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Original poster

im not going to lie, im struggling...

68 replies

spacecadet · 13/03/2006 16:35

..since h left, ive been struggling with 4 kids alone and no support, i dont want sympathy, i know im not the only lone parent but i literally have no one and im exhausted.
ds1 refuses to go to school
ds2 refuses to go to school and i get hysterics every night before bed from him because he misses his dad.
dd2 will not go to bed at night, ive tried controlled crying etc.
she wakes up every hour on the hour and then wants to get up at 4.30, i could dioe from lack of sleep. then she steams around all day, destroying the house and climbing on every thing, today she has not slept at all today.
ds2 is missing his sleep at night too because of dd and subsequently is unbearable.
both he and dd are quite destructive and ive given up with their bedroom, it looks like its been burgled.
ds2 seems to find pens everywhere, no matter where i hide them, then him and dd set about re-decorating the house.
today dd was climbing on the telly and ds was upstairs trashing his bedroom and ive just sat here and sobbed.

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nutcracker · 13/03/2006 17:12

Oh dear SC you sound a bit like me except you have one more so even tougher.

I can't understand why I am finding it so hard when Xp did sod all with them anyway.

Can't really offer much advice cos I am not doing so well at it my self really.

Would Homestart or someone help ??

I am lucky in that I at least have my mum to babysit if I do want to go out.

XXX

CountessDracula · 13/03/2006 17:28

Have you tried Gingerbread? They may be able to point you in the direction of someone who can offer you some respite and advice

Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 17:38

mercy-i wouldnt like any involvement from social services, thanks.

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Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 17:39

sorry, 14 year old is dd
11 year old is ds
sorry i didnt make that clear.

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Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 17:56

countessdracula-i dont think there is a gingerbread contact local to me.
thanks every one for your lovely replies.
mercy-i wasnt being funny about not wanting help from social services, its just, all i need is some help, a break, i dont need a social worker.
im just finding it hard to adjust to being on my own.

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Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 19:48

i think i will go and see the doc as its pretty obvious i guess that im depressed.
ive sat and cuddled dd2 on the sofa this evening and i feel so guilty for being a bad tempered old hag earlierSad
im a horrible mother.

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BudaBabe · 13/03/2006 19:55

Get one thing straight SC - you are NOT a horrible mother. You have been through the mill and then some. It would knock anyone for six.

I think you are so tired and depressed you can't thing straight. The doc is a good idea. You are bound to be depressed.

Wish I could help.

Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 19:58

you were a great help sending me those vitamins budababe.
i am exhausted, i just want to sleep.

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popsycalindisguise · 13/03/2006 20:02

any local colleges nearby that do nursery nursing? They might have some 16-18 uear olds who need experience??

popsycalindisguise · 13/03/2006 20:02

any local colleges nearby that do nursery nursing? They might have some 16-18 uear olds who need experience??

TearsBeforeBedtime · 13/03/2006 20:02

you're not horrible, toddlers are sent to try us and then some! you're absolutely knackered - H never gave you a chance to recover properly from the pneumonia before swanning off. as other posters have said, H should be doing some of the childcare himself, but distance does make that a pain to arrange even if he were willing to get his finger out. Going to see doc is good idea - he can do the obvious checks for physical things as well, and your HV might be helpful, or at least know what sort of help is available locally.

Mercy · 13/03/2006 20:05

Spacecadet, no problem.

SServices can put you in touch with the right people though, they are not neccessarily about intervention, far from it.

God, it's times like this I wish I could drive.

Baja · 13/03/2006 20:05

god your poor poor thing.
There are therapeutic associations in London that would know of a local therapist or counsellor who could either help you/and or the 5of you.
You're right to see your doc, but if he prescribes you anti depressants and they dont' feel like they're working don't feel shy to go back and get a different type.
You need to do whatever you feel you want to do right now, to hell with the house, the tidying, the order, throw it all out the window and get away to your aunt's with your kids just to get a change of scene and to break the pattern of destruction and despair.

Baja · 13/03/2006 20:07

sorry i forgot to put down the institutions, BACP - british association of counsellors and pyschotherapists - IGA - institute of group analaysis.
Don't be put off by the words, think of them as support, and group work is really good and could put you in touch with people who have had a similar experience which will at least make you feel that you're not a alone.

Rhubarb · 13/03/2006 20:08

See if there is a \link{http://www.netmums.com\Netmums} in your local area. They list local organisations that can help too.

Bugsy2 · 13/03/2006 20:22

Spacecadet, when ex-H left me I became depressed and the children went nuts too. I took anti-depressants for 18 months and I had to take DS to see a child pyschologist, it was really rough.
You have all my sympathy, particularly given that your situation is made even tougher with your own health probs & the fact you are looking after 4 children.
I would tell anyone who could possibly help you. Definitely tell your GP, tell the health visitor, tell homestart - tell anyone. Is your ex doing anything at all, or has he abandoned his children completely? Can't you make him take his kids for a weekend?
Wish I could help.

Miaou · 13/03/2006 20:23

spacey, I have no advice or practical support to offer you, but am sending you a ((((((hug)))))) because you need it and you are not a horrible mum, you are a fab mum who is having a horrible time at the moment. So there.

Tipex · 13/03/2006 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggglimpopo · 13/03/2006 20:47

SC, I had four children a bit younger than yours when I got divorced. I relied very heavily on the older ones - in that they had no choice but to help and muck in - and I made it clear that we were a team and that was how we would "survive". They learned to routinely lay the table, hoover, take out the rubbish and do stuff that one person alone would run ragged doing.

I also quickly realised that a key tactic was getting the little ones to bed early so that I had some time to myself.... I was vile (I like to think firm!) and relentless - they learnt that once in bed they stayed in bed and nothing (short of puking or utterly dire need) would persuade me to let them get up till breakfast time Wink.

I was in France alone and had no one to help. I was bloody lonely and did often wonder what the hell I had done; four kids are hard work on the practical front and when you are not on form emotionally it can be hell. Be kind to yourself and try to enjoy them - and hey, your freedom - carpe diem and all that. I am back on msn if you need me (orgasmic new computer up and running).

harpsichordcarrier · 13/03/2006 20:52

sc Sad is there any way, any way at all, you could get some respite care? I agree with others who say that the priority has to be sorting out the sleep problem. But you could really do with some help for that - but even if you can't get any I would say tackle that one and the rest will seem esaier to deal with.
lack of sleep sends us all a bit peculiar.
you are not a failure
you are doing a fantastic job in incredibly difficult circumstances
sending you all love
HC xx

BudaBabe · 13/03/2006 20:57

Sorry SC - not ignoring you - DS was calling.

The exhaustion and wanting to sleep are a symptom of depression as well as a result of what you are going through. Please go to the doc. You need some help to get through this.

Re the children. I know they are going through it as well but your older 2 are old enough to sit down for a "family meeting" and explain how badly you are feeling. And give them little jobs to do. Make the point the if the help a bit more with some stuff you will have less on your plate and therefore more energy for some nicer stuff. And there will be less arguing. They are old enough to understand that they have to pull together for the family.

Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 20:59

rhubarb-the nearest netmums is huntingdon which is 20 miles away but it wont hurt to investigate, thanks.
the daft thing is, i have lots of rl friends, but they either work them selves or have busy lives.

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Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 21:01

i sadly couldnt go and stay with my aunt, she works full time and only has 2 bedrooms, but she has said that if i lived near her, she would babysit at weekends etc.

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Original poster
spacecadet · 13/03/2006 21:03

budababe-i will go to the doc.
gglimpopo, when he first went, i was doing really well and was feeling quite smug, but it all seems to have unravelled since thenSad

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anniebear · 13/03/2006 21:03

sorry to hear you are struggling

xxx