Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

[BeatTheOdds]

'like yourself' I mean, not 'such as yourself' you've never said anything specific to me regarding removal of babies shortly after birth.

[wordfactory]

beattheodds I think the way you and other posters jumped in to tell the OP that you believed her and linked to that website (which takes a very anti-social services/police stance), shows that you were thinking far more about the Mother and your grievance with the system than the child.

The fact was that this child was at risk.

Always better to err on the side of the child and caution.

As for the website...well...it certainly does not adequately interpret the law in the UK. I am al awyer by the way, not a social worker.
And your assertions about the law upthread were equally incorrect.

You stated that there was precedent for removing DC without presenting the court with detailed information about risk of harm. I said I had never read any. Nothing on that website is proper legal precedent. One would expect apellate cases if that were the case no?

I would expect any parent lawyer or indeed child lawyer like myself to appeal very sharpish if SS offered no evidence of suspected harm.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

Please be very careful what you post on here. The OP is very vulnerable, and appears to be following some of the posts on here. The best thing she can do is get professional support in real life.

[BeatTheOdds]

You are misquoting me significantly wordfactory

The better safe than sorry idea, is exactly why there needs to be better safeguards, precisely because there is that imbalance of perspective.

Nothing on that site that is legal precendent? Have you read about the cases? Perhaps I have misunderstood a point of law, bit if something has been decided in a court, is it not a basis for legal precedent?

And I'm not talking about no evidence at all, I'm talking about really flimsy evidence that would not stand up in any other type of court.

As a lawyer, what is your opinion on the fact that hearsay is routinely allowed in family courts?

^As for the website...well...it certainly does not adequately interpret the law in the UK. I am al awyer by the way, not a social worker.
And your assertions about the law upthread were equally incorrect.^

If I'm speaking on misinformation, it would be useful if you could be specific.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

This thread isn't about other cases, evidence or points of law, and you're just going to confuse an already vulnerable mother even further. Leave the law to her solicitor, as it's very unwise to give legal advice to a stranger on the internet when you don't know the full facts.

[BeatTheOdds]

Wordfactory and I are discussing whether the system needs reform in general, not sure how that's giving the OP legal advice.

Feel free to PM though Wordfactory if you agree with Lady on this. I really would love to know the specifics of where/how you disagree with me on what I have stated regarding the law.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

Maybe it's best to start a new thread then?

[Noqontrol]

That bloody website is not a good one to list here, or anywhere tbh. It is full of inaccuracies and is incredibly one sided.
Not a good move, especially on a thread like this, where the op is vulnerable, impressionable, and is in need of facts and good advice, not shoddy scaremongering that sites like that have to offer.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

Why on Earth are you posting a link to an inaccurate, biased web site if you're a lawyer, BeatTheOdds? Seriously, this isn't the right place to discussing reform of the Children's Act. Are you a qualified solicitor, or someone who works in this field?

[Lougle]

When you are finished discussing the finer points of law, can you remember that there is a young woman here who has had a terrible few years, culminating in the removal of her child from her care, and arrest for ABH towards that child. There is a little boy who, whatever has been happening, adores his mother and can't understand why he only sees her for a short time each day.

Your debating the finer points of law will not help this poster. The child will not be helped if the OP gets him returned to her on some small technicality. The fact is, that it is blindingly obvious that this child is not safe with this woman, and will continue to be unsafe with her unless she gets real, substantial help to change her fundamental thought processes, if at all.

The last thing this poster needs is the impression that if she just get her DS back, it will all be ok. It won't.

[BeatTheOdds]

Noqontrol, people are often given a biased and inaccurate perspective from people in authority who you would think would know better. The website gives the opposite perspective and lists its sources. I don't think people ought to police the resources she could access, even if you believe the OP can't distinguish fact from opinion.
Lady I was responding to Wordfactory. However, as said, happy to have a my specific errors re the law explained to me via PM to keep it off the thread.

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

beattheodds please begin a new thread, you are being very irresponsible airing your campaign on this thread.

it is totaly irrelevent and misguided at the best.

[Noqontrol]

I came across that website a few months ago whilst doing some research, and spent some time reading it in absolute disbelief. It is the biggest pile of inaccurate shite I have ever read. It would not help the ops case at all to use that as a reliable reference point.

[BeatTheOdds]

Troll, not a campaign, just my views, and I'm not the only person who has disagreed with you and wordfactory etc. I was responding to a particular post aimed at me. But if you want to keep it off the thread, I suggest you stop posting messages to me on the thread.

[SandyMumsnet]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all you support and kind words for the OP.

We would like to direct you back to the original post and ask you to focus on the OP's question.

Thanks.

[butterfingerz]

Hi op, how is contact with your son going? I have heard that bringing structured activities like a jigsaw puzzle or some crayons + colouring book to do together can give focus to the contact.

Also it helps give the appearance to whoever is supervising contact that the time you are spending with your son is 'quality contact', if you see what I mean.

[Lougle]

Good idea, butterfingerz. DistressedMum, I hope you are getting some really good advice in RL, for both you and your DS.

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

was just signing in to see how things are OP? that sounds like a great idea butterfingerz.

[mamadoc]

I've spent the past 2 years trying to help a friend in a similar situation.
Sadly it didn't end well and her DD has been placed for adoption.
Some of the things you say are ringing all sorts of alarm bells so I post the following to maybe help your outcome be different:

1. Admit the full truth
   

She was severely criticised by the judge for not owning up to the full extent of her parenting failures and appearing to constantly blame others/ outside circumstances. The judge took the view that if she was not truly admitting responsibility she would not be able to change. In this thread you appear to blame variously your own family, your ex, this 'friend', housing dept, police, social workers BUT the buck stops with you to protect your son. Your attitude needs to genuinely be, 'I was wrong, I want to change, I will do everything necessary.' And this needs to reflect in actions.

1. Be pro-active in making changes before the parenting assessment takes place.
   

Stop drinking entirely, stop dating entirely, risk assess all friends and stop contact with anyone SS won't approve of. Book a parenting course at Surestart now. Ask GP to refer you for psychotherapy. You won't get a 2nd chance. She did go on parenting courses and got individual counselling through a charity and then NHS. Sadly this was perceived to be too little too late. Re-assessment was refused. Do these things now.

1. Get RL support.
   

She is a single parent, estranged from family and DDs father, brought up in care etc. This went badly against her. Friends (like me) are all very well but even best intentioned, nice people eg neighbour won't want to be named in SS docs etc. as your only support network- way too much pressure. I think you need your family ie your mum to get massively on board.

1. Don't fall out with them.
   

Friend had stand up rows with SW. Maybe not surprising as they'd removed her child she would hate them but that is not the way to win. They are not on your side but they are on your child's side. It is not their job to be nice to you but it is worth listening to what they're saying. You are harming no-one but yourself if you get angry and defensive. The statement will be made 'unable to accept advice or work with services.'

Best of luck.

[LurkingAndLearningLovesCats]

Succinctly put mama, exactly what I was attempting to say only much, much more precise!

I suggest you save that post OP, hope all is well.

[DistressedMumHELP]

Contact has been going well, and i have been taking him things he particularly likes, his favourite books etc to read to him, his car keys I have been interacting, playing, talking to him, there are heaps of toys at the contact centre.

I am admitting that i didnt do enough to protect him, and I have to accept that i cant change the past but need to look at what i can do to make sure that it never happens again

I am assessing my friends, and dating is way out of my head. I havent touched a drop of alcohol since my son was taken away from me.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and was going to ask to be referred to psychiatric reviews and mental health. Solicitors again on Monday cos it had to be transferred over to a new one.

I am asking for everything i can. Have asked to be referred for the freedom programme and for counselling via social services.

[DistressedMumHELP]

All the family i have is my mum, my dad died when i was a baby due to throat cancer, this was no one's fault, my grandmothers were both dead before i was born as was my dad's dad and my mums' dad died 3weeks 4 days after my dad. I was 15months old.

Me and my sister dont get on

[LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange]

If your sister was physically abusive as you've said and I saw you mention in another thread she was with you when you were going somewhere, I would cut contact with her.

[DistressedMumHELP]

I have cut contact with her, i was only trying to keep things "nice" for my mum's sake, but she wont be nice so i cant be arsed with her honestly

[snapespeare]

Wishing you all the best OP. I think mamadoc has excellent advice, please do listen.