Is it possible that my baby doesn't like me?

[Tamz77]

Sounds like a silly and feeble question, I know, but I'd love some serious opinions, I feel so sad about this.

My son will be 5 months old next week. He's a contented little chap and the joy of my life, but I honestly don't think he likes me - at all. He doesn't 'look' for eye contact with me and if possible will avoid it (unless he's flat on his back and I'm leaning over him, so he can't avoid it). He very rarely smiles at me and has absolutely no reaction to any of my songs, games etc. It's like he needs me for my milk but apart from that, he isn't interested.

What makes it worse is that my son has a father who dumped me while I was pregnant (he had been married before and didn't want a second family), but decided a couple of months ago he did rather like our baby after all and wanted to be in the picture with regular visits to our home and days out together. I'm glad about this, for my son's sake. It is difficult though, emotionally, and what makes it worse is that my son absolutely adores his dad. I can hardly believe the change in him when he turns up; his eyes light up, follow him around the room, he'll stare at him and chuckle CONSTANTLY and is in absolute baby hysterics at the games his dad comes up with. I've jokingly said to my ex that our baby isn't too bothered about whether I even exist, which I shouldn't have, because he keeps asking if I'm jealous (YES but I can't admit it, it would be like losing what little power and self respect I have left), and harps on about how much he makes our baby laugh, the implicit meaning being that I'm the opposite.

This is eating away at my confidence and I don't know what to do. Today I tried everything to occupy and entertain my son. I'm not a great singer but I sang and danced with him, tried every toy in his toybox, rolled around on the floor with him, cuddled him, carried him around the house looking at things, chatted to him as I did my chores. And the look of blank disinterest just never left his face. My ex is coming round in the morning and I know the scenario before it happens: baby laughs when he's with his dad, looks bloody miserable when he's with me, and I'm totally shown up as a rubbish parent. I mean - what 5 month old baby prefers its dad??! It just doesn't happen! He wasn't even there for the first three months of his life! He never changes nappies or baths him or puts him to bed (I don't want him to, just illustrating the things I'd expect to contribute to attachment). I love my baby so much and I spend all my time with him (I don't work and we are together 24/7). How is this normal behaviour? How has it come to be like this? Is this it, for life: will my son prefer his dad forever? And I'm just someone who brings food?

Any experiences or advice you have to share will be gratefully received. I am in despair. My baby is my world, I gave up so much to have him and am so pleased I did. But right now I feel so redundant.

Oh poor you! So sorry you are feeling like this. My ds is same age and was real daddy's boy until a couple of weeks ago, lit up whenever dh came home even if had been irritable or bored with me. Did make me a bit p**d off to be honest but has now switched round and baby wants me all the time ? lovely but quite exhausting. I'm sure your ds will too ? do you think it's the novelty, if his dad isn't around much?

I don't really have any advice, but wondered if your son acts pleased to see other people to? Perhaps its just the novelty of someone else, as you spend so much time together? I'm sure someone one else will have a much better insight than I.

I really don't know though, but I just wanted to say that just from your post you sound like a wonderful caring loving mother and just because he is too young to show you, you are as much his world as he is yours. He is lucky to have you.

pie xxx

Tamz- he loves you - I promise. He's probably just responding to a change of scene (in tests this is what baby's do - they are more interested in something new iyswim). Have you ever left him with anyone? I bet if you did he would beam when you got back.

Of course you are sad. You have all the hard, unrelenting work of parenting, you are alone having been dumped in a really brutal way and life is tough. But NO, NO, NO your baby doesn't think like this. He can't. He really doesn't have the brain capacity to do this. This man is just a novelty and interesting to him because of that. If your baby is contented then that IS a sign of love, if you can beleive that. If he 'didn't like you' (honestly, a totally impossible thing for a baby of that age) he certainly wouldn't be a contented happy little chap. I really, honestly think you are projecting your own feelings of inadequacy and your own low self esteem onto your tiny son. You may also be rather depressed - also totally understandable in the circumstances. Please just carry on being the wonderful mother who had produced this contented, happy, loving boy . We all have our moments like this, we do. Funnily enough, my son who is two and three months is going through a total 'mummy' phase right now. A baby of five months is too young for it. Mind you, I bet if you left him for a night you'd soon see where his 'affections' lie!! Don't despair. You really are your son's moon and sun, his food, his air, his whole life. That's why he can take you for granted. To him, you are him. He can no more and no less take you for granted than he takes himself for granted.

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I can only echo what Aloha has said - your baby DOES love you, of course he does, you have said yourself that he is content - you sound like a fantastic mother, you are doing everything right and these feelings you have will pass in time. You have been through such a lot, and in such a short time! I think it takes a long time just to get over giving birth and coping with looking after a baby when its all new and a bit daunting. Your ex is just doing the fun stuff which is easy, the hard work is all being done by you and you alone. Please don't feel sad, you are doing the hardest job in the world, and doing it extremely well. Your baby is probably so completely secure with you that he doesn't feel the need to react to you - he KNOWS you will always be there for him. But I do think a little bit of time away from him might help you - could you try leaving him with someone for a couple of hours? Have a little break, it might help you. And please, don't feel redundant. You are the only person in the world that matters to your little boy. xxx

hi tamz,don't feel bad,your baby loves you,just wait till he can tell you and give you a hug and tell you you are the most beautiful mummy in the world,it won't be long,he can't say it yet but you are everything to him
xxx

If you really were a rubbish parent your baby wouldn't be the contented little soul he is. I really admire you for coping with everything by yourself. You've been rejected by one man and maybe think that no-one could want you - not even your baby. This is not true. At the moment his daddy is still something of a novelty to him. It doesn't mean your baby doesn't like you. You sound like a lovely person. Hugs to you. xxx

My ds (2y 5m) hits and bites me! I know that he does it because he knows that I will love him come what may. He is testing me I suppose. Your babe is too young for things like that, but I think that he does know that you are always there for him. Babies like a change of scene, and when your ex comes in, it is a blast for him. However, as someone else said, he wouldn't be contented if he didn't love you.

Try not to worry. Let's face it, you've been through a horrible time lately, and it bound to be affecting your confidence in yourself. One thing is for sure though...there is nothing as good as the love between a mum and her baby It is the best!

Tamz77, you're not redundant at all, you're your baby's world. I'm quite sure he doesn't 'prefer' his dad ? he just lights up in a different way when there's someone new on the scene. It's a long time ago since my ds was your baby's age, but I do remember something of a similar feeling. I remember thinking he just looked past me, yet he seemed to respond to other people. Do you think it might have something to do with the being around him 24/7 ? just that he's so used to having you around, you're almost part of him rather than being a new and exciting stimulus.
If it's any comfort, now, at the age of 5, my ds is always telling me he loves me, and I know that, when the chips are down, he always wants me to deal with the situation rather than anyone else. Even so, at his recent nativity play which both me and his dad went to, I noticed that it was his dad whose eye he was trying to catch and wave to during the performance.
As others have said, he wouldn't be a happy, contented little baby if he didn't love you. I'm sure you're doing a great job.

Want to echo what everyone else has said - Your babies dad may well make your baby laugh but at the end of the day this is a novelty thing. You are the one who is there 24/7 doing all the important jobs - and believe me you are going to be so important to your baby.
In years to come your son is not going to look back on his childhood and say "I had a great childhood, my dad make me laugh". He is going to think of you and what a great job you are doing for him.
Just the fact that your son is so confident with his dad - after not knowing him - proves that you have instilled a sense of security in him and he feels at ease. Looking at your post you are trying so hard - ease up on yourself. Being a mum can be thankless sometimes - but as your son get older you will get the hugs and kisses that will reassure you.
My ds is 15 months now - he was exactly the same as your son as a baby. He used to just stare at me. I think this is because like you I am around him all the time and you become their rock - but not as exciting as a 'new face'. But when my son need comfort and love - it is me he comes to - as your son will.
It sounds like you have had such a hard time - dont let the dad get to you - it sounds like he is massaging his own ego. Get some support from us other mums on here and remember you are doing a great job x x

Tam, I went though something similar with my ds when he was a baby. My Mum visited us alot and ds was always so delighted when she appeared. I remember crying after he just looked at me blankly when I was playing with him. I thought he preferred my mother and I was terribly upset. You're not being silly at all, we have an extremely demanding role to fulfil and we are often taken for granted. My son is now 3.5 and still adores my mother but I am No1 in his life, I am the one he wants if he is ill or tired. I am the one he talks about when he is with my mum, I am the one he holds on tightly to. Please dont think your baby doesnt need you, he needs you more than he needs anything else in the world, you just have to accept sometimes he is going to be more excited to see a fresh face as he sees yours all day.

It's definitely the novelty factor - some days dd will smile at EVERYONE except me - but now I'm back at work and when I get back I get the happy smily child. Your baby doesn't have to charm you as you're always there for him

Dear Tamz77 ...
I would like to echo what Twigglet said about PND ...
When I read your post it rang a few bells for me and I couldn't help think "Post Natal Depression?" because I felt like this about my son for a long time. I really felt at the time that I didn't bond with him and that he didn't like me at all and that he wouldn't care if I was not in the picture ... yet he laughed and laughed just on hearing his dad's voice.
I look back now (he has just turned 4) and I know that much of the problem was the fact that I suffered from post natal depression - I was on anti depressants until DS was 14 months and I don't believe that it is just coincidence that I felt 'my' time with him started around then ...
Have you talked to your Health Visitor or GP about how you feel? They may be able to assess your emotional state and help in some way ...
Thinking of you ...

Tamz77, just wanted to add my support and agreement too. No, I don't think it's remotely possible that your son doesn't like you and I agree, it's the stimulation of the new that makes him react this way to his father. Sorry to hear that he behaved badly btw. I felt similarly when my ds was a couple of months old - I wondered if he knew me and it took my mum to point out that of course he did, I was the one who was there all the time, feeding him, changing his nappy etc etc. I wonder if you should consider whether you're depressed too (you may not be, I wasn't at the time, although I was a bit later) - it would be completely understandable if you were.

Tamz, just remembered, experiments have shown babies like looking at something someone else has looked at. If you look at an object, he'll prefer that object to another because your gaze means it is more significant than anything else around. So when you greet his dad, it makes him think his dad is interesting and important. Obviously you can't ignore someone who turns up at your house, but may be reassuring to know he's taking his lead from you! (my ds has just taken part in some research into this at Birkbeck)

Tamz77, I just wanted to add my support to what the others have said. He is contented because you are giving him everything he needs, which includes love, and he doesn't yet understand that he is a seperate person from you, so he thinks of you and him as being all one person. When he gets to about 8 months he will realise you are seperate and can leave, and then you will see without any doubt just how wonderfully important you are.
Someone (I think it was coddy) wrote a beautiful comment about mums a while ago it was something like "you are his mum, the centre of his universe, the sun and the moon, his whole world revolves around you, because you only have one mum" (she was much more eloquent) the point is, that kids love their mums because they are mum, however hopeless we may feel at times.

He adores you, you ex is just novelty, try asking someone else to look after him for a couple of hours, and go out somewhere (for a walk, for a coffee, to the shops etc) when you come back, not only will you feel better, but he will light up at seeing you again.

Tamz77

I think you are suffering from PND too. I feel able to say this having been there myself and thus having a bit of insight into the condition.... Please seek some help for your sake.

Also I wholeheartedly agree with everyone who has said that your baby wouldn't be so contented if he didn't feel loved and secure with mummy. All babies adore their mother (unless mum is some heinous monster who ill treats them). I promise you he loves and needs you.

Try and have a happy Christmas. Big hugs to you

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my message, I can't tell you how much the support cheered me up! The new perspective has made me feel loads better, thanks xx

GOOD GIRL !!! xxx

Sorry - that might sound odd ..... what I meant to say was ..... glad that we helped and that you ARE doing really well and obviously need a bit of TLC yourself xxx

Hey how is your baby now? I have similar concerns, thank you x

It’s my first time posting on here, but my 6month old son seems to not enjoy my company anymore. I have had to leave him a few times for appointments and other such things, but when I get him back home, he really doesn’t seem bothered at all. All in all he’s such a good baby and my first so I think I’ve been very lucky overall, but he seems to prefer everyone else over me. This really hurts and I honestly don’t know what or how to deal with it. I try not to get upset about it, but I love him so much that I don’t want him to end up preferring Grandma, or his aunties over me. I’m literally trying not to cry about it, but I can’t seem to shake that feeling. I can’t talk to my Mum about it because she dismisses me instantly and calls me stupid. But I just need some advice. He is a good little boy and I’m really trying, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling. (He’s my first and only baby)