Should I interfere or not?

[mudsweatandtears]

My friend has 3 children the youngest being 14 months old, last week she was hospitalised for 3 days with constipation and an impacted bowel. This has been an ongoing problem since she was weaned and she been to the gp and had laxatives prescribed. I know we all have different ways of raising children but I believe all her problems stem from her diet. It is usual for her to have a bottle of cows milk for breakfast, crisps and a chocolate bar for lunch and chips/sandwich/ takeaway for tea and then another bottle of milk before bed. She rarely gets offered any juice or water to drink during the day so I bought a baby cup for when she comes round my house and she will drink 2 cups straight off. When questioned by a nutritionist in hospital she lied and said the baby eats fruit, vegetables, fish and pasta. I have tried suggesting she buys some bananas, prunes, apricots but she just agrees with me and doesn't do it. I took them out for lunch last week and the baby ate a sandwich, yoghurt and banana and thoroughly enjoyed them so the problem isn't a fussy baby. I was hoping the stay in hospital and having her baby screaming for 3 days would be the wake up call she needed but nothing had changed. When we met today she had a packet of quavers and an energy drink for her lunch. She also said the baby hasn't pooed for 2 days. So has anyone got any ideas how I can help my friend understand how much she has got to change her ways? Another friend who knows the situation wants to report her to social services as she considers this child abuse. I don't want to get her in trouble but this situation can't carry on without doing the baby long term damage. Any ideas please?

Christ! I dont envy you that decision!! In my experience, once people get blinkered like that its very hard to change their ways. She clearly knows what she should be doing to give the 'right' answer to the healthcare professionals. So the sad truth is, she knows she should change the diet and she cant be arsed despite the consequences. So your dilemma really is whether or not to report her yourself.

Yes that is my huge dilemma! This is my best friend that I've known for over 20 years but I can't sit back and let her do this. I do wonder if she has some form of depression as her own personal hygene and appearance have really gone down hill. I've toyed with the idea of going round to her mums to discuss it with her or maybe phoning her health visitor and explaining the situation but as I've done the safeguarding children training through work I know this will all lead to social services involvement.

Have you broached it directly with your friend? I would be tempted to respond to the 'she hadnt pooed for two days' with 'well have you tried introducing the fresh fruit I suggested?' Do you think there is a chance that she is avoiding altering her child's diet because of the attention she receives due to her child being ill? If so, she needs some professional help. It just seems mad to me that there she knows that food is the issue but is doing nothing to help.You are in such an awful position. I would be tempted to inform the child's GP. Sorry, not much help.

You need to sit down with this mother and have a very strong and honest conversation. Spell it out to her simply - she is causing her child health problems due to the bad deit she is providing. If she doesn't sort it out you will consider further action. Tell her that you will help her in anyway you can to sort out this issue but If she doesn't take onboard what you say You will be very tempted to ring social services. It really isn't difficult to provide your baby with a healthy diet.

I would report it. Apart from the constipation issue, if the baby is having chips, crisps and takeaways daily she will be getting far too much salt for a child of her age, which could really damage her kidneys. It sounds like your friend needs a bit of professional support with her parenting.

i would go to the health visitor. i really would.

this isn't a case of her not knowing any better is it? because she lies and tells them what she thinks they want to know, she's been given advice and she isn't taking it.

anything you say will just be ignored by her.

Ps ringing the health visitor is a very good idea as a first step - please do it.

do the older children eat the same diet?

I think maybe there's a clue in what you say about this mums self care - maybe she is struggling more than you realise.

If her child has been hospitalised due to diet failings and she remiss indifferent then there's a big problem here.

Wheres dad is he around? Could you speak to him? I recommend taking to the HV but if you feel really uncomfortable her mum is a good start. If you have known her 20 years I assume you I iw her mum quite well?
Feel for you also - criticising a friends patenting/feeding is really hard. I have friend with a dc who hardly sleeps which they feed tons of sweets etc to - am I brave enough to point this out? Am I hell!

Yes the older children have been brought up on a diet of sweets and takeaways but apart from them having rotten teeth and having to have major dental work it doesn't seem to have caused them any health problems. I have sort of tried being direct with her and saying shouldn't she be changing her diet instead if giving her laxatives but she just lies to me and says the baby doesn't like proper food. She laughs at me because I am just starting to wean my 6 month old baby on mushed fruit and vegetables and she says "oh you won't be doing that for long, the novelty soon wears off". I think I will give the health visitor a ring on Monday and see if she will discuss it with me, but in the mean time I will suggest she comes round to my house for lunch tomorrow and then I can feed the baby some proper food.

I would speak to her and also tell her how her behaviour is making you feel. Help her to understand that you cannot sit by and see her destroy her baby's life. You would not be able to live with yourself.

She needs to be spoken to very firmly. If she still continues the abuse, then you should speak to social services. This is a baby who is vulnerable and unable to fight her cause. A responsible person needs to stand up for this child.

The dad is sort of on/off in the childs life, he has some anger issues and has had depression in the past and he finds the baby screaming really difficult to deal with. I'm convinced if she wasn't constipated she wouldn't scream as much and he would be more comfortable around her. The more I think about it the more I think she needs someone like a health visitor to go round, it might give her the push she needs to change things and they would notice how dirty the house is and the lack of a fire guard and stair gates. I think all these things might show the health visitor that my friend really needs some professional support.

You should definitely make ss aware of the problem, this little girl will suffer serious long term health consequences otherwise. Your friend needs to understand how selfish, nasty and abusive she is being, she is knowingly harming her daughter, she won't genuinely care though, people like that never do, they only think of themselves.

She's not ignorant as she happily lies to health professionals about the food she gives her so she knows she's doing wrong, mental illness can't be used as an excuse, she is completely aware of the harm she is doing and lies to hide it. Either she's a very lazy, unfeeling person and couldn't give a shit about her child or she is a sociopath who enjoys the harm she is causing her and the power she has over her. She doesn't need help, her children do. Nothing is going to make a woman who purposely makes her child seriously ill and in pain, love her child. Such a cruel person is pure evil and has no ability to love.

Hopefully they'll be removed from her.

Hmm. Harsh but reaslistic. Sorry this person has been your friend Mudsweat :(

Ring her HV, tell her how it is. It's probably got to the stage where you'd be best leaving it to the professionals. Though I'd go down the HV route first and let them decide whether to inform SS.

What about arranging a babysitter/care for the kids. Taking her out for a day/outing without kids and somewhere along the line say I've noticed you are a bit stressed is there anything wrong at the moment? Can I help? and see what happens. If nothing changes then maybe ring HV at least you might have more info. There might be many reasons she is not coping, if you have know her for 20 years it might be worth a go.

3 kids one 14 months is hard.

I have been a member of mumsnet for a year, found it really helpful as a first time mum, but this is the first time I am posting. This is an awful situation to find yourself in, but it is worse for the child, she has no advocate, no-one who will speak for her and a mother that is incapable or unwilling to do what is in the best interests of this child. From what I read, you have tried, your friend is lying and its time to get some professional help for this child. I hope the child recovers from this.