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Original poster

Feeling distressed

23 replies

MoRaw · 02/09/2012 22:12

My 9 month old son starts nursery tomorrow. I did some settling last week (4 days) but he cried a lot when he realised I was not around. Tomorrow I will be leaving him for an extended period of time.

I feel so overcomed with guilt and sadness. I just want to cry. I am so worried about him crying and crying and crying. He was so red in the face and was crying uncontrollably last week when I was settling him in.

I just feel so distressed about the whole thing!

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WanderingOkapi · 02/09/2012 22:19

I know how you feel, it can be painful for both of you to be separated. Is there anyone that can come with you when you drop him off in the morning the first time? Best to keep focused, let him know what is happening, say you'll see him later and just go. The staff will have experience with whatever happens next and he will settle and he will (at some point) enjoy it. Then get yourself busy and know that many parents have done this before and they are all now ok and so are all the dc.

tribpot · 02/09/2012 22:21

Did you speak to his keyworkers after the settling in sessions? Almost certainly he cried for a while and then got on with things after that.

I'm not diminishing at all how you feel about it, it is awful; my ds would cry and cling to me when I left him at pre-school but if I waited out of sight in the corridor it would literally be 2 minutes before one of the staff came out to tell me he'd stopped crying and was now fine.

Have you let the nursery know you are concerned? At the very least I would arrange to call after a few hours to see if he is settled or not.

WanderingOkapi · 02/09/2012 22:22

I would add that the guilt you feel will change. I felt guilty sending ds 1 to nursery at first. But he got so much from it in the end that I now feel guilty that ds2 won't get the same opportunity to go !

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Original poster

MoRaw · 02/09/2012 22:22

Thanks. I will go with my husband. I am crying as I type this. I don't think I will sleep well tonight.

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Musomathsci · 02/09/2012 22:22

Chances are he will settle quickly once you are out of sight. It is terribly common for this agegroup to be very distressed at parting, but it doesn't last long. Perhaps one of the staff would be kind enough to ring you after an hour or so to reassure you that all is well? Do try to enjoy your day and look forward to seeing him at the end of it. It will get easier..

Original poster

MoRaw · 02/09/2012 22:26

Tribpot how old was your son? He's only ever managed about 45 minutes without crying down a uncontrollable and non-stop storm.

He seems to be ok for a while but once he realises I am not there, he cries and nothing seems to stop him.

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tribpot · 02/09/2012 22:33

He was about 9 months when he first starting going to a childminder I think, MoRaw. Similar reaction some days there and he still doesn't really like new situations now at the grand old age of 7. He's worrying about not being able to remember where his new classroom is at school!

But he and you will get through this - let dad do the physical handover tomorrow if he's calmer, to help your ds not pick up on your vibes?

jubilee10 · 03/09/2012 14:18

I agree with tribpot let dh hand him over or better still, get dh to drop him off. Ds3 (6) is dropped at school every morning by his dad. On the odd occasion I take him there is always some problem and he often ends up in tears. He's always been the same!

Original poster

MoRaw · 03/09/2012 20:31

My poor little lad survived his first day (well half a day as I could not bear to let him suffer for a whole day). It was torture for me too.

Tomorrow we do it all over again. I might try to leave him for a little longer.

He cried a lot but there were periods of calm and play. He did not sleep though so he was extremely tired. However he did eat his lunch there. When I arrived he was in one of the cots crying his heart out. He could not sleep as he was too distressed.

He was so relieved and happy to see me. That broke my heart. My poor little baby. I hope it gets better for him real soon because it is killing me.

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tribpot · 03/09/2012 20:53

I think the fact that he ate lunch is a really good sign, MoRaw. What the feedback from the nursery staff like? I'd imagine by the time you got there he was crying more because he was exhausted than distressed per se - it's important you not project your feelings on to him (for both your sakes). Does he have a special toy that he sleeps with at home he can take in with him?

LubileeJubileeJayde · 03/09/2012 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squirrellywoo · 03/09/2012 23:18

MoRaw i have read with interest and identify with what you said, as i am currently settling my 9 month old daughter into nursery. It all feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.

Just wanted to say fingers crossed that the rest of the week goes smoothly for you and your baby.

Original poster

MoRaw · 04/09/2012 09:12

Thanks all. Again, when I read your positive input I feel very encouraged. So thanks a million.

Tribpot the feedback was positive. They think he will settle. They said he enjoyed being read to and did actively play some of the time. Other times he cried and they spent a lot of time cradling him and cuddling him to try to get him to sleep.

Lubilee, indeed the sick stomach feeling and all that jazz! I always knew that this side of parenting would be the most difficult. I worry so much about the well-being of people. I knew when it came to my son that would be magnified tenfold. I hope I don't send myself to an early grave with worry. I even worry about who he might marry and what if she is not good to him, etc, etc.

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Original poster

MoRaw · 04/09/2012 09:13

Squirrell ooohh bless you. I hope all goes well for your daughter too. Nice to hear from someone with a baby of the same age going through the same thing.

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tribpot · 04/09/2012 20:14

How has today gone, MoRaw?

dikkertjedap · 04/09/2012 21:41

It is hard for both of you.

Not sure how much use it is to ask the nursery staff for feedback. If he truly was crying all day then it is unlikely that they will bluntly tell you this ...

At our school we have kids in reception who cry for most of the day, day in day out. They are five, there is no choice, they have to go. The reception staff won't tell their parents apart from saying that they are dealing with 'settling in problems'.

Hopefully he settles soon.

dikkertjedap · 04/09/2012 21:42

I should have said they are four (it being reception).

Original poster

MoRaw · 04/09/2012 21:48

Thanks for asking tribpot. Today appears to have been better than yesterday. There were more periods of calm and play. I was told he was smiling and laughing at times. Yesterday I only left him for half the day. Today I picked him up mid afternoon. The staff seem positive that he will settle.

He did manage to sleep a teeny bit. However, that is an improvement on zero sleep yesterday. He was shattered when I took him home today. H

Oh dear dikkertjedap. I hope that won't be the case for my son. Personally, I would rather be told the unmitigated truth. I don't see what is to gain by not be open and honest with the parents if the child is crying for most of the day. I really hope my baby will not be crying his heart out for most of the day every day.

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dikkertjedap · 04/09/2012 21:54

You could ask if they can take a few photos of him during the day ...

Original poster

MoRaw · 04/09/2012 21:56

Nice idea. I will ask.

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dikkertjedap · 04/09/2012 21:57

And rest assured, in our school the reception staff puts lots of efforts in settling all children, including involving a child psychologist and SEN staff (even if the kids don't have SEN at all, but because they have different strategies to communicate with distressed kids). The kids are never just left to themselves.

festivalwidow · 05/09/2012 09:42

Hi MoRaw, just wanted to send a hug your way as I could have written your post two years ago! My DD started nursery aged 9 months, I knew my going back to work was the best thing for us (actually the only thing!) and had every confidence in the nursery, but when I actually left her for the first time I was in bits. I could hear her crying as I closed the door and wondered if I'd really done the right thing. The staff were really honest with me about getting her settled and we re-worked the 'settling-in' times over a week to make it easier for her.

Within a week she was absolutely fine, loved having hugs from her carers and after two weeks had been 'adopted' by one of the older lads who was having trouble saying goodbye to his baby sister in the mornings. It was so sweet seeing him run to the door in the morning, giving her a hug and putting her coat on the peg before her carers got a chance to say hello!

These days I barely get a backward glance: she loves the place, has loads of friends and has found a 'little sister' of her own to boss around look after. I didn't believe she would ever settle and still love to see her skipping in!

Original poster

MoRaw · 05/09/2012 10:03

Awwww festival.

Thanks for the reassurance dikkert.

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