DH has no patience with new baby - PND?

[Snowboarder]

We have 2 DC, DS1 is 16 months and generally a joy to be with, although this wasn't always so as he had horrendous reflux for the first 6 months. DS2 is 8 weeks old and is 'high needs' (possibly also has reflux). As a result one of us has to hold him for most of the time, he cries a lot when not being held and DH and I sleep separately so I can co-sleep.

DS2 was a 'surprise' but very much wanted (we had IVF for DS1), I'll admit he is bloody hard work BUT he is just a tiny baby and won't be this way forever. DH has zero patience though and doesn't really interact with him at all (unless asked!) - if he cries he gets really stressed, and he seems very unwilling to spend time with us. He will often go out with DS1 on the pretext of giving me 'a break' but I can tell its just because he can't cope with the baby.

Over the weekend he was miserable and kept making arsey comments about us 'living the dream' etc. I tried to remind him that new babies are hard work and that we'd been through it once with DS1 so should know what to expect but it fell on deaf ears.

I am finding things difficult at the moment as I am getting very little sleep (as EBF) and often looking after both babies (DS1 can't walk yet) all day by myself. I am taking ADs though and trying my best whereas I don't feel DH is. I am starting to reset him - or is this harsh? It's hard for him too I know but he's just making things so much worse for us all. Maybe he has male PND but I know he'd never admit as much.

Sorry for the whinge.

Just to add, DH does pull his weight around the house and does lots with DS1 who he dotes on - its just the baby he can't cope with. I know he will get there eventually when the baby is bigger/ easier but it seems a long way off.

Hmm you seem to be getting very little support, he no doubt finds it hard but to take that stress out on others is not okay, I mean do you sit there and make snide remarks?

I'm sure you're idea of living the dream was not dealing with essentially 3 children one who opts out of parenting 'coz its hard.

I would talk to him , maybe start with 'I know you're great with DS1 but not with DS2?.

I know how you feel my DH wasnt a baby person at all, shouted at me if DS2 cried, had no emotion at all, wasnt happy holding him, hated his constant waking just hated not being in control. There are no photos of us as a family with newborns, he never talks about it, just glad that stage is over.

I just think its not all mens idea of fun or enjoyment, he enjoyed DS1 when he turned 5, DS2 is 3 is ok with him but until he's a bit older then I have to put up with it.

If a friend has a baby he wont make any effort to see it, def wont hold it and couldnt care.

Yes, he could be down now that his life has changed again. I was very down with DS2 after a crash section but I just have rubbish memories of this time. OH wasnt happy either.

Its a very stressful time and not everyone has this flood of love and care. Many of us get down with it but unsure whether ADs are the answer (I have lots of experience of depression).

Is there family help just so you can get a break, get organised and have a breather?

you meant PND for you didn't you ?

which is of course, far more likely to occur if you are not getting adequate support from your partner, and whom in fact appears to acting worse than the baby that is allegedly giving him so many problems

" I am starting to reset him - or is this harsh?"

No, that's not harsh. It's perfectly understandable considering you're caring for two babies who need above average levels of care, and have a DH who seems to think it's acceptable to act like a sulky teenager.

Thanks for your replies.

Bacon - I agree that DH isn't a fan of the newborn stage, and if I'm honest neither am I really. I sort of see it as a means to getting a scrummy dimpled toddler but that said, I still love DS2 and try my very best with him as I know this stage is difficult but ultimately short in the grand scheme of things.

I know DH will be better when the baby is a bit more responsive and less high needs but I don't know if I can cope with this horrible atmosphere until then. Luckily our eldest spends 2 mornings a week at nursery so I get SOME chance to rest, albeit looking after the baby.

AnyFucker/ saskia, I think I do have mild/ moderate PND, and I am on ADs to try and cope with it. I think that's why this is hard - I am trying so bloody hard right now to keep everything together for our family and I do feel DH is playing the 'woe is me' card.