My three year old has me on the brink of sanity

[rubberglove]

My dd was such an easy, placid baby. But since turning three, she has been increasingly difficult.

She is bright, loving and good fun but I am so worn down with the other side. The screaming, hitting me, calling me 'an idiot', fighting with her brother, terrible table behaviour and scowling at me with her hand on her hip declaring 'no!' to even the most reasonable of requests.

It wasn't like this with my eldest. I am trying the naughty step but increasingly lose it and even feel violent. I have never smacked but boy do I feel like it.

How do I deal with this?

If you can't keep calm, you need to remove yourself straightaway rubber, especially if you feel violent. Have you thought of phoning Parentline?

As for her behaviour, you need to be consistent. If she calls you an idiot, or anyone else, she needs warning and then something like the naughty step if she does it again. Hitting isn't acceptable too and the same should happen.

As for fighting with her brother, is he older? Does he wind her up? My DS is older and is very quick to shout if he gets hit but not so keen to confess that he's just spent the last 15 mins taunting her.

If you think a book might help you, have a look at this one by Dr Tanya Byron, she is trained and is a mother, unlike many other parenting gurus .

Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on .

Could I suggest nursery for a few days a week?

It would give you a break,give her some external stimulus and a bit of organised peer pressure to behave.

Take her to the park, sit and read a magazine while she tires herself out on the climbing frame and swings, it will give you some fresh air and hopefully a chance to read or chill out a bit.

Thanks for replies. She goes to playgroup three mornings but is so difficult afterwards that by the time I have done the school run and dealt with after school grumpiness, tea, homework etc I am still knackered.

My dh is great but typically thinks butter wouldn't melt and doesn't see the worst. She is great, very cute, a real character!

But yes I need to start being consistent and keep calm. I am shouting too much and whilst I am sure I wouldn't actually hit or smack, I have grabbed her arm or put her on the naughty step a bit roughly. God parenting is so hard

It is hard, and I do get shouty especially when I'm premenstral but it is when I'm being shouty and loosing it that the children behave the worst!

Can you fit any me time into the day, perhaps when she's at playgroup? Maybe a yoga or pilates session might help or even a coffee with friends?

If you have a look around the landscape of the Brink of Sanity, I think you will find it is mainly populated by parents of 3-year olds. Basically, this is a very, very trying age. It gets better!

I used to spend a lot of time at this stage making up cups of tea that I didn't want just to have an excuse to remove myself from the fray, and singing loudly to myself to blank out my feelings of complete and unreasoning fury. It worked, too.

I feel your pain.

Don't worry, only another fifteen years to go before they leave home.

Well, why does she even know words like 'idiot' at 3 years old?

My DD is occasionally similar to yours, but I've really found that her behaviour is really a response to how I treat her. When I'm busy, she'll eventually stop cooperating so that she makes sure she gets my attention one way or another.

Her behaviour is 'best' when I keep her informed of what our plans for the day/the next hour/morning/afternoon/bedtime are, I assume it makes her feel safe and in control. I found mornings really difficult because she never wanted to get dressed/brush teeth/ put shoes on etc, so I involved her in making a poster with a photo of her at each stage so now she can check the poster to see what she's supposed to do next.

I don't do timeouts, seems to me to be a power struggle just for the sake of power. I'm of the 'cuddles and reassurance/validating feelings during tantrums' school of thought, and it usually works.

Unbridled, assuming that the dd lives surrounded by people of different ages and not in a protected bubble, surely there are hundreds of perfectly innocent ways in which she could know the word "idiot"? Most likely she has heard it from an older child or a teenager. I knew all sorts of things when I was three, because my world was not confined to my (very well spoken) parents. Eventually, I was trained out of displaying all my knowledge.

I taught it to her, repeat after me 'idiot,idiot,idiot...'i