Think my family are 'too much' for PFB!

[Lancrehotpot]

Hello, realise this may sound ridiculous, but I've had a bad afternoon and needed some help.
I love my family, but they are a rowdy bunch and being fairly quiet myself, even now I can find them quite overwhelming to be around.
When I take PFB DS, (nearly four months) to see them he always ends up in a state because they won't leave him alone. Literally, they are in his face chanting- 'Go on, give us a smile, go on' for his every waking moment. It is the mission of my Mum and Dad to get him to smile at them first, whether he's just woken up, has just been crying etc and it is getting too much.
As an adult, I would find what happens to him overpowering, so god knows how he must be feeling. They are just so bloomin' LOUD.

He's a big baby and from birth has been treated as 'older' than he is, so if he doesn't respond favourably (which is most of the time- he just looks overwhelmed) he gets called grumpy. It is ridiculous that I worry about putting him down or passing him over because he will instantly have someone blowing raspberries on his neck or peek-a-booing until he's borderline hysterical. Their way of playing with him is just more robust/ shock-based than he's used to.
Realise this sounds so over-protective as I'm writing it, but he is genuinely upset after every visit.

They often imply that he's spoiled/peevish because I don't let him cry/feed on demand etc and this is why he's not chuckling at everyone 24/7. He's not a bloody performing monkey FFS.

I am starting to dread visits because this is what they think of DS (though of course they love him very much and are just excited to see him). DH and I are both fairly introverted and home is quiet, so obviously this is just an unusual situation for him.

I know he'll grow out of it as he becomes better at recognising people/can understand the situation more, but how can I help him now or tactfully tell them to tone it down?

I'm sorry this is so long and I probably sound ridiculous. I would like them to see his happy side too, rather than waving good-bye to a screaming baby yet again.

I experience something similar OP. I've just gone along with it as it's kinda nice that family are so thrilled. I'm hoping she gets used to the bustle.. Sorry I'm no bloody help am I?

It sounds really stressful for you. Can you have a chat with your parents over the phone before your next visit, and tell them what you've told us. Just say that he is used to a fairly quiet, calm environment at home, and he finds all the attention a bit overwhelming. You are going to need to be a bit more assertive and ask them to let him be! Perhaps you can persuade them to not pick him up and so on for the first hour or so of your next visit, and he may be happier and more responsive as a result, proving you right! If he starts to get stressed, just leave or at least take him elsewhere in the house with just you to calm down again.

I was like you.
Then I had my 2nd and 3rd and realised they won't break. The time actually passes quickly and soon he will be crawling, weaning, etc and you'll forget these moments.

I'm not trying to say its not important, it's your perfect, precious bundle. Call less often for a while maybe?!

Oh poor little sausage, imagine what it must be like for a little baby to have all that!? Could you say that he has sensitive hearing (he probably has, being a baby and all that!) to try to quieten them all down?
And YANBU and you're also not being over protective, your house is just different to theirs.

My DH's family were like this with DS (especially when they had been on the wine),- especially my DSIL before she had her DD (funnily enough she is VERY PFB with her DD ).
My Mum would snatch him out of my hands as soon as I got there and when he cried would ask "what's wrong with him, is he ill? Maybe you should take him to the doctor."
They sound very enthusiastic which is nice but I think you just need to be assertive when you are there. Tell them to back off a bit and that he will come round when he is more settled and adjusted to the environment. Failing that remove him from the room they are in and go somewhere quiet with him to calm him down. Soon he'll be old enough to tell them to piss off and leave him alone .

arthurfowler, a problem shared and all that.
Muso- Don't know if I would get through to them with a phone call. They'd probably see it as me making a fuss over nothing, as they'd never accept that they're making him cry. I just say it must be his teeth/tiredness, so it's my own fault really. You're right though, I need to get better at removing him before he gets so worked up.
Tigger and Para- 'perfect, precious bundle'He is though, bless him. He won't be thanking MN when I rock up at sixth form parent's evening telling everyone to 'keep it down please.. he's sensitive'
Nobhead- Soon he'll be old enough to tell them to piss off and leave him alone Wish I dared!
Wonder why 'grown-ups' are so offended by a baby not smiling back at them?

My DD was like this to with DH's family, she never got time to adjust to where she was and who and who was there before she was being grabbed or cooed at. Inevitably she'd come back to me or DH practically straightaway and then be passed back once she'd calmed down and gotten use to them. She's now 8 months and it's left an overhang of comments about "your mummy and daddy are right there" implying she's clingy when she's not really, she just needs a bit of time. We don't have the telly on much either and we aren't loud so she is used to quite a quiet environment.

He's your son and I think you'll just have to let the comments slide off you, but don't be afraid to protect him from all the noise and shockingness. After all, he's letting you know it upsets and distresses him and if you don't protect him, who will? He'll grow into it.

We had a similar situation with PILs and DD - constantly in her face. I used to haul her away every half hour for a half hour feed just for some peace and quiet for her, or take her outside for some fresh air and calm. Now she's three, and she'll say to MIL 'I'm going to my room to play now' and MIL will say 'oh how lovely, I'll come too and we'll play a game' and DD will turn round and say 'NO!'. Which I know is rude, but frankly I'm not going to stop her. MIL does as she's told now and leaves her to it. It helps that DS takes some of the pressure off, and there'll be another DC next year too to dilute things further.

Can you not just take him off or away from whoever is bothering him with a jovial, "Alright, alright, pipe down you rowdy lot."

My ds2 used to get beside himself when he was a baby being passed around a lot and there being much fuss. It took ages to calm him and used to upset me too to see him like that.

I would just take him with an assertive smile and disappear for a bit into a quieter, cooler room, usually the bathroom.

I let people know PDQ that waking my babies by cooing, prodding, poking, picking them up is not acceptable not least because it creates work for me.

I don't think it's PFB at all to not want your child distressed for whatever reason.

We had this with one branch of the family - DS used to surf off on a wave of aunties - but when he got upset I used to say, "oh he's hungry, pop him back and I'll sort him out" then take him to a bedroom to calm him down/ bf. We'd then go back for round 2 by which time they'd all calmed down a bit.

By 9 months he adored those visits to a lively house!

When my pfb was small I was similarly annoyed by my FIL's need to bellow at him - shouting "you gonna go na-nights?" is not the accepted way to get a baby to sleep! But he was just excited to see DS, as you say, and now a lively 1-year-old he loves noisy attention, the louder the better! It is upsetting for you but it is also only for a short time. Grit your teeth and give your little one lots of quiet cuddles after a visit.

My mil used to do this. Totally overstimulate dd1 so when she came home she was hysterical and really hard to settle. Is was endless rounds of "where you been? Where you been? Where you been? Where you been?" don't even get me started on the grammar!!!!
Anyway, nothing has really changed but dd1 and now dd2 enjoy their visits and an adult who actually wants to play their games!!! I feel your pain, but you may just have to grin and bear it. I found feeding dd gave her a break and some settled time.

I worried like this over PFB and my family and genuinely worried about the noise being too much for him.

Now with DD1 who has a 2 yr old and 4 yr old brother I have given up our house is always a rabble and DD1 is the happiest wee thing ever

Have you visited any toddler groups yet? Could these be a good place to get him used to rowdiness and you can get a cup of tea and a chat?

We had a similar problem with my DS from about 6 months, especially with my dad who was really in his face, always wanting a smile, cuddle etc.

It was a long-term problem as it got to the point where DS hated my dad as a result. He had bad separation anxiety in general, but he wouldn't willingly go near my dad till he was about 2.5 years old, whereas he was happy to play with other family members from the age of about 18 months.

I'd use humour and try to be assertive - make sure you remove him from a situation in which he's getting genuinely distressed. I'd grab him off the person holding him and say, "DS doesn't want to be poked at the moment, do you DS?". I often say, "You don't feel like smiling at the moment, do you?" to DS, and remind people that they were complete strangers to him since he didn't see them every day.

I think you should overlook the comments though.

We tried very hard not to make excuses eg tiredness, teething etc as (particularly as DS got older) we didn't want him to feel pressured to be sociable with people if he didn't want to be. We'd make sure he had time to get used to people being there before he got passed to anyone else, and take him off people fairly quickly if he got upset. Now we still have a few issues e.g. we had to tell people he wants to wave hello/goodbye as he was getting upset when his grandfathers tried to kiss him, but family are much better at respecting his boundaries.

I'm really pleased to see you've got support here, ILs were like this when DS was small and we'd often end up with him screaming all evening - even now I get panicky if he starts to show signs of tiredness (generally going manic) when we're there because their answer is to keep PLAYING, PLAYING, PLAYING to 'distract' him when (being the one that spends all day every day with him I know) what he actually needs is winding down.

I thought you'd get a lot of people saying "pfb" and "they're just excited, would you rather they ignored him?" so it's nice to see I'm not alone in my feelings! It wont kill him to be played with or be around loud people but like pps have said I think you can step in if it all gets too much. I'm now expecting DC2 and fully expect to experience it all again. My plan is to be 'breezy' so not as passive as with DS but not too uptight either - ie: "I think that's enough now" swipe baby "shall we go somewhere quiet for a bit?"

you'll find as your baby gets older he'll make it known if he wants out of a situation - wriggling out of someone's grip/walking away (hopefully) saying "no, I don't want to" - so you will look more laid back! (not that you should have to be but it'll get them off your back at least!

Yanbu...we had a similar problem with dh's family. Ds would be so upset because they treated him like a performing monkey...he has reflux and they used to jiggle him about ao much he was sick.

Needless to say my once quiet voice became loud!!

Sadly tgey knew the effect of their actions but cared more about their enjoyment than ds.

Thank you for all the brilliant comments. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply- had a full weekend.

fhdl34 She's now 8 months and it's left an overhang of comments about "your mummy and daddy are right there" implying she's clingy when she's not really, she just needs a bit of time. I would find it pretty scary to be turfed immediately onto an unfamiliar lap and have several faces shouting down at me. Why do this to somebody so tiny who has no idea what's going on? He's not clingy, he's normal!

ZuleikaD there'll be another DC next year too to dilute things further. This is a good point. I hope things are calmer with the second!

A few people saying 'remove him when it gets too much', which I usually try. at least it gives him a bit of respite before it all kicks off again:) Love that people's LOs became more sociable as they got older. Think my family just want him to be at that stage now and are frustrated that he's not there yet.
Am going to try a baby-group soon, so hopefully he'll get more used to chaotic environments.

Angeldog Your post really resonates with me because my Dad is the same and DS always gets upset around him. He 'demands' that DS smile for him without smiling at him first (like DS can understand!) then when DS cries or his face crumples, he starts pulling upset 'whingey' faces back at him, like DS is some big softie, which upsets him more. Really gets my goat. But at the same time, he's always the one wanting to cuddle DS the most, so I think he's got some issues.
we didn't want him to feel pressured to be sociable with people if he didn't want to be...we still have a few issues e.g. we had to tell people he wants to wave hello/goodbye as he was getting upset when his grandfathers tried to kiss him, but family are much better at respecting his boundaries.
Thanks for this. I think it is easy to forget that they're little people too and they deserve some personal space and the option to not be 100% all the time.
I seem to rememeber reading that sometimes a baby who smiles indiscriminately at everyone isn't always the most secure baby. Correct me if this is BS.

NicecupofteaI am going to use this
"I think that's enough now" swipe baby "shall we go somewhere quiet for a bit?" and try your 'breezy' technique. Will try make it into less of an issue and when it comes to DS getting upset, non-negotiable.

Catsrule That is awful! Poor little guy. I have a relative who thinks it's fine to take close-ups with flash when DS is asleep. Then are secretly pleased amazed that DS wakes up for cuddles. Very selfish.

I am going to try more get-togethers with just individual family members, so that he can get properly comfortable with them. Tried it with my DM at the weekend and it was lovely. They got on so much better.
Thanks for the responses and support

Lancrehotpot I think that can be true about exceptionally smiley babies. I minded a 16 month old for a while who had been bounced around from carer to carer since he was three weeks old and he always smiled indiscriminately at everyone. I think he had learned that he was likely to get a better/ more caring response - it had nothing to do with how he was feeling or whether he liked the person and I could always tell when it was a 'fake' smile. But workers at the Children's Centres etc would always say 'oh aren't you a happy chappy!'. He wasn't at all, it was a learned tactic.

We put up with similar from the outlaws. It was when he learned to talk we discovered that ds1 was just as pissed off as me us, and had clearly been listening to my ranting as well. Mil started and he looked at her with a perfect Paddington Bear stare and said "Ganny, I not a 'forming seal"

I've experienced this. My girl would laugh and smile and have fun at first but it would soon become apparent that there was just too much expected of her and she'd start crying. If it wasn't handled carefully that would spiral into a red face and soundless crying. At first I would let a family member pick her up and try to soothe her but now I just take her myself and walk to a quiet area of the house. I think the inlaws are a bit put out that they can't calm her down because she's not a few weeks old any more but they're not at all pushy, thankfully. When I take over they just leave me to it. When she's calmed down I bring her back and they start off slowly or leave her alone.

Keep control over the situation as you are the one who is gonna be left with the fallout after family have gone home. Babies are taking in new information by the truckload as it is, so it's no wonder they get tired and upset easily.

You could try saying 'you wound her up, now you get her back down' and see if they'll accept the challenge. Some people (I want to say men) are only interested if babies perform. All the sleeping, crying, feeding stuff is boring so once they've reached that point they'll probably slope off and leave you to deal with the upset. I haven't had this problem yet myself as my family are sensitive enough to know when she's had enough, but if I did I would make an excuse about the baby needing to be changed and remove her from the situation the moment I could see she was getting upset.