Sniping and nastiness between siblings

[theredhen]

I'm an only child and my DS has been an only for years too.

We now live full time with my partners daughter and part time with his other 3 children.

One thing I have noticed is although none of the children really argue (I was expecting this!) they just snipe at each other. The eldest four are all teens, and the youngest is 9.

So I was expecting whinges of "she took my hairbrush/game/new top", followed by a bit of shouting etc. but what we seem to get is "oh god, you're not playing that are you, you're so sad" to DS playing a board game with me and DP. Or when I'm helping DSD with homework, "can't you even do that yet?" from her sister. Even the youngest takes great delight in trying to get me to agree that X/Y or Z is not as good as her at A/B or C. The eldest snipes at me and her father too. Putting down things like what cutlery I lay the table with to what car I drive.

There are constant nasty put downs and I really dislike it. It's not unusual for any of them to say anything nice to each in other in a day and the dinner table is just a constant round of one up man ship being batted around the table roughly disguised as "just having fun" and "teasing". It doesn't feel nice and I don't like it but having not had much personal experience of siblings, is this normal?

Very normal I'd say - sorry. And particularly in 'blended' families where the children might be struggling to adjust or feeling jealous of new siblings. I grew up with 3 brothers (1 biological and 2 step) and this sounds very familiar.

I sympathise..I'm an only, and my 3 have raised this to an art form I think all siblings have by aged 8 as my husband tells me its normal....

"I'm not surprised you don't have a girlfried, you're sooo immature"
"It wouldn't sound so bad if you could actually sing"
"Your toes look gross"

However, it's usually when their bored or in a mood about something else or on the M1 and every so often I tell them that they are all being "ghastly" and banish them one/all of them to their rooms for half an hour, which gives ma a respite, even if its not a cure!

Bet lots of posters will come on to moan about just how normal it is....

I suppose like so many things, it needs jumping on a bit from the parents and that's not happening.

I'm also used to having a boy and both boys in our house, do this less but more of the physical naughtiness or general grumpiness and I find both of those easier to deal with as it seems simpler than little snide comments, that just seem to get "slipped into conversation".

Totally normal my sister and i were having a bitching match earlier went like this

Her: i need to lose weight
Me: come to zumba with me then lazy arse
Her: so i can be obsessed like you wierdo
Me: won't be saying i'm wierd when i'm a size 8 n ur still a chub chub
Her: you'll always be fat in my eyes

My mum ended up jumping in to tell us to shut up i'm 26 she's 23, we are now txting about how cute her DD is singing in the bath

I'm one of three and have three children and whilst there is loads of bickering and sniping-I would actually interfere with quite a lot of the comments you've quoted as they sound rude and rather unkind! Even if it's just 'ahem, yes-thank you, that's enough' kind of thing.

Depends on the family. We used to bicker and fight (I am eldest of 4) but not liek you've desscribed, and not everyday. Sometimes we'd fall out and be mean -usually if we had friends over to play actually! but none of us would ever have said the homework thing.

What does your dp say?

My 11 yo DD1 has started doing this and I am operating a zero tolerance policy. I will not bloody have it, and she is already learning this.
And DD2 is also being sat on re her snidey little comments, which she tends to throw out when DD1 is trying to be genuinely nice.

We're getting there.

Like I say, they don't really fight buy its just constant put downs and negativitity towards each other. Other people say I'm lucky they don't fight but simply not bring able to have a "normal" conversation is really hard!

Dp is very protective and says its nothing but harmless "fun", as do the children on the few times I've pulled them on it.

I'm big into kindness and treating other people as yourself etc, i was also a srnsitive child that would have neen upset by it, so I really struggle with it whereas I think some people would be more accepting.

Ds has been told he's going to die a virgin because he's such a geek, dsd4 has been told she's too stupid to be anything but a wag, dp has been told his job is pointless and rubbish (a senior management position), dss been told he's sad for not hanging out with friends and staying in, I've had everything from my car to my clothing and body shape criticised, I could go on and on.

Red hen, whilst I think it is really normal to snipe to give oneself a boost when you need it (my sister and I did it all the time and even my 3 year old has just started a 3-year-old equivalent), what you are describing does sound more like teenagers finding it hard to adjust to the new situation.
I´m afraid I don´t know anything about helping family members adjust to a blended family situation but hopefully someone else can offer some ideas on that. Otherwise, I´d recommend the old favourite "Siblings without rivalry". But, I´m sure there are loads of books specifically on blended families and how to help kids adjust.

When I first read you r post OP I did think it sounded like normal sibling stuff but reading on it's just God Damn Rude. To snipe at each other is one thing but to comment on their dad's job and your car/clothes etc. it disrespectful and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. Saying that I have no idea how to go about handling a situation with step children.

We get it a bit from ds1 (6) at the moment towards his little brother (4.5).
"littlest curly can't do times tables yet can he mummy?"
"littlest curly can't write properly yet can he mummy?"
"littlest curly can't ride his bike without stabilisers yet can he mummy?"

It gets v v v v v v annoying.