Ds (6) is suddenly terrified of everything

[LiegeAndLief]

Ds (6) has just started being really scared of "bad things" all the time. It started about a week ago when he found out that Bobby Moore died at 51 (I know, a bit random) and realised that was only 10 years older than dh, which really worried him. Since then he has picked up on all kinds of throw away comments and is also terrified of dd drowning (after I told her we couldn't play hide and seek in the swimming pool - she is 3!), getting stuck in soft play (I was telling another mum how he got stuck when he was 3yo), a friend of mine nearly getting thrown off a dodgy rollercoaster (in the 80s in France - he was eavesdropping), being stuck in a burning car (thank you radio 4 news) and foxes breaking into the house and eating him (no idea where this came from).

He now claims he is too scared to go upstairs or have a wee by himself and bedtimes are a nightmare (no pun intended!). He doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve dh or I being right next to him and won't sit next to strangers in the cinema, at bus stops etc. I've explained over and over again the context of these comments / conversations and how unlikely they are to happen to him, he has a special teddy for bedtime and we've started putting a story cd on to try and take his mind off things. But it doesn't really help much. He has never watched anything other than pretty tame kids stuff or played computer games other than a football thing and Lego star wars.

I think maybe it is a developmental thing in that he has started to realise that horrible things do happen in the world and there is a (very small) possibility they might happen to him or someone he knows. But I'm finding this clingyness really hard to deal with on a practical level and distressing when he gets upset - what can I do?

Hi,
My DD (just 7) is going through something similar, she is very anxious, is having trouble sleeping and is having 'bad thoughts' about things happening. I have not been well for over a year and had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance last month which has stepped up the fear.

What has helped is:

-Giving her a comfort object again, in her case its a puffle and a Team GB mascot that she loves and takes around with her. This worked during the day but at night she needed more reassurance. I spend time with her now teaching and practising her very simple relaxation exercises (breathing and stretching). Also I told her about a place I go to when I am trying to sleep, a valley with a castle and a lake in the middle. I asked her to meet me there whilst we were asleep and we spent a long time talking about this and visualising this - where we would meet, what we would see etc. In addition I gave her a cheap moonstone ring that she could wear that I told her my mother gave me (true) when I was having nightmares as a child. I told her it banishes bad thoughts. It lives in a box in her room for when she really cannot sleep. She can also turn her light on in the night if she cannot sleep and read for a little while, she was lying there for hours not sleeping and knowing she won't be shouted at for having the light on has made her relax a bit more. Under her bed is a special box with lots of happy photos and memories in it for her to look at if she needs it.

-I gave her a little notebook and a pen for her bedside table and she writes all her fears in there and we discuss them the next morning. It also has a list of all the the things that make her happy, big and small. Also it has a little rationalisation that nothing bad has happened to her in 7 years, nothing bad has happened to me in 30 years, nothing bad has happened to DH in 34 years, nothing bad has happened to my mum in 62 years and nothing bad happened to my gran in 95 years (there have but nothing DD knows about).

-We keep her as busy as possible, tiring her out physically. For example today she went to the park for several hours, then I got the paddling pool out. SHe was much better as she was so tired she went to sleep very fast with little time for brooding. She doesn't get much time to herself to brood, I try and fill her time in every way I can.

-Generally I give her lots of cuddles and comfort, plenty of praise and reassurance and reminders that its my job to keep her safe and that she doesn't have to worry about these things. We have also been pushing boundaries slightly to prove nothing bad will happen e.g. today for the first time I walked her to the shop, gave her some money and walked home. She bought the sweets and ran back home (about ten metres tbf). She was really frightened last night that someone would steal the money/attack her/try to steal her/run her over, but after several hours of confident reassurance and building excitement she did it. Then she got to eat her sweets and watch us eat ours that she had chosen for us. Now we have an example to use next time she gets frightened.

The most important thing though is that she knows she can talk to me any time about the silliest of fears and I will not laugh and I will always take her fears seriously. Then I gently try and reassure/rationalise etc with plenty of cuddles and comfort.

DD has been so frightened and upset which has thrown me as in all other ways she is hugely physically and socially confident but she has responded so well to these tactics. I really hope something here works for your DS xx

What a lot of great ideas! The box of photos in particular sounds lovely. Did think about getting him to write things down when he was worried but he is only just 6 and writing not really his strong point - might give it a go though. Great idea to also have a list of positives. The teddy he has was mine so is 33 years old and very good at getting rid of nightmares as she has had lots of practice - worked really well for a while but not so much any more.

Very sorry you have been ill, think something like that would terrify ds so can really sympathise with your dd. Thanks again for taking the time with such a helpful reply

The box of photos is my favourite, lots of pictures of her from baby to now, DH and I getting married, family members, holidays and things like pretty stones she has picked up, a bracelet we made together, a drawing her brother did for her, a simple puzzle game etc. She likes to go through it sometimes with me before bed and we add new and special things e.g. certificate from school, a card her friend made her etc as and when. I was EXACTLY like this as a child and I picked up an awful lot of tips from my mum who had to deal with me and my brother who had night terrors/sleepwalking/hideously realistic dreams.

DD mentioned tonight that she'd like to draw pictures with me of the things that frighten her so she can stick them on the wall and hit them with her foam sword and throw puffles at them, we are going to try that one tomorrow! She got really excited about it which was nice to see.

Glad to hear teddy worked but you could always introduced something new. I had an old blanket of mine from when I was a baby and that worked for two years (against nightmares and monsters) before I had to dig out the moonstone ring from my jewellery box last year. The blanket still lives on her bed and we still occasionally have to top it up with love but its not as powerful as it used to be. Before that it was a spray bottle wrapped in brown tape with 'monster spray' marked on the side. I sprayed her room everynight!

Its so bloody horrible when they are distressed though isn't it. I can kiss an injury better or apply a cream but its much harder sorting out pain in their heads that we can't rub or stick a plaster on.