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Parenting

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Original poster

What can I do about my dad's lack of involvement?

21 replies

Pruni · 15/03/2006 13:43

Last night, lying in bed musing, I worked out that in 2005 my dad saw his grandchild for a sum total of three hours. It came as one of those electric shock realisations and I can't shake it.

I don't have a great relationship with my dad, but we don't fight. There have, over the years, been a lot of tearful discussions about his parenting - he was a single parent to me for about 8 years, the teenage years (poor sod). He is very flippant about it all, whereas I was depressed, isolated and am quite resentful of his chipper "I did my best" attitude because I know he didn't.

However, despite all that, i am keen to have a relationship with him, because damn it I quite like the man, and I'm not into raking up the past, really. I'd rather we got on as best we can.

He lives a day's journey away. So, obviously, do I - which means that what with a toddler and a full-time job and little money, I haven't been up to see him. He has never been down here, except once when the baby was born, and he came to us on a detour from a course he was teaching.

At that visit, he was full of regrets about the past and good thoughts about the future: buy a bigger house, make sure you all come up to visit, big convivial family meals and happy times. So, ok, he's dreaming a bit, but precisely nothing has been suggested, ever, to work towards anything like that.

I suppose I just want to get this out somehow and see if anyone's got any advice. I sort of want him to know that three hours a year is rather pathetic. But I also do want to have a better relationship with him.

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Distel · 15/03/2006 13:46

I doubt my dad has seen my 3 children for mumch more than that (except christmas day), and we live a 5 minute drive away!

Sorry, I can't give advice but understand how you feel .

Original poster

Pruni · 15/03/2006 13:53

Holy shit Distel - have you ever said anything to him about it?

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motherinferior · 15/03/2006 13:53

I am sorry. I think the only tactic under your circumstances has to be very specific recommendations of 'which day in April can you come and see us' with three options or suchlike.

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Distel · 15/03/2006 13:59

They used to see him more. My mum and dad run a pub so they are busy. If I made the effort to go and see him, I'm sure all would be fine. TBH - I am fed up with making the effort, they see my mum more often and my dad is great with them when they are being perfect children......they rarely are though .

Used to bother me, I try not to anymore. Hope you sort things out x x x.

Original poster

Pruni · 15/03/2006 14:11

Ha MI I have tried that! He always says he'll see us when we come up (to visit dh's family - three hours from him) and then drops in for a cup of tea on the way from visiting his wife's family in the same area. He puts it off - that's what happened in 2005.

Bad luck Distel. Perhaps, though, it is easier, I don't know.

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Distel · 15/03/2006 14:14

The problem is that he doeasn't realise there is a problem. I got quite drunk on new years eve and we argued about it, I just don't think he see's why he should have a role in my childrens life.

fredly · 15/03/2006 14:16

Having a baby yourself makes you reflect on your own childhood doesn't it? I've been thinking about mine ever since my dd's been born and I'm getting to the point of thinking that it's pointless.
My parents live abroad, but as you say the distance is the same both ways, and travelling with a newborn is not the easiest thing. Even so, my parents didn't see my daughter until she was 3 months old and I'll never forgive them. It's not like they're on the other side of the world, it's only a couple of hours' flight away. My daughter is now 18m and if I hadn't made the effort they wouldn't have seen her since their visit. It makes me soooo sad, I've told them but they don't seem to care.
They know my position, so what can I do ? I try to maintain the link as best I can but with a lot of resentment for their indifference.

fredly · 15/03/2006 14:17

I'm sure now that my dad didn't want children - I was an "accident". So after all why should I expect him to care about mine?

Original poster

Pruni · 15/03/2006 14:18

Fredly, that's a very similar situation to mine.
I feel like my dad's just tired of the whole parenting thing. he used to say "You'll be off my hands when you're 18" and I told him a few years ago how hurtful and inaccurate that was and he apologised. But he was right (actually it was more like 13 or 14 in my case).

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fredly · 15/03/2006 14:34

My dad apologised for not giving me enough attention when I was a child, but first it's a bit late for that and second he's doing exactly the same thing with my daughter.
We never got on and I don't think we ever will. I love him very much but there's a big communication problem.
I don't think there's any point to try and change the situation, because I know it won't.

Original poster

Pruni · 15/03/2006 14:46

Oh fredly, sounds just like my dad.
Mine admitted that he thinks he might be a bit odd. I PMSL - I've known that for years...

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beetroot · 15/03/2006 14:50

My dad just spent 6 months going around the world and did not send one postcard, birthday card, christmas card. DH mum did is on a 4 month cruise and we get post cards from every port, birthday and christmas cards etc.

I feel my dad will not be missed by many when he dies...sad really.

fredly · 15/03/2006 14:54

I think it's a generation issue. My dad's (he's 60) been brought up thinking that showing affection is a weakness and displaying feelings is shamefull.

littlemisspiggy · 15/03/2006 15:47

FIL has seen his grandson for a total of 11/2 hours last year. He lives in Devon & we are in London but we don't have a car. He phones once in a blue moon. My mum lives in France but takes loads of interest in her grandson (postcards, weekly phone calls) and it is a pleasure to have her stay with us (usually about 10 days at a time) or go and stay with her.
I think its a mixture of generation thing, his own upbringing (not overly close with his own parents), not being that close with DH and a bit of can't be arsed.
TBH I think it's usually the grandmothers who keep the links going so if they are not around it doesn't really happen.
Looks like you might have to do the groundwork.

fennel · 15/03/2006 16:12

Dp's parents visit about once a year. they live an hour away, don't work, and drive all over the country when they feel like it. just not to our house.

i don't think you can do much except get used to it and accept that's how some grandparents are. not very interested in their grandchildren.

on the plus side, we are about to move 250 miles away and it's actually easier as I don't think DP's parents will actually notice. and we won't feel guilty when we're not around to help with the eldercare.

Sponge · 15/03/2006 16:24

My parents live about 1.5 hours away, adore their grandchildren and still don't spend a great deal of time with them. They see them when we go to visit or if they join us on holiday. Dp's parents live nearby and see them much more but still no more than once every couple of months. I think you have to accept that your parents have their own lives and if they spend some good quality time with your kids and can give you a break once in a while then that's a bonus.

RedTartanLass · 16/03/2006 14:36

Pruni - my dad hasn't seen my dd yet, he's been too busy She's nearly 5 months! He has seen ds2 about twice and seen my 20 year old ds1 about 5 times. In fact ds1 doesn't know what to call him, certainly not grandad.

So sorry no advice for you

Original poster

Pruni · 16/03/2006 14:41

Gawd it's really depressing to hear so many of you in the same situation.
It's not really a question of accepting he has a life without us - I wouldn't have it any other way. Being excluded almost completely is a bit weird, though, isn't it? never making time to see your family, then saying how much you regret not seeing them and not having a relationship with your grandchildren...Bloody stupid imo.
So is the consensus that I don't bother too much about trying to put it right, or is there a way of sorting it?

OP posts:

fredly · 16/03/2006 14:46

Pruni, I would say that as long as he knows what you think but chooses not to change there's very little you can do.

RedTartanLass · 16/03/2006 14:55

Pruni, I'm 40 this year and it's being going on since I was 15. My dad is NEVER going to change, NEVER going to be interested in his grandchildren.

I have tried everything, but he is a selfish prat, and will end up a lonely and miserable old man, who will have loads of money but no family to care about him.

He didn't even phone/write to me when my mum died.

OMG - sorry about that bitterness

festiveface · 16/03/2006 15:16

sounds like my dad too, he can drive, i can't and if he got in his car and actually came to visit it would take him all of about 25 minutes!
we haven't argued or fallen out or anything, in fact the subject of WHY has never even been broached. ds1 and ds2 have seen him about twice a year for about an hour a time since they were born and they are 7 and 10 now!

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