three kids, thinking about a fourth?

[Thirstysomething]

Any thoughts?!
Mine are dd 5, dd 3 and ds 6 months. I am 36.
Would ideally love four children BUT.
Financially.... well, we would just make sacrifices in other areas, holidays abroad etc. Car would be a bummer.
'Spiritually' ... stay at home mum with no nanny and just a couple of hours help a week, find tiny babies a bit boring tbh.
Socially ... all my friends are getting to the stage where their youngest is two or more, they are starting to think about things other than nappies and naps, so I am feeling a bit left behind.
I want four children because:
fun for the kids to be part of a big family, especially when they are a bit older, four is a good round number, we have the space, it would be nice for ds to have someone else, whether m or f.
I don't want four because: I want this part of my life to be over quicker - I am getting bored of being at home all the time and it feels like time to move on.
In other words, I wish I had four children but the youngest was five.... !
Please can anyone with experience of four kids/being one of four/having three and regretting/not regretting it give me any feedback?

ps just reread the above and it sounds a bit cold - I adore adore adore my children and that is a big part of wanting a fourth - I don't feel 'done' (although I feel done with nappies, stay at home tedium) and I can't believe I have breastfed for the last time when I love it so much.
Also, ds is 8 months, oops.

I've got 3 (7, 5 and 2 - 2 girls and a boy) and whilst sometimes have pondered the idea of having another and how much I'd love having 4 (I'm 37) I've totally come to terms with having 3 for various reasons including: finances, just couldn't do pregnancy again with 3 very active children, being tied down with the chaos of the first few months and then tied down with baby routine (napping etc) whilst trying to take and collect three others to playgroup, school, after-school stuff etc with no help (husband long hours). I basically don't think I could do it whilst being fair to the others and, like you, I actually want to move on!

Yours are slightly younger so the being tied down thing may not be so much of an issue for you. From what you say, it would be now or never for you? It sounds to me like you're happy with 3 but maybe struggling with the idea of totally giving up the 'baby days' and maybe actually coming to terms with the idea of never being pregnant/feeding again? Maybe by the time your 8m old is a bit bigger, you may find that easier? I definitely toyed with the idea of a 4th when my third was a baby, more so than now she's two. HTH! Good luck with your decision!

sounds like we have v similar situations - I would be exactly where you are if we didn't/couldn't have no 4 for a year and a half! (except a year or two older..) think you have summed it up v well. I know if I wait, I will def not want another, so it has to happen in the next six months I think. So it is crunch time - keep going round in circles!
DH is desperate for no 4, but being v good about it being my decision.

is your little boy no 3? do you ever worry about him being 'left out' with the older two? sorry.

if your husband is all for it, and you say you have the space and presumably you've thought about finances, this is what I have said before to someone who has 2 and is deliberating whether to try for no3 (and I guess it makes no difference with 3 - 4 really!)...... you will never regret having another child (in the long run...!) but you may always quietly regret having never tried. Sorry, that's probably not helpful at all!!

no, i've got girl, boy, girl. But I've seen many big sisters dote on their younger brothers and boys are easier to entertain than girls anyway, ime. I've also seen a couple of people who have 2 boys and a girl go on to try for another girl...who end up having another boy!..

sorry, me again. My older two are thick as thieves and although I think they'll always have a special bond (there's a 20m gap between them but then a bigger gap between them and the third) they are very good at including my 2 year old and being patient and caring. The older she gets, the easier it seems to get too (despite her often wrecking their carefully planned games!).

You have the exact ages of my three and I thought that no 3 would be it for us and I wouldn't feel the need for any more babies but am struggling with wanting another too. I am only 32 so have plenty of time but my dh is sure that he doesn't want anymore and in my head I know I should be looking forward to life getting a bit easier but I just can't bring myself to admit that my baby days are done! If both you and dh feel the same and financially it wouldn't ruin you then go for it ! I think you'd always regret not having another child if the longing is there.

thank you so much - I know ultimately it is up to us alone, but it is great to have impartial advice (my mum and others are desperate for us NOT to have more because they think we are making life too hard for ourselves, but friends are living vicariously and keep encouraging us to have another!) .
Both of you have said about regretting what you don't do, more than what you do... which is kind of how I am feeling. Or rather, what I am worried about feeling.
still, either way, v lucky to have the choice!

PS, financially it would be difficult, but not impossible.

I have 4 and love it. But I knew when we had no3 that I wasn't 'done' and dh must have been the same. No3 was a doddle but No4 did almost break us (difficult pg and he has heart problems) He still might tbh as he is the baby and gets away with murder

Only you can make the call but I don't regret the decision we made.

I am a bit worried about no 4 having any health issues - whether it is selfish to have a fourth when I am an 'elderly' pregnant woman (anyone over 30 apparently?!) and are therefore putting a dc more at risk of health problems. Obviously once he/she was born I would never regret it BadRoly, whatever problems they have, but is it just pushing my luck to have a fourth? My mother thinks so - she will be furious if I have another. I love her and listen to her, but not her decision though...
I tend to think that you roll the dice each time, and weigh up the odds for each individual pregnancy. Just because I have three healthy children doesn't mean that there is more likelihood of the fourth having problems.
But I am 36, plus I have had mcs, and one serious loss at 24 wks when dc2 had issues incompatible with life, so perhaps the odds are higher in my case.
Sorry, thinking things through as I write, hope this makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. I guess statistically the more pregnancies/children you have, the more likely there is to be a problem. But equally, there are so many factors at play that you could just as likely have a 'normal' pregnancy and so on.

We went into dc4 knowing that I had moved up a notch on the age scale (35). We knew at the very first scan there was a problem because the lovely sonography behaved differently. But that's by the by.

I am from a very small family - both parents were only children and I have one sibling. So I love the idea that my children will be part of something bigger (hopefully). The big 2 do fight and squabble most if the time but I would be more surprised if they didn't! I find the dynamics fascinating - dc1 and 4 pair off as do 2 and 3, both a mix if genders! Ideally I would have had dc4 sooner but not by much, 6 mths or so.

If you do go for 4, be prepared for everyone feeling they have the right to comment and wonder how you will cope and do on. So like your mil (I think you said her?) and the increased chances of a problem. I just smile and nod. I can even do a very fake titter when someone says "4? Don't you have a tv?"...

I'm rambling now... I'll go.

I've reread your op again do I'm back I too am a sahm and I do find the novelty has worn off. Youngest starts preschool tomorrow and I am so pleased not to be doing toddler groups anymore They were great and served a purpose and I made some brilliant friends but 11yrs of making small talk with people I only have the age if my child in common with...

Sacrifices - travel lodges etc do not do rooms for 6 so you will always have to do 2 rooms and 2 children each or avoid them.
We have had a couple of super foreign holidays in the last year or so but they were under extenuating circumstances (dying patents wanting a last blast with FC). But we live in Cornwall so why would we need to go on holiday...
Car is a pita - we have a Galaxy and are shortly having my Dad's Espace. But one in the back row greatly reduces boot space making camping etc more difficult.
Most 'family tickets' only cover 2 or 3 children, which is a pita but not the end of the world.

I am struggling to think if more - which is surely a good thing

we live in the same county!

I'll go against the grain and say don't do it. I grew up as 1 of 4, I'm #3. My Dsis says the dynamic of the family and my parents relationship changed when they had my younger brother, things were more strained, she ended up doing a lot of household things because she was the oldest. We only had 2 holidays as a family of 6, when I was 9 and 12. Any other holidays were taken separately, the older 2 with my mum and younger 2 with my dad or individually with 1 child to 1 parent. It wasn't a happy house growing up, lots of rows, not enough money, my sister feeling she had to parent us, me resenting that. I even asked my mum when I was little why I had 4 parents instead of 2 because that's how I saw my older brother and sister. If you can do it without putting expectation on your older kids to take on additional responsibility then I'd say go ahead but friends with 4 that I know do have their eldest doing stuff they probably wouldn't have to had they not had a 4th.

good to have a different perspective. My eldest dd is only five at the moment, were your elder siblings quite a bit older? (elder/older, schmelder, schmolder)

My sister was 7 and my brother 6 when I was born and my little brother came along 2 years after me. When I was in primary school they often cooked our dinner as my dad worked away during the week and my mum started working full time when my brother was 5. My mum wishes that my sister didn't feel she had the obligation to be a parent but I guess it's a common trait of the oldest in the family that they take on responsibility they shouldn't. Yours are younger so perhaps too young to help out at the moment but I guess it's something you'd have to watch as they get older. I used to want 3 but I think now if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'll stop at 2 although DD is only 8 months and periods haven't returned yet so not really an issue for me at the moment

Fhdl - it is interesting what you say. I try very hard not to make the older 2 (now 11 and 9) do chores that are not appropriate but I do know that dd1 does worry about me and gets anxious/home sick on school trips (dh works away Mon-Fri and my Dad recently died). I reassure her that I can cope and I'm happy but don't know how to take away her feelings of responsibility! She is by nature very conscientious... When I do explain why they have chores, I try and stress that we are a team in our family and need to pull together to help each other. But their chores are not based around the younger children as such - sitting recycling, doing dishwasher etc...

can i just stay that statistically you dont increase your chances of something going wrong by having more.

i have 5 and i worried about this a lot with no 4 and no5 but actually i was told that once you have had a number of healhty children if anything your odds of having another successful pregnancy increase!

ultimately it is a roll of the dice every time, some of us (most of us) are lucky, others are not.
i have also had two miscarriages as well. both early tho.

we always planned on four but after no 4 we ummed and ahhed and ended up with no 5 who was a bit of a bonus baby, not planned a such but we didnt try to prevent it really!

anyway i love having a nice brood, there are pros and cons to both. and like you we made sacrifices, had to get a bigger car and no holidays abroad, tho we holiday in the uk every year and also go camping for weekends etc. we are not well off but we are comfortable and happy.

i had 4 boys and then no 5 was a girl, so that was a bit ofa shock, but her brothers dote on her and she is now 21mths and i finally feel life is getting a bit easier. it is hard work, but i wouldnt change it for the world!

i am also combatting broody feelings at the moment, rationally i know NO more, we cant afford it, but my heart aches at times for another one, but i know thats rose tinted glasses! (unless we win the lottery its not happening)

anyway 3-4 was fine ime. but just be sure you want a child, rather than a baby!! and also think how it changes things like extra years on the school run and trying to juggle pre-school and school runs etc.

if you can afford it and you and your dh both want it, then go for it :)

i do as roly does btw, stress the team effort and they are all involved in helping out ie laundry, tidying, washing up, even cooking etc as they get older.

mine are 13, 10, 7, 4 and 21 months :)

5madthings, I actually want the child, not the baby !
Don't mean that entirely of course, but the tiny baby stage is not my favourite. (I get gasps of horror when I say that in baby groups etc...)

PPS am ultra lucky with the school 'run' - nursery / primary school is over the garden wall...

oh well no worries then! my school run is half an hour each way...

ds4 has just started reception and they wanted him to do half days which would have been 3hrs of trapsing backwards and forwards, i said NO and insisted he started full time, if he gets tired i shall give him a day off!

i actually quite like the baby stage, but the reality is that tis bloody hard work! rose tinted glasses make me broody but 5 is enough

I am one of 4, but also the child of two self emplyed parents. Bottom line, mother was exhausted all the time and didn't really have enough time for us, spent alot of time sitting in the car while she was doing errands, or being home alone and no priority was given to each individual child's interest.

Personally I think 4 is too much, probably better if you are an earth mother, but if you want a life beyond your kids then you will be choosing between them, their interests and yours.

You will be ruin ragged with 4.

not ruin ragged, run ragged.