake. Takes the edge off, gives you a little break...

Counting to 10 slowly sometimes works if I feel I'm losing the plot
Deep breaths and MN mantra "this too shall pass"
Wine

We have days like this (why do they have to scream?!) and lots of whinging too. DS is definitely high needs (I'd never tell anyone that in RL cos I don't want to label him negatively but it's hard work) but I've found We have less screaming and whinging if:

1. he's fed and given an opportunity to sleep at regular intervals (approx breakfast at 8.30, nap at 11, lunch at 12.30, snack at 4, dinner at 7, bed at 7.30/7.45)
2. I take him out at least once a day and let him walk at his own pace and in his own direction
3. I offer lots of praise when he does stuff well, even if it's just remembering to say thank you without being reminded/holding my hand when walking
4. I put my phone down and just sit with him for intervals while he plays
5. I make him laugh several times a day
6. we discuss what we've done at the end of each day
7. I let him 'help' with things - loading the washing machine /stirring the dinner and show him and tell him what I'm doing
8. I think carefully about whether something is worth 'arguing' about - I agree with a pp it wouldn't have hurt to have a few more rice cakes
9. if I feel myself getting wound up I putc him somewhere safe and take 5 minutes. Sometimes I go through my photos of him to remind me how much I love him, I can then go and comfort him without getting cross

I wish I knew how to stop him copping a strop every time I stop him opening and closing a gate/door repeatedly and I wish I had a way to make him have a 2nd nap when he gets cranky in the afternoon but we're in a better place than we were at 16 months so there is hope for you!

Don't feel too bad for shouting - sometimes it's hard to feel heard and (if you're anything like me) being shouted at by a toddler makes you feel like a child being scolded (again) and something in you wants to shout "don't Yell at me!" - its hard to maintain patience when you're being yelled at but it is possible to try harder to tomorrow

does your son walk yet? DS got much happier when he became mobile (didn't crawl) but I do have to 'exercise' him regularly! Can he talk? DS is becoming easier the more he can talk but baby Signing was the start we needed, I think a lot of it is frustration at not being able to communicate their needs - maybe this would work for you?

You sound like you care a lot and want the best for your son, it will get easier I promise!

I know exactly how u feel. My dd is just the same except she's 3 and still at it! I wake up all positive thinking today I will be calm and we will have a lovely day by 8.45am dd is on the floor screaming and I'm shouting over her, stop screaming and get up, I need to get DS to school! And the day goes down hill from there!

Something I found helped was to tell DC what was going to happen, so if I was giving DC some rice cakes I would hand them over one by one, then the last one I would say "this one then no more. Do you understand? This one then all gone". Also choices - would you like the yellow cup or the blue cup. Would you like to walk or go in the buggy?

Didn't always work as sometimes they just seem to want to strop but cut down the tantrums by half or so. And when all else failed, I pretended I was on a reality tv show being filmed and pasted on a Blue Peter presenter persona. Fake it until you make it!

Hi, my ds who's 2 used to scream, he would and still does take a deep breath and scream. Bring tears to my eyes thinking about it. The volume was horrendous.

The thing is I'm not a lover of noise, I'm not a loud person so a child screaming was really hard to listen to. Ds learnt very quickly that if he screamed he got attention and it sounds the same with your ds.

I made a decision that screaming would not get attention and I would walk away go in the kitchen it upstairs etc. obviously he screamed louder, and I would go back in and say stop shouting g look at mummy. Sometimes he would stop shouting and sometimes he wouldn't and I would go back in the room and okay with his toys to try to distract him. But only after I had a few minutes to steel myself.

He also would scream at bedtime, full head thrown back scream and I would time each time I went back it to settle him. Sort of worked might work better for you.

Play= okay

I stopped telling him to stop screaming for a while as that seemed to make it worse. It is a phase. It will pass

I found this stage particularly difficult with my DS (now 21 months). I know how difficult it is to find time to read with small children, but 2 books to recommend:

Firstly, have you read The Wonder Weeks book? I found this very helpful in outlining the stages of development that children go through in the first 20 months. The basic premise is that children become particularly fussy and difficult for a few weeks just before a major developmental leap. You can 'chart' whether they are in one of these phases by looking at their age - although note that this is based upon babies that are born on their due dates- seeing babies' development as continuous from the womb. So if yours was born 1 week late (for example), he will hit the stage 1 week earlier than a baby that was born on time. If your baby was born 3 weeks early, he will hit it 3 weeks later than the book says. And so on. I found it very helpful and very accurate for my DS and from my memory I think that 16 months is around the time of one of those phases. He was like a different child during those fussy phases (and is much easier now).

Secondly, and possibly of more immediate help for handling tantrums, have you read 'tears and tantrums' by Alice J. Solter? I have only just got it and am finding it very helpful and is really helping me to have a slightly different perspective on raging and crying in young children. I highly recommend it.

Finally, 2 simple tips that has really helped with my son. Firstly, trying to find ways of giving him information about what is going to happen next. For example, I always tell him when we're about to leave the park "5 mins to go"
"4 mins to go", etc.. and then I say, "I'm going to count to 3 and put you in the buggy now". It doesn't stop the tantrum immediately, but over time he has realised that there's no choice and there's no point making a huge fuss. Obviously, I know my DS is too young to have any real concept of time, but it's introducing it to him and it's like an early warning sign. Secondly, at the age he is at particularly, really pick your battles - I agree with PseudoBadger on that one.

It is so tricky at this age when you can't reason with them. Don't be disappointed in yourself. You sound like a fantastic Mum doing your best to handle your DS at a v difficult age. Couldn't agree more with Pseudo Badger. Make life easier on yourself where you can by letting him have eg a few more rice cakes or whatever. I used to worry that if I gave in on stuff like that my DS would end up spoilt and not understand the word "No". But I think so long as you are firm on the stuff that matters eg dont run into the road then letting them have their way on smaller stuff at that age does no harm. Where you can't stop the screaming, I found that trying to put myself in his shoes helped me not to get annoyed when I was feeling wound up eg it must be frustrating not to be allowed to investigate that stone by eating it when you dont know why you can't or where I have no clue what it's about that it must be frustrating not to be able to explain the problem. Hope that helps a bit. Otherwise just hold on to the fact that he will grow out of it.

High needs here too. I found that age is very stressful when they have no sense and little ability to communicate. Yes baby signing or just make up your own, pointing, encourage it all.

And agree just give him the rice cakes or the remote to play with or whatever you can tolerate. Don't sweat the small stuff is great advice so your patience and reserves are not at low ebb when it comes to the serious battles (getting in car seat, going to bloody sleep etc.)

Offer choices, two books or drinks held in front of his nose for him to choose between. Also if I have a bit of time to kill I let him direct where we go in the buggy/walking (pointing), gives him a sense of power I think!

Apologise if you shout. When he screams at me it is so tempting to shout STOP SHOUTING AT ME but that is ridiculous. Recently had some success with "I can hear you (whisper) if you use a quiet voice." Repeat until he notices.

And make sure you have snacks and naps and medicine and time apart! It makes all the difference.

I feel for you and know exactly how you feel as DS2 (age 2) is/was a screamer.

He has been such hard work and the last couple of years has been a real struggle. He never seems happy unless everything is precisely as he wants it. He also seems to be even grumpier when he is teething.

Saying that I feel like we are coming out the other side now. He is just 2 and starting to chill out a bit. I think he is happier as he can communicate better with me and interact more.

Just hang in there, it will get better. Remember you are not the only one with a grumpy toddler!!!

Thank you so much for your replies, reading them has really helped me this morning. I want to reply properly but am on way to work at the moment (I work weds and thurs) so I will reply properly later. Thanks again.