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Parenting

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Original poster

Unpopular Child

16 replies

DisappointedHorse · 30/08/2012 18:06

Does anyone else have one of these? How do you deal with it?

DD is coming up 9 and really struggles socially. She can be incredibly kind, loving, loyal, funny and clever but she can also be selfish, irritating, very immature and generally OTT. Other kids just don't like her, and depressingly, I can often see their point. I love her so much but God, she can be hard work.

I try to organise play dates and she does have a best friend but I'm honestly not too sure how much to socially engineer and how much to let her learn the hard way.

Any pearls of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

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domesticslattern · 30/08/2012 18:07

Does she mind?

Original poster

DisappointedHorse · 30/08/2012 18:11

She does mind, that's part of the problem.

If she was happy in herself that wouldn't bother me but she's miserable when she has no-one to play with.

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pippop1 · 30/08/2012 18:22

Try doing some role play with her at home. Go through different scenarios with her as "the friend" and you as DD.

Start with the friend (her) arrving at the house for a playdate and go from there. She'll literally be putting herself in her friend's shoes and will see how it feels if for example she is not allowed to play with certain items or is bossed about or whatever it is that your DD does.

Good luck!

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juneau · 30/08/2012 18:24

Have you talked to her about her less desirable behaviour and encouraged her to be 'the best version of herself'? We all have undesirable traits, but part of growing up is about learning to be generous, kind, thoughtful, etc. The selfishness that you mention is surely something that can be worked on?

Newtothisstuff · 30/08/2012 18:27

My DD is 6 and she's the same she's just so boisterous and get in kids faces and is like a bull in a china shop, she never gets invited to parties or anything it breaks me heart, we made a big effort on her birthday invited the whole class to her party and only 8 came !! She's beginning to understand a bit more now that her behaviour is having an affect !! it's just hard to know how to help things in the right way !!

Original poster

DisappointedHorse · 30/08/2012 18:32

I've never considered role play, that's a great idea!

I have talked to her so many times, tonight being the latest. I picked her up from holiday club to be told she'd had a funny day and was tearful. She'd accidentally kicked another child when trying to jump into an activity first and it got a bit physical. The rest of the girls sided with the other and DD was left on her own all day.

I had a talk with her on how usually, the way people treat us is as a direct consequence of our behaviour. If we are selfish, silly and whingy then people won't want to play with us. If we consider other people's feelings and have fun, we'll have plenty of friends.

I think she gets it but is so impulsive she can't help herself. She actually has every symptom in the book of ADHD manifesting in girls but the school think she's fine. She is good at her work and manages to hold down a few friendships.

She's a funny kid but she can be lovely and I don't want her to be miserable.

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Original poster

DisappointedHorse · 30/08/2012 18:33

Newtothisstuff it's hard isn't it?

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Newtothisstuff · 30/08/2012 20:22

Gosh your dd sounds exactly like mine, I've taken her to the doctors and school have tried to get her statemented but every time she's assessed she aces the tests and behaves herself !! It's really hard !! We've got a play date tomorrow first one in agessss I've spent the last hour telling her how she's got to behave or we can't play again !! Fingers crossed

scummymummy · 30/08/2012 20:31

The other girls sound mean. An accidental kick isn't a reason not reject someone all day. Didn't the staff intervene to try and smooth things over a bit?

scummymummy · 30/08/2012 20:31

sorry- to not not!

spudmasher · 30/08/2012 20:34

I have one.
We are further down the line. DD is nearly 14 now. At primary school it was hard and she was openly shunned by children (and me by the mums)
Spent ages wondering why and coaching DD in the art of 'how to make yourself fit in'. She was bossy, controlling, bored and hugely not liked. But of course we love her unconditionally.
The epiphany was realising she never would fit in and consequently having to think differently and change tack.....she now goes to a highly specialised independent school with like minded children. It has been financiancially demanding but we manage and she is now happy. She bounds out of bed to school every day.
It's about finding their niche. The world is made up of many different types of people with different skills and personalities.
Not easy this parent thing....

IndigoBell · 30/08/2012 20:36

School aren't qualified to dx ADHD. It doesn't matter whether they think she has it or not.

If you think she has ADHD or Aspergers you need to go to your GP and ask for a referral to a paed.

Original poster

DisappointedHorse · 30/08/2012 21:00

There's no way I'd ever be able to afford private school so I'm hoping it won't come to that. When you say highly specialised spudmasher how do you mean?

The staff did intervene today and smooth things over but I guess they can't make people play together.

I did ring my GP once during one end of my rope moment. She just told me to go through the school! Maybe I need to go back but I also don't want to make DD feel any more different, like there is something wrong with her. I also wouldn't want to go down a medication route, that would feel wrong. She is who she is. But maybe I have to.

It is hard. Hopefully getting back to school will help, she's been a horror all summer!

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diyqueen · 30/08/2012 21:28

Haven't got one (yet... hoping 17mo dd will not be the same as me) but was one myself way back when. Is your dd an only child by any chance? If not, how does she relate to her sibling(s)?

I was an insufferable know-it-all (think Hermione Grainger...) and very socially awkward... I used to try too hard with other children as it didn't come naturally. Some of it was just that I was used to being on my own, and some was actually a lack of confidence that I tried to hide.

I'd do everything you can to help her out - encourage any friendships she does have, let her see you in social settings and set a good example, encourage her in any hobbies where she can spend time with other children her age. I went from being just unpopular at primary school to being awfully bullied at secondary school, which had a big effect on my mental health, confidence and ability to make friends...

lljkk · 30/08/2012 21:31

I had one. I was one.
Moving schools was the solution for us both.

IndigoBell · 31/08/2012 07:02

A diagnosis does not mean medication.

There is loads and loads and loads you can do to help her if she has ADHD.

But while you don't know if she does or doesn't have it, it's much harder for you to help her.

Many GPs are as clueless as teachers about ADHD. She needs to be seen by a paed. In some areas that will happen at the child development centre, in others at CAMHS. Because she's older it will probably happen at CAMHS.

So go back to your GP and be much clearer about what you want to happen - a referral to someone who can diagnose ADHD.

Don't keep your head in the sand. It's not helping your DD.

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