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DD7 - Feeling like a bit of a failure as a parent at the moment....

4 replies

Sugarbeach · 10/09/2012 11:47

Just taken 7 yo DD to her ballet class, where she has been clowning around a lot instead of doing the dance steps....had a quick word with her teacher and she mentioned that she seems not to have the right attitude and self esteem. In the car I spoke with her asking why she was messing, because I believe she could do it if she tries....then she broke down in tears saying what if I can't pass the RAD exam because I can't remember the steps, but you will if you work at it and practice and try, but what if I fail? But you won't fail, because the teacher would not have put you forward if she didn't think you are capable? But I was messing because I can't remember the step, But that's only the first time you were taught those steps...etc..etc.

I've always tried explaining to her that when you learn new things, of course you can't do them at the start....But she seems to have this negative thinking stuck in her head. She seems to not like the idea of exams/tests even though I explain that it's just to show people what you can do and what you've learnt etc.

Help....is this normal behaviour from DD? I feel that now that we've started Yr 3, the pace and tempo of education is very different and more serious/formal....I worry about how she will handle all the very tests coming her way in the future if this is a sign of things....Just to add that she is a very capable and sociable child at school, progressing well and currently not struggling with any particular subject, so she shouldn't have reasons to doubt her abilities.

Are there any good parenting books I should be reading? What do I say or NOT say to help her be more positive? Is she feeling the pressure too much already? Is this not normal pressures every child faces sooner or later, be it tests at school, music or ballet exams?

I find parenting changes so much as the child grows and develops and I feel as if I'm suddenly in a new unknown territory which I'm not sure how to deal with....does anyone else feel this way?

TIA for reading my random rambles...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 10/09/2012 12:41

Am sure someone wise will come along in a minute, don't want you to think nobody's reading...

I know that some children who are used to coping fine when they're good at stuff. don't always have the maturity to handle it when they can't manage something. Does she fret if she loses a game or be disproportionately upset if she's out-performed by others?

Sugarbeach · 10/09/2012 13:05

Thanks Donkey....she doesn't like losing when we play games, she used to get really upset and cries and doesn't want to play anymore, in fact she still looses ungracefully....in fact, sort of puts her off wanting to play altogether....so a lot of the time we have to let her have a go at winning. I'm hoping she will learn to handle losing with time....is that a developmental thing?

At school, she doesn't have an issue with other people being top of the class, she just happily accepts that.

I wonder if there is a perfectionist trait leading to subconsciouos a fear of failure.....I don't know, I could be talking myself into a negative spiral here....Some one wise need to advise me what practical things I can do or say. Or I need someone to empathise and share really .....

OP posts:
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 10/09/2012 13:31

Okay then, bear with me, to quote the tagline of a soft drink ad, if your DD fails at something/messes up, "What's the worst that could happen?"

I wouldn't say a 7 year old is over-burdened with a perfectionist trait. Sorry I can't recommend any books off the top of my head, but, and maybe this is simplifying things too much, perhaps if she learns through playing in a relaxed atmosphere that nice as it is to win, if she doesn't you won't love her any less and she can always try again, she'll get used to coping.

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purplehouse · 10/09/2012 13:35

I always teach my DCs that practice makes perfect. If they can't do something, they should try again. Also, agree that you tell her that the teacher thinks that she will pass but in the event she fails, nothing bad will happen to anyone, you will still love her just the same and she can try again if she wants.

I remember it being said to me as a child, the only reason I will be cross with you is if you don't try your best.

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