Did the age gap between kids help you cope?

[WannabeEarthMomma]

I'm not a mum yet, and I don't really get on well with other people's babies/toddlers, so when I think about starting a family in the near future, I worry a lot about getting PND and not being able to cope if I am blessed with one or more kids.

My other half is quite a bit older than me so the main advantage of a small age gap between kids would be, we could have two in the limited time we have left. A possible disadvantage would be, I'm not sure if I could cope with two small kids at the same time. Another alternative might be, to only have one kid. I could probably cope with an only child! I think I might feel sad to only have one though. If I wanted to have two kids with a big age gap I'd have to have the first like, right now! and the gap would be up to 4 or 5 years before I would say, ok, now we're too old, let's stop trying.

So, are you a mum who's not a typical baby-crazy mum? If so, did you choose to stop at one for that reason? Did you choose (or end up) with a particular age gap and find it helped you cope with stress? Or do you find 2 kids is stressful regardless of age gap?

Are you sure you really want kids?

Ok, My DH is 11 years older than me, but I had my first child at 28 (so he was 39) and then we had the second 2 years later. I had mildish PND with DD2 as DD1 was very, very difficult after we had DD2.

Now they are 2 and 4, and they are very close. Looking at people that I know as adults, I think the closer you are in age to each other siblings are, the more likely they are to be close.

You don't say how old you are, but one of my friends has recently been very glad of a sibling while her father has been very unwell. Without wanting to be morbid, if you are likely to need care while you children are still in their 20s and 30s it would be less of a burden if they can share it.

Incidentally, I'm not sure I would have a second child if I could have my time again. I had her because I wanted to have siblings who could be friends, but I think I could have given DD1 more if she had been an only child. I don't know how you can decide if it's more important to have the time and financial imput of your parents while you are young (say until you leave home), or the lifelong support of a sibling who can probably understand you better.

I am pretty sure there's no right or wrong. I don't particularly like babies, (apart from my own) but I love older kids (think 7yo to 14yo) and my own kids have given me so much joy that I couldn't have had any other way.

I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself here. You might find you take to motherhood like a duck to water - it really is unimaginable until you take the plunge. The way you feel about other people's children has no bearing on how you feel about your own. I certainly had no interest in/experience of small children until I had my own. I was 35 when I had dd and found I absolutely loved it. In fact it is hard to think of anything more rewarding (although there's no denying it can be tough at times). There are two years between dd and ds - that was the best gap for me and I have to say that ultimately (though perhaps not initially) two are much easier than one. Mine are both very good friends. I think a bigger age gap means longer getting back to normal if that makes sense and longer until both dcs can enjoy the same activities which always seems very wearing when I look at friends with big age gaps.

Ok, I wasn't (still not really) a huge fan of children. But, as cliched as it sounds, I love my own very much.

I'll fully admit I had PND with DD1, although I know this had to do with huge work problems and failure to breast feed. I just wasn't prepared for how much I would love her and I was very hard on myself and the fact that I'd 'let her down'

DD2 was an accidental pregnancy. She was born when DD1 was 2.3. I was told repeatedly it was a terrible age gap, that DD1 would be jealous etc. Honestly, she was (and still is) absolutely fine. She adores her little sister. I think the reason for this is nothing to do with her age, it's because she's placid and adapts to change very well. So I could've had a 12month age gap, I could've had a 5year gap, it wouldn't have mattered.

It does sound like you're getting way ahead of yourself here (I do it too) but my only advice would be that a second child would be better planned when you think the first could take it. And that could be any age.

Honestly, I think you are way ahead of yourself!
First and most importantly you need to decide if you and your DP really want to have a child. It's a huge commitment and completely life changing, and if we're honest, life restricting. For me it has been an amazing experience, worth the utter exhaustion and limited social life and considering 6am a lie-in, but it's not for everyone and your post suggests you're not sure.
You are unlikely to know if you want a second child until you have had one for some time and settled into motherhood. There's nothing wrong with having an only child, they get a lot of advantages that siblings don't.
And don't forget a lot of healthy couples take a year or more to conceive. If you plan too much you'll end up disappointed.
Very best of luck with your decision.

Honestly?
I felt like you about other peoples kids and doubted whether i wanted to actually have any.
But we bit the bullet and afetr mcuh agony, got ds.
For me, the first 5 years of my ds's life was like a living torture to me.
Adore him and all that but it was just one horror after another. PND to boot.

I would simply have jumped off a building had i got pregnant again in his first 5 years of life.
I would not have coped at all in any shape or form. Just couldnt do it.

He is 9, and i am expecting number 2 now. ds will be nealry 10 when it arrives. he is gorgeous now, self sufficient, helpful, lovely company and i know is going to be a huge help.
So in answer to your question, yes, a large gap has definitely helped me.

I was never baby-crazy. I don't think babies are particularly cute (animals are cuter ) and I never wanted to hold other people's babies or play with other people's kids.

My own are different, they're far nicer than other people's kids. Yours will be too.

Oh, and we had 2 close together. At the preschool stage it was easier with 2 than when I had one (partly because they played together, and partly because DD1 was a pain as a baby but she was an easy toddler, and DD2 an easy baby).

For a long time I was adamant I didn't want kids, but after 7 years with a wonderful partner I seem to have naturally changed my mind. I haven't really got a clue about babies and get on better with older kids. Having said that I visited my sister at Xmas time, and bonding with my baby niece sort of flicked on a switch in my uterus I think!

So, I definitely do want at least one, but it's hard to imagine whether you will cope well with the early years. I have suffered depression in the past so PND is something I worry about.

I am getting ahead of myself. It's just how I am, I plan ahead with everything. I think it's sensible to think carefully about the responsibility of having kids and to be realistic about what I can cope with. OH is 46 so I do need to consider the possible risks too, and the stress it might put on him to be an older father.

Really it's a balance between -
a) healthy mum = bigger gap, or just one,
b) healthy dad = complete family sooner,
c) healthy kid(s) = ??

I think you should find a younger partner. If he had really wanted family life he would have done it by now.

In my experience it depends on temperament of your first child as to how easy/ hard it is to cope with a small age gap between them.
My 1st was tricky and less than 2 year gap meant very hard work for 1 year + but pleased with it now, as when youngest turned 2 they started to play together and do same things, and is v sweet and much easier.

Dd1 is 6 years older than dd2 it's a nightmare... Wouldn't recommend it

Dd started playschool 2 weeks before ds was born. It worked great and I think is still a nice age gap. Dd is 8 and ds 5.

LIke other posters i think you are a little ahead of yourself, but i guess there is no harm in trying to weigh up the pros and cons

Before i had children i wouldn't say i liked children. I love my 2 dearly, more than anything, but i still dont think of myself as particularly a baby/child crazy mum!

There is 16 months between my 2. It was hard work for the first few months but then i got them onto the same routine, eating, sleeping etc and then having 2 wasn't really any harder than 1 tbh. Now they are both at school (1 yr between them), they get on great, are at the same stages, like the same things etc so i like the small age gap

Of course every parent and every child is different so there's no guarantee this would work for everyone!

You may of course, take to motherhood easily. I think the more you stress about it the higher the expectations you will put on yourself and the more the sense of failure that you are not 'perfect' will lead to depression. Ease up a bit, accept that whatever you do will be hard work and that the only thing we can do as mothers is the best we can!

@margerykemp, get a younger man, WTF? You ever heard of love? Only reason we haven't done it earlier is because we only happened to meet 7 years ago, and aren't married or settled yet due to financial reasons. He is looking forward to starting a family as much as I am.

To everyone else, thanks very much for your replies. It's helpful to get some different perspectives on this, as some of you have said, it's hard to know exactly how you will cope with motherhood until you've actually gotten started. I hope that whatever we choose to do, I can unleash my inner zen master and be a chilled-out mum!