anyone else with too many kids?

[nicknameisalreadyinuse]

background: i only wanted 2 kids. my dh wanted 3. so i had another for him really. the desire wasn't strong within me.

dd3 is now 16 months, dd2 is4 and dd1 is 6.

i'm not coping. i need peace and quiet, i'm an introvert and i can't handle screaming and noise. i do get some help and dh does pull his weight. i feel like i've made a colossal mistake. i love them all, don't get me wrong, but i just can't cope with the demands, noise, conflict and i feel like i'm being pulled apart 4 ways. by the end of the day i just want to climb into the cupboard.

i can't talk to dh about it because he is very capable. never gets stressed. never finds it hard to cope. just doesn't understand why i have hard days.

i can't see my way through this. all i can see is 20 years of this.

i feel that life was perfect when i just had 2.

i know people have far worse problems than me. but any coping strategies would be so appreciated.

Couldn't just read and run.

You sound totally overwhelmed and I feel for you. I only have the one child but come from a family of 3 sisters. My mother's strategy was to send us out of the house for hours at a time, though we lived remote and just hung out in fields for the most part!

I'm not sure what to suggest really. My own DD is 16mo too and she's a handful in some ways. Learning new skills and wanting to try them out all the bloody time. I'm ignoring the dog something chronic, so how you manage with 2 other kids is beyond me.

I'm assuming the 6yo is in school and the 4yo starts this year too? If this is the case, you have a countdown to September when things might get easier for you. Otherwise, physical tiredness could be a plan. Do you have anywhere where they can run themselves into the ground?

Oh heck, I have no idea. Just wanted to stop and write something.

Big hug. However you're coping, you're probably doing better than my own mother. She was an abusive, physically violent woman and lost the plot every single day. The fact you care enough to ask for help makes you a great mother in my opinion.

16 months is hard work, role on about 3.5.

Mine are 8, 6 and 18 months. I love them to bits, we all say that, I also love when the house goes quiet at night but all the things I want to get done in the day which I mentally note to do at this time I'm too shattered to deal with.

I'm learning to say no alot more often to the DC. I can't please them all the time and I do need to pause in quiet once in a while.

Is it towards the end of the summer holidays for you? Mine are like little lost sheep seeking stimulation and it takes time to establish a holiday routine.

Are you a SAHM? I am and I've wondered about putting DD in nursery a half day a week for a bit of sanity time and to enable her to mix with others.

I have various go to things I send the children to do when I need five minutes. The favourite original one was painting the house in magic paint (bucket of water each and big paint brush each). We do drawing and painting competitions, cut up catalogues to make wish lists, I sit them in front of classic movies, let them play on their DS's forthe odd half hour. Fortunately DD likes a long afternoonnap so I can use this time for sanity time.

You are not alone in feeling a bit overwhelmed sometimes and I do seam to remember a feeling when DS2 got to about 3.5 of wow when did things suddenly start to be easier.

for you OP.

I don't have much constructive advice but I wanted to tell you you're not alone. I only have one child (one!) but I have months weeks days where I just don't want to get out of bed, where I don't feel that I can cope, where I don't feel that I'm a good enough mother for them. I don't have PND (any more) I just get overwhelmed sometimes. I cannot imagine doing it with three and I think you're amazing for doing everything that you do.

My DH sounds a lot like yours, ever so chilled and just copes with everything, but I found him surprisingly sympathetic when I told him how I sometimes feel I just can't do it anymore. He did understand, even if he couldn't wholly empathise, and he supported me that little bit more while I got through the darkest bits. Try talking to your DH, you may be pleasantly surprised.

mine are 12, 11 and 6. it doesn't get easier, just different-sorry!

my dh is a grumpy stress head and is like another child.

do you get a break? hobbies etc?

last year i went back to school to do something for me, away from the dc. as a result, im starting uni in september.

im one of 4 and my mum never fails to tell me how 3 was so much easier than 4! so im guessing that the grass is always greener etc!

We decided when DS2 started school that we would send DD (2) to the childminder just for one morning a week. It made a huge difference to my coping with 3, I really desperately needed some time to myself.
We agreed that it didn't matter if I just sat and watched the tv, there was no expectation by either me or DH that I would blitz the housework or some such, just an acknowledgement that looking after 3 kids pretty much full time with no break was just not healthy for any of us.
Also i went back to work part time after all of them even though it wasn't really financially profitable for the first few years.

It's like your talking about me! I also have 3 children dd7, ds3.6 and a 18 week old . I thought by leaving a good gap would be easy but boy was I wrong! Like you sometimes I just want to run away and never come back I love my children don't get me wrong but it's soo hard. I hope everything turns out ok for you xxx

for the messages and the kind words. means the world it really does.

some days are better than others. and sometimes they're all in a good mood at the same time

i tried talking to dh tonight. he doesn't get it. the conversation went nowhere.

i've just got this horrible feeling in my stomach all the time. dreading the next day and the one after that. we're going on holiday on friday to a self-catering cottage and i'm dreading that too.

i think you're all right - i do have to find time to do something for myself. i feel guilty but i should just get over it! view it as looking after the wellbeing of the family.

cheesesarnie, i'm also one of 4. when i phoned my mum to tell her i was pg she said 'oh god. promise me that you won't have a 4th.' and i have

maybe things will feel better in the morning. and things will be better in 2 weeks, when the older 2 go to school. it's the culmination of too long a holiday.

once again thank you everyone for posting. i don't feel so horribly alone.

I feel for you too, I really do - it's awful to feel so overwhelmed. I would also suggest investing in some extra childcare. Not a luxury, an essential.

The ages of your dc mean an awful lot of input atm and it's very very draining. I think the first thing to do is to get dh to at least see how much it's affecting you. To feel he 'doesn't get it' will make you feel isolated within your own family

I've been there and muddled on. Years later and looking back I'm not sure that was the right way at all. I needed more help but didn't want to look like I wasn't managing. It did me no good at all and probably not everyone else around me either.

Ah, you poor thing. 3 kids is definitely more than the sum of the parts! It will feel better when school starts again, and when your little one is a bit more sane grown up... When I feel like this I remember that they won't be with me forever, that I need help (get a local girl to babysit for a couple of hours a just go out on your own!), and that while 3 of your own can be exhausting, as far as the older ones are concerned having MORE kids round is often easier since they then entertain themselves! Could you invite a few neighbours' kids round for an afternoon, set them up in garden or living room making dens, while you and the little one do some nice relaxing baking or painting . Or have a cheeky nap together in front of a film while the bigger ones create chaos around you?

It is hard, hard work but your littlest one needs you to be happy and mentally well, however much it feels like 'her' it isn't, it is just the normal situation of having lots of kids and not always coping. Most of us go through it, you just need a bit of a break.

I do really understand how you feel!! Mine are 7, 5 and 3 so I'm a year on from you and on a note of optimism I would definitely say that since my youngest turned 3 life has really hit an upswing. Everything is now so much easier. Mainly because I don't actually have to watch them at all times. Mine spend long periods of time playing together unsupervised in the garden or pottering around together in their bedrooms (or fighting - but that keeps them occupied too!!). Last term 3 yr old started a couple of days at nursery - suddenly everything changed and I felt amazing! I'm exhausted now by the holidays, but for the first time kind of enjoying all the noise and craziness as I know it is finite (not long now until school!). Hang in there - another year or so and you will be out of the 'baby' years and I'd say life starts to open up and becomes yours again (not to say it's not still hard - it's just different and in my book it's a good kind of different).

I have 7 and 4 year and 18 month old daughters, it can be murder in our house especially at the lovely hours of between 5 and 6.30pm. I always find 14-19 months the hardest - I'm not sure why, but I remember even when I had dd1 it was a difficult time.

My 7 (just 7) year old has developed the most charming attitude lately - eye rolling, exasperated tones etc. Its driving me mad even though she's not actually being rude, I'm turning into my Mother - "don't use that tone with me" etc!

Dd3 just says "mine" or "No" a lot and dd2, well she didn't sleep for 3 years

If its any reassurance we are just back from a weeks holiday at a cottage (usually my idea of hell), I was dreading it - it actually turned out really well. The girls loved it and it was good fun. I take it you've bought Poundland out of sticker books, colouring stuff and general tat.

yes, i have a few bits and bobs crap for them to do...

feeling a lot better today. helped by being out at the park from 11 - 5. that definitely helps a lot!

you're all so right. things will be infinitely better in 2 weeks when dd2 goes to school.

Janoschi, i've been thinking about your post. so sorry about your mum. the people who are supposed to protect and nurture you are the ones you can't trust i bet you're a fantastic mother.

i had another chat with dh last night and it went a bit better. he started by accusing me of not doing x, y or z but i think did understand in the end. he came home early today . unheard of. and mil came over to give me a hand. she's great with the kids.

but the sympathy and support i've got from this thread has given me enough fuel to get through now. it's knowing i'm not going mad and it's ok to feel a bit overwhelmed.

I was thinking about this whilst dozing in bed this morning, as you do. DH and I rarely have cross words but I have on occasion got very frustrated like when he's come home from work with the where's my dinner, why isn't my football kit unpacked washed and replaced, why is there a mark on this seasons football shirt (that he's buried at the bottom of his clothes draw until he wants to wear it!) Meanwhile DD may have been teething, dS1 who is Autistic may have been having a challenging day and DS2 may well have been enjoying winding everyone up to watch the explosion. The final comment is usually you've been home all day with nothing to do!

I decided to demonstrate more practically the challenges of having a to do list whilst having the children by leaving DH with DD just as she'd mastered walking, I asked him to print out a couple of documents, finish washing the pots, unload the dishwasher and hang out the washing. It wasn't nap time. In fairness he did get the printing done but whilst he did that DD emptied the Lego box in her brothers room and spread it around, dd helped with unloading the dishwasher by picking up sharp knives (she was fine DH was shocked at how fast she'd grabbed them). She pulled all the underwear off the airers faster than he could get it on them and I got home with the DS's to DH chasing her around wearing a pair of his briefs as a scarf come hat.

Looking after the children definately becomes more complicated if you need to get anything done.

I'm really glad that today has been a better day and that your DH has absorbed something of what you've said. I hope you'll have a peaceful yet fun filled holiday.