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Parenting

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Original poster

I am so anxious about having a daughter - please don´t judge me

18 replies

peterpie · 04/09/2012 22:36

I am Mum to two lovely boys 3 and 5 and I am expecting my third in a few months time. I convinced myself it would be another boy and was surprised to be told girl, I actually cried when I got back home. I realise now that it´s 50/50 and that I was just being stupid in my thinking.
Anyway, I have a very complex and difficult relationship with my own mother that stems back many years and I am terrified that history will repeat itself. This sort of thing never even crossed my mind when I was pregnant with my boys but unfortunately it has become a major concern this time round and the closer I get to the due date, the more my anxiety is growing. It´s not something I feel I can talk about in RL and if I told my husband I know he would think I was off my rocker.
I seem to have formed a negative idea of what daughters are like and all I can see are difficulties. Much as I want to stop I can´t help but focus on the "difficulties" and how it seems inevitable that we won´t get along

What can I do to break this cycle...? Has anybody else ever had similar thoughts?

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hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/09/2012 22:42

I recognise those feelings totally but you can break the cycle. I did. Knowing about it helped me. I knew the things I didn't want to repeat so was able to work at not doing them. I also sought counselling to help me work through the issues. My dd is now 22 and we have a fantastic, healthy relationship. For me, knowledge was strength.

tabulahrasa · 04/09/2012 22:44

It's a baby - the only difference between boys and girls is that girls can't pee on your face when you're doing nappy changes.

By the time there is a difference - it's nothing to do with gender and exactly the same as the ways in which your sons are different to each other.

1sassylassy · 04/09/2012 22:48

I had an awful relationship with my mother and cut all ties at the age of 19,I have never looked back and whilst I can say I have missed having a mother ,I havent missed her if you get what I mean.
I had a dd after 3ds,s and I was determined that I would never treat her as my mother treated me,and whilst we have disagreements,we are very close and I am very proud of her.I get where your coming from but would it help to think that not all mother daughter relationships are toxic and try to think of the positive things your dd will bring to your life.

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BettySuarez · 04/09/2012 22:49

I felt the same way when told I was expecting twin girls. Similar fears re childhood, particularly with regards to my dad and his very low opinion of women.

I need not have feared however, if anything, my upbringing made me a stronger person and I have raised two beautiful, strong minded daughters who I love and admire so much.

TherapeuticVino · 04/09/2012 22:55

I was terrified of having a girl - had a crap relationship with my mother who had a crap relationship with hers...I actually went to a few counselling sessions where I got to the point where I felt sorry for her - she missed out on enjoying having a daughter.

I have 2 DDs and have totally broken the cycle - they are honestly my whole world and we are very close.

Good luck and enjoy :)

Original poster

peterpie · 04/09/2012 23:03

Thanks for the replies

hellhasnofury - thank you for sharing your positive experience with your DD. I agree that knowing what you don´t want to be repeated is the first step and I am well aware of what that is, the list is very long!

tabulahrasa - I feel stupid admitting that I haven´t been thinking of it in that way, thanks for pointing out that by the time there is a difference it`s nothing to do with gender. Yes! It´s as though I have developed an unbalanced view of boys and girls, you are right when you say "it´s just a baby", I have to keep reminding myself of that.

1sassylassy - it´s reassuring to know that you are very close to your own daughter after your own awful relationship and yes I have friends who have fantastic realtionships with their mothers so I must remind myself that they arent all toxic. I seem to forget this and just focus on the negative. Its those very friends though that were so happy to have their own DDs because they get along so well with their Mums. Then I start to worry again

OP posts:

greenbananas · 05/09/2012 07:02

You are not your mother and your daughter is not you You will probably be a very different kind of parent, and she will have her own personality which will create a completely different dynamic between you.

I do find myself using phrases and parenting tactics that my mother used (she was lovely, but a very strong and almost overpowering personality); however, I am very aware of this, and able to stop myself when necessary. Given your circumstances, you will be so aware of your own tactics. This may even make you a stronger, more thoughtful and better parent then you would have been if you were just blindly following what your own mother did.

Pomtastic · 05/09/2012 12:56

I felt very similarly when I found out DD was a girl.

I perceived my mother's relationship with me as distant and cold when growing up (though we're much closer as adults) & was so, so scared of replicating that.

So far though (DD's only 6 months!) my DD has very strong feelings on the matter - she wants to be physically/emotionally close to me, & only me, all the time, and will NOT take no for an answer! Although that's sometimes frustrating, I've found it really cathartic to parent DD in the way I wanted to be parented, IYSWIM.

valiumredhead · 05/09/2012 13:02

History will NOT repeat itself just because you have a girl, it hasn't done with your boys, has it? You are having another baby which happens to be a girl :)

Original poster

peterpie · 05/09/2012 21:36

A big thanks again for all the repiles and for being so understanding and positive. And it is a great help to know I am not the only one who has/has had these feelings.

valiumredhead - History will NOT repeat itself just because you have a girl, it hasn't done with your boys, has it? A fantastic point which I haven´t even considered I have been so wrapped it with the it´s a girl thing - I have to remind myself it´s a baby I am having - thank you!

Pomtastic - I know exactly what you mean when you talk about parenting your DD in the way you wanted to be parented. Being able to do just that has got to be a good thing, actually a great thing and I have to start thinking of that rather than all these negatives I have going round in my head.

greenbananas - yes, I am not my mother and my daughter won´t be me. I feel silly saying so but I feel that my boys won´t be like me but a girl would...now I have written that down I know it is complete rubbish and makes me sound like a loon. My feelings are irrational. Even so I think my fear is I will inevitably turn into my mother, well not literally that is but start to replicate her behaviour as it is what I am used to, if that makes sense

I am so glad I started this thread - all your replies are of great help

OP posts:

MoelFammau · 06/09/2012 03:08

I had a truly shite childhood thanks to a toxic mother (emotional abuse, violence etc) but when I fell pregnant I actually welcomed having a daughter as I saw it as a way to undo some of the hurt. I sometimes hug my daughter and imagine her as myself at her age - only fleetingly but it crosses my mind. And I feel better when that happens, as if I'm reaching out to myself as a very small girl and saying it'll be okay.

Hope I don't sound nuts. Childhood abuse is a terrible thing to get over.

Good luck!

greenbananas · 06/09/2012 19:39

peterpie, you do NOT sound like a loon! I think we all worry about turning into our mothers (even if they were lovely!) but it is certainly not inevitable that we do so.

I think it's amazing that you are thinking about this so hard. It means that you are highly unlikely to replicate your mum's behaviour. Like I said earlier, you will be a better parent than many just because you are so self-aware and so determined to do the best for your children.

After I replied before, I started thinking about a friend of mine, who had a horrible childhood leading to anorexia which nearly killed her. She is now the most wonderful mother to her three gorgeous children, who are some of the most well-adjusted kids I have ever met (and I have been working with children for over a decade now so I have met a fair few). I really aspire to be like this friend, and have asked for her parenting advice on many occasions. She has broken the cycle of illiteracy and neglect in her family - her children are all achieving well, and they are secure and happy. I seriously admire her strength, but I also know that she is as human as the rest of us.

I'm glad you've been feeling more positive - long may it continue!!

greenbananas · 06/09/2012 19:43

Just had another thought... you said "I feel that my boys won´t be like me but a girl would..." Are you still blaming yourself for your bad relationship with your mother?

When you were a child, your relationship with your mother was not your fault !!! You were a child and she was the adult. It was not your responsiblity to make up for any shortcoming in her parenting.

You are going to be fab. Please don't worry.

wigglesrock · 06/09/2012 20:16

I have 3 daughters and a very fractious relationship with my Mum. Its better now than it was for my childhood, teens, twenties etc. Tbh when my first daughter was born I was really aware of breaking the cycle of shite, my Mum also has a toxic relationship with her Mum and so on back as far as the dinosaurs.

It was different, I'm sorry I can't think of a better way of saying it, I'm not my Mum, I'm aware of how her behaviour affected me and I will never do it to a living being. My 3 daughters are fantastic (they are between 7 years and 18 months) and I relish watching them grow up - confident, happy, secure and loved - thats the greatest thing I can do for them.

Please don't worry or panic xx

eversomuch · 06/09/2012 21:24

I also had a difficult relationship with my mother and was worried about history repeating itself if I were to have a girl. When I found out I was indeed expecting one, I remained worried for a while ... until I finally realised after how many years of anxiety? that I am not my mother and my life and situation and attitude and everything are so different from her life and the circumstances that existed when I was growing up.

By the time DD was born, I was really excited to be having a girl. I LOVE having a daughter and I think I'm actually managing to do a pretty decent job so far.

Now I'm expecting DC2 and it's a boy and I'm wondering what on earth I'm supposed to do with a boy as I'm so used to having a girl, LOL.

I hope you'll find a way to get past the bad history that haunts you and see your relationship with your daughter as a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

lovechoc · 09/09/2012 11:36

This is the reason I've stopped at two (boys) - would dread to think how I'd cope with raising a girl (having a not very good relationship with DM).

matana · 10/09/2012 15:21

Felt this way when i was pregnant (though at the time didn't know what i was having). Dreaded having a boy and even dreamed i was disappointed when i gave birth to a boy. It played on my mind for ages. DS is now 21 mo and i can honestly say i don't know what i was worried about. I wouldn't have it any other way. What i did to help when i was pregnant was lay out a little sleepsuit in the cot like there was a little baby lying there. It brought it home that, whatever the flavour, you couldn't help but love something that tiny and helpless. How lucky you are to experience both!

Lunarskybox · 07/01/2025 23:10

Hi there - I came across this thread when essentially googling your question in this post. I am in this boat now and feel exactly as you described. So, out of curiosity, how has it been? And also out of interest, how does she get on with your sons. I feel like having a girl will be loaded with issues. And this is as much about remembering what me and my friends were like as anything else. Boys are straightforward! Thank you

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