What age did you teach your DC about stranger danger, and what was your approach?

[whenyouseeitwaveorcheer]

I've been thinking recently about the fact that I've never talked to DD1 (just turned 4) about 'stranger danger' (for want of a better term)

She starts school next month and I'm thinking now might be the time to bring it up. Just wondered what others did?

I'm being a bit head in the sand about it because it almost feels like taking her innocence away to have to discuss it. But logically of course I know it's part of my responsibility as a parent and I have to do the right thing to protect her.

Anyone got any tips?

I'm by no means an expert but I have talked a little to my DD1 about it. She is 3.5. I just said that she shouldn't talk to people she doesn't know if Mummy or Daddy aren't around, and if someone does something she's not happy about she should scream at the top of her voice and run away.

We will probably talk about it again soon, my method is little and often, and we talk about all sorts together.

It's a really tricky one this. My thoughts are that 4 is maybe too young for the following reasons:

Most abuse comes from friends or family not strangers. So it follows that 'stranger danger' is not the primary worry. But I don't think a 4 year old can grasp the fact that a known person might be abusive.

Explaining these things to a child before they can grasp them could be very confusing and damaging to their confidence.

Young children are less likely to be in a situation where things can happen without parents knowledge. They are still supervised by key carers all the time- they don't get released from the classroom until their teacher sees their parent/ carer, they don't go out unsupervised etc..

I do think that some key messages are worth discussing though. Such as there should never be secrets from mummy or daddy, no one should ever ask them to do that.

Interested to hear what the MN consensus is.....

Don't focus on "strangers", it's not a helpful distinction for small children. I told DS not to go anywhere with anyone without checking with me or daddy first, or with his teacher if he was at school. Make sure she knows who will be picking her up from school, and what to do if you're not there - eg to go back and tell the teacher/supervisor.

And, generally, that it's ok to be rude and make a fuss if she feels uncomfortable about what someone is doing or saying.

Small children don't know who is a stranger, and are more at risk from people they talk to regularly, so general rules are better.

Oh yes "secrets" is an important one - the only kind of secrets that are ok are "good secrets" like if you know what daddy is buying mummy for her birthday. But you'll never be cross if she tells you something that someone said was a secret, because sometimes its very important for mummy/daddy/teacher to know things because they can look after children best if they know things.

Thanks all. Off to bed now, will have a proper read and reply in the morning.

I explained to dd (aged 4) that there are some not very nice people in the world. She understands about crime and prison etc, so I just left it at that. She often wants to stay in the car when I go into the shops, or lets herself out of the front door to look for her friend (our neighbour).

She (unfortunately) is not the kind of child who will just accept a "no" - she wants answers as to why, and will ask repetitively. I explained that the naughty people might want to talk to her, or ask her to go with them - and if I wasnt close by I couldnt call the police or stop them, or tell her not to go.

She accepted this without question - i think children do accept facts in a very blase manner, they don't get overly anxious or worried, but sometimes you do have to warn them about potential dangers.

IMO its just like explaining not to go close to the cliffs as they might fall off, or into the sea without mummy because even though they can swim, the sea is strong, or not to touch dogs without asking the owners as not all are kind.

It is a sad fact of life that some people are dangerous, and whilst I wouldnt want to explain to dd what the "naughty people" might do (she thinks steal or hit or crash cars) or describe them as "dangerous", I do think that giving them information on staying safe is a very important part of growing up.

I took the approach that I would worry if I didn't know where they were.

So they were never to go through a doorway (vehicle or building) unless mummy ir daddy (or one trusted named friend) had said it was OK. Even the friend of a parent offering them a lift should phone me first so I knew where they were (useful example, as they could easily imagine how worried I would be if I turned up after they'd left and didn't know where they'd gone).

This was in tandem with messages that most people are kind and good, but some people are baddies but you cannot tell which is which just by looking. Also, that if they were lost, they should look for a member of staff in uniform, or a mummy with small children, or go into a shop and ask a course member of staff to ring mummy and say where they were. I drilled them in reciting my molie number from early on. It's scary to imagine losing mummy, but less worrying if drilled - and far less worrying than the prospect of child abductors.

Also, with the boys, I had a loo drill that they were to go in, do the necessary and leave without speaking to anyone, and if they were more than 5 minutes I'd embarrass the heck out of them by coming in after them.

I still repeat all this, even though the youngest is now 8 and they roll their eyes and say they know all this and shut up mummy.

They were of an age where they noticed the McCann coverage, so the idea that someone might take you away from your parents was scary in itself. You need to stress that it's rare, though.

I agree don't focus on strangers only

I have a ds the same age as your dd and I have said to him about if anyone tells you have to kiss them, hug them etc and you don't want to then it is fine to say no (had to speak about that as we do have some relatives quite forceful and i just dont want my dc to believe that they are not allowed to say no)

obviously it can be seen as rude by relatives when kids do say no dont want to give a kiss etc so have tried to explain to him that you should be polite and say hello or give salam (we are muslim) but do not have to kiss people or physical contact if you are uncomfy

• the basic message of this supposed to be about you have a right to say no to any physical things, even if it is someone older than you in the family, and even if they act like they have a right over you that noone actually has a right to force you like this if you are not comfy, and that mum is not cross if you say no

as for strangers ive just said when we are out you need to stay with me as you never know, if you get lost might meet someone who is unkind??

the secrets thing is an important one too which i still need to speak to my ds about as ive not covered that one. i think the thing to emphasise is that they can tell us anything and we wont be angry with them for telling it, whatever it is??

its hard to know how exactly to approach this but i dont think 4 is too young. almost the earlier the better really? we dont have to scare them, telling them that it is okay to say no, and can tell mum anything will not scare them it should make them feel more safe

My DD1 is the same age as yours. I don't plan to talk about 'stranger danger' for a while yet, but have discussed a few related issues, e.g.

Not having secrets from Mum/Dad, unless it's birthdays or Christmas.
If someone makes you feel upset or uncomfortable, you can always tell us.
Having the right to say no to physical contact e.g hugs, kisses. And respecting other's rights to say no as well. (Usually along the lines of 'x doesn't have to hold your hand if he doesn't want to').

And more general safety rules about staying close when we're out, what to do if she did get lost etc.

DS was 2. I told him that he couldn't run off when we were out in case a bad man tried to take him. Quickly regretted this approach when he shouted at an old man in Tesco 'no don't take me away!'

When my dd was about 4 or 5yo I had a chat with her about never going with anyone who mummy didn't know and also about telling mummy if anyone touched her private parts as they are just for her not for anyone else to touch. It made me feel very that I had to talk to her about it but I am glad I did and we still every now and again have a talk about it.

I haven't and I won't be doing so. Children often don't understand what a stranger is. In addition, a strategy a predator will use is to befriend a child, so they do not view them as a stranger.

Also, what about potentially dangerous people who are known to the child; the next door neighbour, shopkeeper, or even family member? Statistically, people close to your child are more likely to be a threat.

Additionally, talking to strangers is the best strategy a child can have in a situation where they need help. A scared child is easy prey for a predator. I want to raise confident children who trust their instincts about peo

Somebody

Someone at preschool had been discussing 'stranger danger' with DS1 when he was 3ish.
His take home message (which in fairness, was probably not verbatim) was, 'If someone you don't know tries to speak to you, kick them in the leg and scream and run away'

I had a nightmare vision of three quarters of our elderly parish churchgoers laid out in the aisle , bleeding from nasty shin wounds.....

I haven't and I won't be doing so. Children often don't understand what a stranger is. In addition, a strategy a predator will use is to befriend a child, so they do not view them as a stranger.

Also, what about potentially dangerous people who are known to the child; the next door neighbour, shopkeeper, or even family member? Statistically, people close to your child are more likely to be a threat.

Additionally, talking to strangers is the best strategy a child can have in a situation where they need help. A scared child is easy prey for a predator. I want to raise confident children who trust their instincts about people and will ask for help.

Don't teach your child to approach someone in uniform. This is difficult to identify from a child's level and doesn't necessarily mean the person is safe. Teach them to approach a woman with children if they are lost.

Teach them about not going anywhere with anyone.

I have an almost 5 year old and a 7 year old, I have spoken to them about "feeling something isn't right" if someone/anyone asks them to do something etc. I haven't explained that very well but they know what we mean. I have never used the term "stranger danger" but my eldest daughter finished her third year of primary school (she's just turned 7) and just before school broke up, Police Community Relations came in to to a talk and they used the term with them.

Dd2 (4) asked me a few days ago "why that man killed that little girl", I'm assuming she meant Tia Sharpe, she said she'd heard something on the news, it really knocked me for 6 and we had a talk bout it but I wasn't sure how well I handled it.

If we go somewhere like a big park, funfair etc we come up with a plan should we get seperated, I always remember my Mum doing this with me.

Never. They aren't in danger from strangers. And stranger is an impossible concept for must children anyway -to quote my godson "he wasn't a stranger, he had a dog"

The important thing is to teach them that they don't have to be kissed or cuddled if they don't want to be- ( sometimes this one can upset Aunty Mabel) but so be it), that there is absolutely no secret that they have to keep from mum( if anyone asks them to keep a secret that person doesn't mean keeping it from mum.) And no grown up that matters will get upset if they say "no" to them.

wiggle I spen yesterday trying to explain to junior school DS "how an a man rape a boy in a toilet?"

Thanks for the useful advice.