WWYD - No one understand how I feel about another baby

[heartorhead]

Nobody answered this in WWYD so posting here - If you think it would be better elsewhere then I will have it moved.

I am doing a three year full time course. It comes with a small grant and maternity leave. Prior to doing this degree I worked on and off self employed since i got my first degree. The degree is to enable me to do the same work I used to but with a better qualification.

I started this degree when my first child was 8 months old. Our child was sadly not born healthy, spending a great deal of the early weeks and months in ICU and hospital and we had a routine of appointments, therapy and general 'not the normal' parenting until he turned two (a few months ago) whereupon it has eased but the long term future impacts are not known.

I am desperate to enjoy another pregnancy and give birth and raise a healthy baby, I think about another bump and baby, as well as my children interacting pretty much every hour of every day. I have had counselling to get past this issue to enable me to continue with my course. It has helped but I find being around pregnant women and new babies quite hard.

At the beginning of last week I was informed my teaching mentor is pregnant and will be absent the entire final year of my course. I am so happy for her I truly am but the thought of working with a blooming bump makes me well up.

If I were to fall pregnant in this cycle I would be due late May or early June, I would take 6 months off and return when my mentor does to finish the last six months of my course.

WWYD?

Money is not (luckily) an issue as my DH has a good secure well paid job - my money goes on childcare.

what's stopping you???? grab DH and get started
seriously, though, I was pregnant throughout my PGCE, and got a teaching job 6 months after the birth. You CAN juggle studies and childbearing.

I fought really hard to get on this course and up until now I was feeling I should be loyal to it.

But the thought of a baby that is all ours, that we can take home and not have to leave covered in wires everynight just keeps coming back to remind me about what i want (what I really really want ;-))

thanks for your reply

I don't understand the question: are you suggesting getting pregnant so as to avoid seeing your tutor pregnant?

If you and DH both want another child and you feel the time is right for you and your family, then go for it! But though I get that it is hard to see other people pregnant, I don't think this should come into it.

no no no fluffyanimal I want another child for our family

The back story is to explain why i want another so much

The reason i mention my mentor is pg is because as she is away all next year then it won't make that much difference if I am too IFSWIM

it will be very hard as well being around her (and some other staff as well) but I just have to deal with that -> though being pg would take my mind off their bumps a bit

But if your teaching mentor's going to be on maternity leave anyway why on earth should you be loyal to the course?! Especially if it offers you mat. rights - what luxury! I'd just get on with it if I were you...or are there concerns that your child's health condition might run in the family? I can understand why you and/or DH might be nervous, you must have had such a scary time. Good luck, whatever you decide.

natashabee yes it would be better to work with her, she is very kind and nice and good at her job and would really help at teh end when I have to do all my summarising etc - so to be finishing when she is back would be better than finishing when she is away.

and the course does come with six months to a year of maternity, plus my DC would be eligible for free nursery credits as well so that would ease the money issue.

no DCs problems were extremely rare and not at all likely to happen in another pg

Oh that's good to know. Sounds like you should go for it then!

Hi heartorhead

You say the thought of a baby that is all ours, that we can take home and not have to leave covered in wires everynight just keeps coming back to remind me about what i want (what I really really want ;-))

What would you do if the new child also isn't healthy when they are born? How would you cope with that?
Are you sure you're not trying to "undue" what happened to you, your DH and your DC in some way by "redoing" your pregnancy?

I think a DC2 is great as long as your prepared to accept that DC2 also may not be healthy.
I don't mean to be nasty and I hope it hasn't come across like that. It's just that some of reasoning doesn't seem very logical.

*"some of your reasoning".
Sorry!

If you want to ttc then do. I intentionally fell pregnant with dc1 in the final year of my course and still successfully completed it and started work once ML was over.

However, I am in a similar boat to you and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that getting pregnant again will not necessarily bring me what I desperately want, which is a full term, healthy baby. I know that feeling of being desperate to be pregnant again to sort of "make things right" for want of a better phrase. It is partly a feeling of being cheated. Obviously I don't know your situation and I don't mean to be negative. I think that you should absolutely do what you need to do and sod the timing.

If you don't feel like this is the right time to ttc could you just ask for a different tutor to get you through the course?

finish the course then crack on with baby making

I have a very good idea now of what it feels like to have a child expected to be born healthy - passing all the scans and then being critically ill within hours of birth. The answer is that you cope. Because you have to.

Last time I didn't have any in depth tests but this time I will have a lot more monitoring and I will take any decisions based on the results of those tests.

There is no reason at this stage why DC2 should not be healthy. I am not trying to have another go at a perfect DC1 because he is perfect as he is, I do however want a chance to experience parenting a child who does not have those health complications and every dr he has seen has said there is no reason why I would have any issues with another pregnancy.

I have totally come to terms with the next baby being wanted to extend our family not as a chance to set the record straight. When he was born then I wanted another baby straight away and the reason then was completely to set the record straight but now i am positive it isn't

Have you had any counselling to help you deal with what's happened to DC1?
It sounds as though you're looking for DC2 to be a sticking plaster baby
I'm sorry if its just coming across wrongly, but it sounds as though you'd be sidelining DC1 for a new 'perfect' child...

sidelining DC1 for a new perfect child

might just be the most offensive thing i have EVER EVER had anyone say to me

bintang. The OP HAS had counselling as she mentioned in her original post.
I think you've jumped a little too far in your conclusions to say that she'd be side lining DC1

heartorhead You've obviously thought long and hard about this. What does your OP think?

Personally I think that if you are happy, your OP is happy and you feel you could manage no matter what is thrown at you then go for it. Timing will never be 100% right for any of us, there will always be something that is out of kilter.

SORRY
Meant to write You've obviously thought long and hard about this. What does your DH think?

Personally I think that if you are happy, your DH is happy and you feel you could manage no matter what is thrown at you then go for it. Timing will never be 100% right for any of us, there will always be something that is out of kilter.

DH not OP!!

takingthestairs my DH would like a smaller age gap that than we would have if I finished the course first, he has been upset sometimes after holding other people babies when he realises how much we missed out on

but he says that teh decision is mine, agrees it would be quite healing however

Well, if you're happy and he's happy and you can rely on each other no matter what gets thrown at you...if it were me I'd go for it.

But, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I would continue counselling as the experience you had with your DC1 was obviously very traumatic for you and you are clearly still feeling the effect of that. And I would say that to you whether you TTC or not. xx

A few things that I considered. I have another 30yrs to work and study I only have 6yrs till I'm 40. We will never be rich. The time will never be right. Our house will never be big enough.

After you've finished your course you've still got the issue of putting it into practice, getting experience or in your case clients and contracts. Their is no perfect. It's always going to be hard it's just can you cope with baby, dc1 and homework? If yes, but it will be tricky do it. If its a complete no no then you'll have to prioritise your course or your family for the next few years.

I would rather look back when I'm an old lady and be proud of my babies and family than wonder should I have had another baby

I have another 30yrs to work and study I only have 6yrs till I'm 40

Yup. Me too. Our house is perfect if in need of a little redecoration, the garden is made for children (i.e. its overgrown and forest like in places) and although we will never be rich I never wanted to be.

Thank you cupcake

I'm half way through a 1 year masters course. I'm also lying on my need next to my sleeping baby son as all my classmates graduate. Some of the younger ones area bit puzzled by this, but the staff were all positive and helpful.

There will never be a convenient time to have a baby, so if you're ready don't wait because of 'loyalties'

Obviously lying on a bed.