Anxious about leaving DD with MIL

[Feedthebirds]

Id be grateful for opinions on this. Its a bit of an AIBU i suppose...

DH and i were staying over for the second time with my MIL at the weekend. I have had serious reservations about MIL in past but she does seem quite good with 3 month old DD.

My DH gave DD to her in the morning to keep amused while he and I were packing. When I joined her downstairs she told me that she had taken DD next door to meet neighbour who had given a present when she was born.

MIL is due to babysit for the evening this weekend for the first time and I am now feeling even more anxious than before, worried she might take things into her own hands again, I suppose.

Thinking about either taking it up directly with her, or asking DH to do so.

Thank you - this has been really helpful. Sense of perspective reintroduced

I think what your feeling is normal feedthebirds, I know that's just how I will feel. Don't beat yourself up, your mil sounds lovely, why don't you have a chat about how you feel?
You know like 'I think I'm being really silly and I don't want to upset or offend you but... Can you put my mind at rest please, because I do deep down really trut you with her, did you have worries like that as a new parent'

I recently stayed at my mils for the weekend and we planned to leave 8 month old ds and go on a night out (didn't happen as ds was poorly)

He had a lovely time though spending time with his grandma who he doesn't see often. I had to make a concious effort though to bite my tongue and just leave them to it. We went out to shops and left him a couple of times. It is different to me than leaving him with my mum but I have to remember he is as much my mil's grandson as he is my mums.

My worry was my ds would wake in the night and freak out when mil went in to get him as he is used to me and dp. I wouldn't worry as much if it was my mum as she looks and sounds very similar to me so would seem more familiar to him. That might be total rubbish but it makes sense to me!

I agree with Pickles

It's hard with a newborn, especially if, like me, you like quite a bit of control over what you do. With a newborn you are handing over control to your baby - you baby decides when s/he needs feeding/changing/sleeping etc. and you adapt your day around your baby.

So add yet another element you can't control (i.e. what someone will do when you're not there) and I can understand being a bit anxious about it.

Having said that, talk to your MIL. Tell her you feel anxious even though there's no real reason to be anxious.

My MIL was fairly hands "off" with DS when he was a baby. Even though she was so excited to see him each time she waited until we gave him to her instead of taking him off us etc. and if he cried she asked if she could pick him up. At first I didn't realise why, but now I see she was being really respectful to us and what we wanted. She allowed us to set the rhythm. I feel very lucky.

I was the exact same with my DD1 in almost an identical situation. Looking back I can see now that my reaction was OTT, but the thing is, it's your first born, you're 'irrational' when it comes to them and where they go, who holds them. Perfectly natural and it does get easier. Honest! Now my dd1 (nearly 3)?stays with them for the odd night and has a ball and that's the most important thing.

Having said all that, I've just had dd2 (10 weeks) and I can the same twinges I did when mil reaches out for her and goes on about how she needs winded, must have a sore tummy, hasn't fit enough clothes on etc etc. easier this time as I recognise why I feel that I want to he onto her and not let her out my sight etc. But I know this will pass and is no doubt a mother/baby bond still raging with hormones!

Ignore the harsh responses and just go with the flow. It's perfectly natural! Congrats to you too by the way

Apols for typos. Hope it makes sense!

I related to your anxiousness. When my DC was that small, I knew my MIL didn't agree with all of our decisions and I thought that if I left her alone with DC, she was going to feed DC baby rice and rush to get her baptized in the Catholic church so that DC would get into the right primary school! Honestly, part of it was me finding my footing a a parent without getting lots of MIL input and figuring out how to establish new but reasonable parent/gp boundaries. It's so much easier now that DC is a toddler. They have a wonderful relationship and I'm really grateful that DC has MILs love, attention and interest, and also happy to leave them to their time together. But it definitely took a little while to establish that trust.

I hope that helps.

I can totally relate to your feelings of anxiety. I remember being pressured into allowing my then 3 week old dd1 to be taken for a walk by my MIL. She brought her back half an hour later than I had asked her too, and had taken her round to everyone she knew on the way back to mine. When she got back she said "We all tried, but none of us could wake her up."

It seems really silly now, but I can remember at the time that I virtually snatched her back from my MIL and felt like I had allowed her to be harmed by letting her out of my sight. I did not want her to be treated like a little dolly and passed around to random's houses without me. It still winds me up a little bit now tbh!!! Your feelings are perfectly normal for a new mum, but you will feel them less and less powerfully as your baby grows more robust and vocal.

As for my MIL - she is still cavalier with my two! I often get home from work to find them crawling along the kitchen worktops. But now they are 7 and 6 I can get them to pass on the 'mummy says we are not allowed to do that' message on my behalf!!

I totally understand. I would have been irritated if my mother in law had taken my new born out of the house without asking me first. If that makes me overprotective then I guess that's an understandable state of mind for someone who has a new baby.

Your baby will be fine and it's important to let your mother in law bond with your new born - it must be lovely to be a proud granny, your little one will be doted on and it will all seem like nothing after the event.

Feedthebird your feelings are completely valid. I'm exactly the same with my little one and she's now 15 months. I haven't found a way to get rid of these over protective feelings so I can't really offer any advice. Nor could I stop the inlaws taking over.

I think I understand where you are coming from. You are being unreasonable towards your MIL, and it is completely irrational, but I understand it because I felt it too. I think with MIL's there is a - in some women - a tiny irrational fear that they are going to try and raise your baby their way or 'take over'. You don't feel it with your own mum, because your own mum raised you and therefore loves you because you are her baby as much as she loves your baby. With your MIL it feels different. You cant trust her like you would your own mum and you cant explain why. In the end, if you are not careful you can end up treating her unfairly. My own MIL is lovely, but very opinionated and often gives out a lot of advice. It annoys me no end, but my own mum does the same and it doesn't! I think I have always felt a little like MIL likes me, but I will always be the women who took her PFB away. Now that DD is here I sometimes feel like MIL would love it if, on visits, it was just hubby and DD. She has to hold back a little more around my DD because I am not her daughter, whereas with her daughter's child she does as she pleases because she feels she can. An example would be if my niece throws a tantrum and my SIL is trying to settle her, MIL will go over and pick up my niece and distract her. If it was my DD she wouldn't because she wouldnt feel as though she could (I'm glad because I would hate it and feel undermined). When I am not there, however, if DD kicks off she will happily take her away from her dad.

I have found that on the few occasions I have left her with MIL writing a list of my DD's routines and complete 'no,no's' has made me feel better. Don't get me wrong, my in-laws light-heartedly poke fun at me, but I feel better knowing that they will follow my list. Now that my DD is older (13 months) I tend to try and allow MIL a 'mummy free' visit every now and then. I know that everything my MIL does comes from a place of love, and sometimes it is nice for her to have some time being a grandma without feeling like I am watching. Plus, it also helps me to battle my PFB neurosis! Go at your own pace, allow your MIL to watch your child when you are ready. Pick your battles, allow grandma to spoil her, but do not feel bad about insisting certain things are done your way. Above all, remember that hormones account for 90% of the irrational worries you have in the first year; they will level out!

Good post Mamabear, I think you're right about the difference between your own mother and your MiL (in most cases, always an exception!)

She should have asked you absolutely, did you just come downstairs and her and baby not there?

I consider myself a laid back, chilled out type of parent and certainly didn't get myself wound up and anxious about many things when DD was this age (now 20mo)

But, I completely get where you are coming from, the one thing I was never great at was leaving her - so I simply didn't really, she'd stay with DH obviously and I'd leave her with my sister and family but this was for a few hours maximum I guess as someone says, why is it you are planning on leaving her with MIL ? Will she be asleep ?

It does sound like your MIL was a bit inconsiderate leaving the house with her without letting you know - but it doesn't sound like it was malicious or thoughtless, more like over excited and thought ohh the neighbours are in I'll pop in.

Sounds like you just need to have a wee chat with MIL and perhaps sort of joke a bit about it, sort of 'I know I'm worrying, over anxious etc etc' but just got a shock when you popped out with X. Other than that I guess as other's say, you should be really, really grateful you have willing help on hand and what sounds like a loving grandmother - try focus on all the positives it will bring to your child and all the benefits it has to you, she says speaking from experience with no grandparents local to benefit from helping hands and babysitting, I'd happily swap!

Good luck, it will be fine.

Cross posted, but think MamaBear sums up the situation very well indeed and I agree wholeheartedly with the whole MIL thought process and how almost all my friends do have this sort of 'irrational' issue with them at times about their children and how they behave with them.. I know I do! And, yes I think the 'Mummy free' visits is a great idea / plan.

As my DD gets older I have noticed that I am far better walking out the room if MIL is with her as it doesn't 'irritate' me in the same way as if I'm sitting there getting annoyed by their ways. So yes, top tips !

aw, you poor thing. It's hard in the early months to let other people have your baby. Generally there's going to be people on Mumsnet who see the word MIL and will automatically think you are being unreasonable for even daring to feel funny about her having your child. It is natural though - honest.

I think RE the food you will have to sit down with your MIL and stress the fact that weaning guidelines have changed (they were different in her day no doubt) and that there's a really good set of reasons why you do not want your baby to be given any solids. Then you will have to trust her to do the right thing. If she messes up after you have told her all this THEN you will have every right to be pissed off but at the moment you are probably worrying about nothing.

Thanks to all for posting.

I didn't actually feel all that anxious about leaving the baby prior to this. I genuinely didn't think that she'd take the baby out without asking. I suppose I see it as, at best, lacking in courtesy. I do not think it was malicious, more that it was thoughtless and, yes, disrespectful.

This is not predominantly about my ego or some power play between the pair of us as far as I'm concerned. I just want my daughter to be looked after along roughly the same lines as I would myself.

When you have the feeling that someone respects you, you rustle really trust that they'll follow your guidance in your absence. If someone doesn't really respect you then they may follow your wishes in front of you however you cannot be sure how they will be when unobserved.

Think you are massively overthinking this tbh.

When things like this happen out of the blue we can be surprised at the strength of our own emotions.

I was shocked by how strongly I felt when my mother began quietly do things her way despite me specifically asking her not to. It is a deep protective instinct and it's very hard to be logical when it is at its strongest.

The MIL didn't take the baby far, or for long but she didn't ask if it was OK. That means that to OP doesn't know what the boundaries are in this relationship. What else would her MIL do without consulting her?

We generally know how far our own parents are likely to take things, when we need to say something and how it will be received. It is much harder with in-laws.

OP, you need to find a way to clarify the boundaries for all of your sakes. If you let your MIL have her again soon let her know gently and politely about anything you feel very strongly about. Also ask her if she has any plans or wants to go out anywhere. This will give you a chance to let her know before it happens if you're not happy with something and it also lets her know that she does need to give you prior warning if she wants to have a good, relaxed relationship with you.

It will get easier as she gets older.

Mamabear has it exactly!!