Do you ever let your DC see that they've upset you?

[bean612]

I've been wondering about this lately. DD is nearly 3.9 and while she is often an absolute love, she can occasionally be absolutely vile (like many 3YO, I guess). Today was one of those days - shouting, screaming till she was purple in the face, chucking stuff around, saying horrible things ('I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, you're a horrible mummy', etc) - all for some tiny petty reason I can't remember (and very much doubt she did either, once she'd kicked off).

Anyway, I was tired, am PG and hormonal, and had had such a nice day/weekend with her that the sudden outburst felt like a full-on assault. I tried speaking to her calmly but it only made her worse, and I just burst into tears. I try not to cry in front of her for various reasons, but occasionally can't help myself - either because she's just being so unbearable, or out of sheer despair. So - do you think it's always a no-no to let her see she's got to me this much? Part of me thinks that the odd occasion might actually be instructive - she's old enough to be developing empathy skills and maybe she should actually see how upsetting her behaviour can be. On the other hand, don't tears put you in a weak position, when as the parent you should be strong? And also run the risk of upsetting your DC (even if it's not at a conscious/visible level) as they rely on you to remain emotionally level in order to feel safe?

I agree with what you said. It doesn't hurt for her to learn that her actions can upset others.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yes. Sometimes children have to learn cause and effect - especially where people's feelings are concerned.

Yes. If it is an honest and spontaneous reaction.

A friend of mine used to tell her dc at bedtime how much they had upset her and 'ruined her day'. Awful.

Yes. Most recently after I had lost my temper and shouted at DS; I asked myself why I was shouting (answer: because he had really hurt my feelings and I was on the brink of tears) and decided it was better to let him see that than to see him be afraid of my shouty face without really knowing why.

I grew up in quite an emotionally constipated family though, and really don't want my kids to live the same way. It's hard work going against that conditioning but I would rather they know that emotions are wide ranging and sometimes difficult to handle, even for adults.

Yes, but as Pag said, only if it's honest. Never in a manipulative way. At 34w pregnant and with a 2.5yo, sometimes I've been unable to stop the tears bubbling up when things get on top of me. We're potty training DD and when she had an accident a few weeks ago I got upset (we were travelling the following week and I had hoped she would have cracked it by then). She noticed I was upset, and the next time she used the potty successfully she shouted "Mummy I done a poo in potty you really happy now? You not sad anymore?" Bless her

I had this yesterday, DD aged4 had a bedtime meltdown and didn't love me anymore because I was trying to get her pjs on. I'm 40w pg so really affected me. Once she'd calmed down we had a chat and apologised to each other, me for shouting and her for saying hurtful things and why we did and then a hug and kiss. I've found this is the best way for us to understand each other and try to avoid the same situation in future.

Yes- a few months ago dd 'borrowed' (stole) my nail varnish when she should have been in bed and painted her feet, hands and lots of bed linen.

I was trying to scrub it off with newborn ds screaming downstairs and just burst into tears. Of course that then made dd cry too but it did seem to hit home how naughty she'd been.

When my ds1 (aged 7) says he's going to kill me when he's older or when he's lied over and over or when I've caught him hurting the dog yet again or when his general daily hostility just gets too much or when he has yet another hysterical meltdown because I will not let him use my iPad, then yes, sometimes I feel myself well up or rush out of the room.

He's too much for me. Far cleverer too.

Winky

oh winky :(

OP, yes I do. I am not ashamed of having feelings. If I can show them that I am angry then surely I shouldn't be ashamed of showing them that they made me sad.

pag's scenario is horrible :( Bedtime is for love and kisses and cuddling. It might take a while to get there, but we get there.

Yes.

I think it helps him understand that parents are real live humans too, not some seperate species that can in the future be treated in a way you wouldn't dream of treating anybody else.

Oh, Winky - that's hard. I'm sorry. Maybe it's just teenage hormones starting early (and hopefully finishing early, too). Do you get any kind/cuddly stuff to balance it out? I really hope so.

Thanks, ladies, for your reassurance - I did really wonder if it was just me being weak and pathetic. Not that I mind being 'weak', per se, more that I was worried about it upsetting DD/undermining her sense of security. Or making her aware that she could make me cry, and might possibly use it to manipulate situations.

I agree with pag and others - everything should be resolved and forgiven by bedtime, no matter how hard it is. Imagine the last thing you think of before going to sleep being how 'horrid' you are. That makes me so sad.

Yes - it does a child good to see their actions have consequences.

DS is 2 and yes, I let him see when I'm upset or I tell him that what he's done has made me sad. Sometimes he starts crying but we always have a brief chat about what went wrong and how it can be made right, have a cuddle and move on. I think it's good for him and me.