Toddler reducing me to tears daily :-(

[Steth]

I'm at my wits end with my DS. He is 27months and his behaviour is progressively getting worse. He bit someone in nursery yesterday, pushed someone else over (much younger) and after a long chat with him about it promised it wouldn't happen again....low and behold he bit someone again today. I took his favourite teddy away as punishment and he tried to lash out at me by hitting and loud pitch screaming. I bought him new Pj's and on presenting them to him he said he didn't like them and threw them at me. Final straw...at dinner time he swore (not directly to me but nevertheless he swore) I picked him up put him straight into his bed, no dinner, no favourite teddy, no story time and no hugs and kisses. I then went into the kitchen and sat at the table and burst into floods of tears. I feel like the worst parent in the world, I feel like I can't handle him and I've started crying in front of him and have shouted at him several times this week. What should I do? I'm also pregnant and feel very tired and emotional at the moment

Don't be hard on yourself, little kids can push all our buttons and we've all been there at some point. I know it's a cliche but he's "testing the boundaries" and seeing what he can get away with. You are meanwhile awash with changing hormones and feeling less of a Wonder Woman. Please don't feel like you're the worst parent ever. Do you have a supportive partner or family close by?

THanks Donkey, its hard sometimes. My Dh works abroad 5 days a week so I'm pretty much parenting all on my own, he's great the weekend but weekdays are hard and also very lonely.

It's like a tag team sometimes isn't it, "Thank God Daddy's home". Anyone else you can vent to in rl?

Sorry pressed Post Message instead of Preview, was going to say I've lurked here for ages but only joined Mumsnet this weekend, so not sure how this would work, could you maybe see if there are any Mumsnetters in your area?

Steth could you get a babysitter for a couple of hours? Possible at the weekend so you could go out, even if just for a walk or coffee shop. You sound like you need a bit of time off now and again.
Mine DS have made my cry with their behaviour in the past. All I can say it try and remain cosistent with consequences for bad behaviour and praise the good.
As for the biting, well nursery need to be dealing with this. My sister was a nursery nurse and her advice for biters at nursery is that it can often be due to frustration and lack of attention. So the biter should assigned a member of staff who can step in with a distraction when the biter is about to bite. This should stop the habit.
It sounds to me like you are a very caring mum doing a good job.

yes, we have all been reduced to tears by our toddlers, please believe me

a couple of tips:

1. at 27 months, he's still only got limited language skills, so reasoning with him about his behaviour a long time after the event is difficult for him to understand. he may not understand past tenses properly for example. Any kind of response to the unwanted behaviour (time out or whatever) needs to happen immediately, so that he can make a link between the behaviour and the consequence. he may tell you he won't do it again, but it is unlikely he'll have the understanding and emotional maturity to follow through on his promise.

1. make the consequences things that won't be detrimental to your day too. If his favourite teddy is a comforting thing for him, then removing it could make life worse for you IYSWIM - by disrupting his sleep, and therefore yours. Another example is, don't threaten to cancel, say a trip out, because then you'll both be stuck inside, miserable. Does that make sense?

1. missing dinner could also make your life more difficult. Hunger makes people more grumpy! No story is less affecting for you here.

1. Ultimately, he needs to feel that he can get your attention, love and approval, so try to end the day with some positivity, however difficult that might be for you after a crappy day!

honestly, I know it's so stressful, but it does get easier with time and practice.

Sounds horrid :(

Do try not to do things like react to swearing - its just a word to him which he's trying out. Ignore ignore ignore.

Also the new pjs - again he won't think of it in the same terms as you so don't take it personally.

Speak to the nursery about the biting and how to tackle. My ds has just started this out of jealousy as he only does it when his baby sister is getting attention :( long chats don't work - keep it simple. Tell him no biting and walk away and keep repeating the message. Taking a teddy won't work - he's too young to make the link properly.

Being tired and pregnant doesn't help! It's hard. I suggest you look for positives in his behaviour. Praise him for nice behaviour, give plenty of affection etc etc. look for the positives and let any small things go. He's only young still.

yes, if the biting is happening at nursery, they need to be responding to it immediately, there's no point you punishing at home later at this age.

if the biting happens at home, then you deal with it as it happens. Anything violent or dangerous should get immediate sanction, such as removal from the fun activity to sit on the thinking step or whatever you go for.

yes, simple language, stern face, low voice: "no biting". no need for any more discussion than that at 2yrs old.

People are giving great advice here. Just wanted to emhasise the praise good behaviour. Make sure he's getting lots of attention and cuddles when being good. Cuddle him on sofa to watch telly/read books. Get him to help you with putting clothes away or other little jobs. And if he cooperates give lots of praise about him being a good little helper. Try to make him feel important and loved. But if he behaves badly ignore as much as you can. All easier said than done if course. Sounds like you are doing well- it's so hard when youhave to deal with them all yourself.

All normal part of parenting. Don't be too hard on yourself. And being pg will make you more emotional and impatient too.

Not liking the pj's- don't take it to heart. I get this off my 5 year old.

The aggressive behaviour-when ds1 had this stage we tried all sorts. What worked for us was, kneeling to his level, calmly and firmly say "ds1 I love you but I will not have this behaviour. It is naughty and wrong and you are not allowed to do it". Depending on the situation, mostly he was removed.

So at the park-we would go home.
Playing with friends-we'd leave
Kicking off in the supermarket -we'd leave

All with as little attention to ds as possible, calmly (on the outside) and explaining why we were leaving.

The swearing at this age I would be inclined to ignore completely. As if you didn't hear it. Not nice or you to hear but if he gets no response he will eventually see that it's no fun and there's no point.

Dr Greens Toddler Taming is a fantastic book if you can download or buy it.

Please don't be hard on yourself. And reassure ds if you feel you've gone too far. Cuddles and loves and attention is ultimately what he'll be after. He's not doing it because he's a terrible hold, he's trying it on.

Would agree, don't discuss it... He won't truely understand and he is receiving attention for the behaviour which could make him do it again.

Not liking the PJs - had that when DCs were 15 too, more fool me .

Thanks everyone, all really good advice. He woke up again and I gave him a cuddle told him I loved him and he had a little glass of milk then off to bed again. I'll speak to the nursery tomorrow and see what they say re biting. Heather yes I think I need a few hours at the weekend to myself - just difficult when you haven"t seen your DH all week and want to spend time with him but he also wants time with DS which means I don't get a break from DS...anyway I think my hormones are playing up but I am feeling positive about tomorrow and that I will give DS as much (positive) attention as possible. Rooby great advice you sound like such a lovely mum.

it's all so normal OP...biting, being cheeky, pushing....not liking things! my DH used to work abroad too....I feel your pain!

Have a nice bath!

Agree. Nursery should be dealing with the biting there and then. No point in punishing afterwards. He's already forgotten about the biting by the time he gets home.

Who cares if he likes the pyjamas! Do you like them, OP? If so, he's wearing them. At this age, you get to make all the decisions about what he wears.

Ignore the swearing. He's obviously copied it from an adult or another child at nursery and likes the effect (shouty, exasperated, pissed off). Reacting to it will give him the attention he wants. It won't be any fun if you ignore it.

next time hes kicking off dont shout or yell or anything just very calmly (get down to his level if you can) say "we will stop this" remove what ever is in his hands gently place it down without slamming and if needed repeat very calmly "we will stop this now".

then get up walk away about 3 steps then try saying something like "lets go get xyz" (anything in a different room) smile and if possible hold his hand.

this gives you both the chance to break the hostile/stress cycle creates a bit of a hmmm hang on shes not playing the shouting game now im confused thing.it also allows you to almost instantly place him in a different enviroment distracting him and giving him a chance to chill avoid fight/flight.

any variation of the above usually works for me and stop works way more than no.

Yes- use distraction as much as possible. Getting in a battle of wills/ power struggle with them is best avoided if possible.

Toddlers can be really vile - all of them! Are there any courses in your area? Most areas have free courses for parents that deal with exactly this sort of stuff - they can teach you some fab techniques for managing the little monkey chopses, and a friendly shoulder to cry on! They are usually called something like Triple P or Parent Survival Course or similar. If you call your council's Family Information Service, they will be able to tell you where your nearest is. Honestly, they're fab, and quite a laugh too.

There is some really great advice above, some of which I'm going to follow. I would stress the finding something positive advice, it turns everything around and the focus is then on good behaviour and both of your moods lift.

Don't be hard on yourself, its really hard dealing with it on your own esp. when you are pregnant.

We've all been there, I'm going to follow the advice esp. at mealtimes, which is my sress point. I have been known to fling full plates of uneaten food at the wall. The plates break (didn't know plastic ones could - who knew), child cries and I have to polyfilla the wall before anyone notices. I'm good 90% of the time, stressed 8% of the time and raging for the rest.

coolerking

have you tried talking to your HV having t o pollyfiller walls as a result of plate throwing is probally best avoided

Sorry everyone for late response, I'd signed out - yes I've had a nice bath, chatted to Dh and feel a lot better. clarex I've never heard of those courses but i'm definitely checking out if theres one nearby. coolerking your comment made me giggle - sounds like maybe my DS is just being a naughty monkey like most other kids but maybe mine is just that little bit naughtier ;-)

Socking,

No, but I do need a good plasterer.

I'm definitely not perfect but I'm actually a really good mother, don't judge me on the basis of one post and please keep you cod diagnosis to yourself.

emmmmmm i wasnt judging at all not even a little bit and i dont even know what cod stands for let alone why you thought i have disgnosed anything.

if anybody said to me that during meal times they throw plates of food at the wall,i would surgest they got some advice on different ways to deal with the stress point, a health visitor is usually a good point of call. even if it was to just avoid the filling.

i dont think anybody is perfect and im sure you are a very good mother. and i know its a pain in the arse fixing walls.

You are not a bad mother! A tired stressed and pregnant one maybe. Have a look at the hand in hand parenting website, as they have a few articles that relate to aggressive behaviour, such as www.handinhandparenting.org/news/13/64/Biting-Pushing-Pulling-Hair-Helping-Children-with-Aggression and an online course you can do called 'No More Hitting.'

I would give one piece of advice and that is not to punish your son. Hand in hand taught me some brain science or 'parenting science' as they call it, explaining in scientific terms, why punishment, such as no dinner, taking away a toy etc. doesn't work. Basically the part of the brain responsible for reason and clear thinking, shuts down when a child feels their emotional connection with a parent is disconnected. Off track naughty behaviour is actually a way to try to reconnect with you and get your attention. If you respond with punishment they just feel rejected and it just results in more bad behaviour!
There's loads more info on the website about how to keep close connections with your children through laughter tears and love can restore your child's natural coo-operative nature.