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Not sure how to feel about this - need some views to decide if IABU, but don't want a bun fight!

7 replies

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 06/09/2012 00:06

My DD is 7, and IMO a 'young' 7. She's still pretty innocent and got her head in the clouds most of the time. She is bright and curious and keeps me on my toes. Me and her dad split just before she turned 3, and while he's not what you could call a model dad, he loves DD, she loves him, and when they spend time together, they both enjoy it.

Me and ex don't see eye to eye on parenting - we both have very different views and past experience and this is something that has caused niggles between us in the past. I usually get my point across and eventually ex does see where I'm coming from so, although he pushes the limits at times, overall I've not had too many worries ignoring the fact he let DD watch family guy when she was 5.

Now, over the recent past, probably about 6/8 months, DD has been very curious about babies, how you get a baby, how it's born etc. I've tried to keep things basic, and age appropriate, and I felt, succeeded in getting the right amount of information across to satisfy DD's curiosity but not too much, or graphic as I felt DD wasn't really old enough for that. I thought my ex agreed with me. I showed him a couple of books I'd bought to help DD understand the basics, and he found them highly amusing. I thought no more on the issue.

DD has made a few comments recently that she doesn't want to have a baby. Not really something to worry about in itself but as this was a change in that she had previously been very keen that she would have a baby (not now but she's no concept of time/how old she would need to be to even think about all that stuff) I've been wondering what has prompted the change of opinion. I don't agree or disagree, as with most ideas she comes up with, so not encouraging these thoughts, but not really discouraging them, just listening as she tries to figure this stuff out, and correcting where it's needed iyswim.

Anyway, to the point! DD has completely changed her views on future parenthood, as a result of ex letting her watch footage of an actual birth. Seems it's some science programme all about birth but from what I can gather, it was as graphic as you would expect given her description of it. I'm just not comfortable with the fact ex has let DD watch this. I don't think it's necessary for her to know that much or see it as graphic. I think the thing that is bothering me most is that she seems really upset/disturbed by what she's seen, and keeps talking about how she doesn't want to have a baby because it's painful. On the one hand, the fear of childbirth could save me a lot of worry through her teenage years if she's that scarred by what she's seen, she'll never let a boy near her but on the other, I just don't think the level of information, and the graphic nature of what she's been show, is appropriate at all. Obviously I can't do anything about it now, but I just don't know if I'm being a bit PFB over this, or if ex has taken the subject of babies and the level of information/knowledge just too far for our DD.

So, are my feelings here off, or is showing a 'young' 7 yr old graphic warts-and-all footage of a live birth just too much, too young?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
SapphireandFevertree · 06/09/2012 00:31

My feeling would be that 7 is too young to watch a birth and that it would be traumatic. She's to young to really understand what's going on. I've had this discussion with midwives re children of this age being present as their mother gives birth (obviously very different from watching a stranger) and they felt that the experience would be distressing at best.
Having said that a friend of mine had a home birth with her 4yoDS present and he's fine.
But you can't get her to "unsee" it so I guess at this point I'd just be honest about labour (positively). What possessed him to show her the video?

omfgkillmenow · 06/09/2012 00:36

I think my dd2 (8) would be a bit grossed out and I know for sure that my dd1(16) would be put off for life. I would just drop the issue the now by using diversion tactics when she brings it up and focus on something else then have another chat prior to menstruating.

Lolwhut · 06/09/2012 00:42

I think it would put most people, let alone DC's, off having babies TBH!

I am not sure about this one. I would want to see the actual footage, it may not have been that gory. I suppose (hope) your DH has your DD best interests at heart and thought he was showing her something that was informative.

Your reaction will also have a big influence on your DD. I hope you were not obviously shocked when she told you.

I think a lot of DD don't want to have DC's when they themselves are kids. I know I didn't, the whole idea sounded revolting Confused I wouldn't worry about that side of it. If she says she doesn't want DC's because it looks too painful I would tell her that it is not always painful and that she doesn't have to have DC's if she doesn't want them but that she has years and years before she needs to decide.

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PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 06/09/2012 00:45

It's probably a long, convoluted, answer as to why he showed her the video. Mainly down to our differing parenting 'styles'. He lost his mum at 7, and was left to his own devices so brought himself up i.e. had no real parenting guidance and a pretty feckless older sister who let him watch loads of inappropriate stuff way beyond his years. And of course this 'didn't do him any harm' is the stock reply I get whenever he's done something that's made me go 'WTF?'. He is very 'matter of fact' when it comes to things like biology/reproduction and I've had to stop him giving her too much info in the past as I was trying to keep it age appropriate and basic as that's all she needed to know for now. I'm more of a 'answer the question when asked' sort of parent, but in an aged appropriate way. I don't believe in introducing stuff to DD, but let her ask about something that she comes across/experiences/hears about, and take it from there. He's been 'introducing' stuff to her for as long as she's been walking/talking that is so inappropriate, but needed to have it spelled out to him why it's not appropriate to let a 2 yr old watch Dr Who etc. I think I'm more annoyed at him as he didn't say he was going to let her see it, didn't tell me what they had watched, and i've only just put 2 + 2 together and figured out what he's let her watch (he's mentioned it before and I've said, no she's too young).

I'll just have to try and soften the blow a little for her. She just seemed really upset earlier by it. And I didn't know if I was just being a little bit PFB or if I should really say something about his 'science videos'.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 06/09/2012 00:54

We got shown a warts and all birth video in year3, i was 7 and i'm okay. It was probably too young but don't worry, she will be fine Smile
You and her dad obviously have different styles of parenting, as you said, this is the issue. Not really sure what to suggest, sorry just wanted to say not to worry about your DD. Maybe tell her that it is painful but less so the older she gets Wink

ZuleikaD · 06/09/2012 15:11

I think it was totally inappropriate, but as another poster said, it can't be unwatched now. I think you need to get it across to your ex that showing your DD people in great pain, or very angry, or very upset - all extremes of emotion, basically - can be extremely traumatising for a small child. They don't process these extreme images well (or at all) and it can have long term repercussions if it's repeated. Did the video he showed her include the post-birth mother and baby, smiling and happy? If not then it would be worth trying to find some footage yourself of happy mothers with newborns to show that it's all worth it!

Fairylea · 07/09/2012 10:58

Hmm. I don't think its the end of the world but I think its best if you discuss things in depth with her now and explain all the ins and outs.

I took the opposite approach with my dd and from about 5 she knew about sex to make babies, babies coming out of the vagina and all sorts. She is now 9 and has a 12 week old brother and when she was 8 and I was pregnant I let her watch some (carefully selected) episodes of one born eevery minute ... She loved it and now wants to be a midwife!! (I had an elective c section with ds and it started off me finding c section videos on yu tube as she was curious how it all worked)!!!

I think all these things are a lot to do with how we as parents respond and react.

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