Consumed by guilt...please don't judge and try to help.

[TearingMyHairOut]

I'm desperate for some advice. I am finding it incredibly hard to treat my children equally. I have two ds of 3 and 6 and the older one is a constant frustration to me. I had a difficult time with him as a baby and found it very difficult to bond with him for several months. Now, as a 6 year old, he talks non-stop, needs constant attention, can be very selfish when it comes to his brother and other people and so on. My younger ds has not particularly been an easier child, but I deal with him so much more easily because I 'like' him.
Don't get me wrong, I love them both, but I am reaqlly worried that I can be a lot more impatient and snappy with my older child and probably don't give him very much time. I know it would be very6 easy to judge this situation and think I am terrible for making it obvious, and because of this I am consumed by guilt. I just don't know how to fix it and think differently. I am already giving myself a really hard time over this so please no comments telling me how awful i am being or how I will scar him, but any helpful comments or suggestions would be really appreciated.

Don't have direct experience of this, but I would say if you feel like this then you need to spend much more time with your 6 year old - precisely because of these feelings. Get to know him as a new person, and find the characteristics that make him special and appreciate them.

I could have written your post OP. Having read it, I almost feel relieved that it might be something about the dynamic between those ages. I know I expect DS1 to behave with more consideration and kindness to his brother as he is older, so I am more grumpy with him when he behaves that way (which seems like it might be quite normal for that age/sibling age actually!).

I didn't have any bonding issues, so I tend to think that it is a 'problem of its time' rather than a legacy of that.

I would be grateful to hear ways that others have managed similar sibling dynamics - I am really struggling to instil the importance of kindness and consideration to DS1.

I think the fact that you are aware that this is a problem shows that you are dealing with it already. I have 3 children 2, 6 and 8 and tbh im aware i shouldnt but i think i am alot harder on the oldest and expect quite alot from him. Mine seem to go through phases of being really well behaved to then pushing me over the edge, the feelings of loving them but not particulaly liking them is normal. Dont give urself a hard time, maybe try some one on one time with him. Children can be so mentally exhausting at times and parenting can be such a guilt trip so dont give urself a hard time, they grow up so quickly!

this resonates with me back in the mists of time......please be reassured that things do even out as they get older.

my eldest was 5 when i had my youngest - my eldest has SN and i found during the next few years he seemed incredibly hard work compared to my youngest.

reallistically he really could be an absolute pain in the arse, (and still can be) but i think the gap in how you feel lessons as they age, so be reassured.
your not alone, as long as you dont openly show how you feel i think its ok, but i was no saint and sometimes i found myself not liking my eldest terribly much (still do at times - he is 20, and has done some very selfish things to me that have been difficult to deal with - he emptied my bank account for eg) DD is 15 and while going through the usual teen stroppiness is much more likeable and much more easy going to live with)
but i remember finding him very hard work when he was around 6/7, while DD seemed like an angel in comparrison!

i dont feel like that now, and they both appear to think the other gets away with murder.....so you cant win!

I have a 2yo and 5yo (both boys too) and I do sometimes find that I spend more time with the younger one and am hard on the eldest saying he should be patient with his younger brother, share toys, be kind, etc. It is exhausting. I love them both the same, but it can be very trying some days when they both argue with one another.

Not quite practical solutions from myself, but just letting you know that perhaps this is just a stage, not something that will scar your DC.

I think the dynamics between same gender siblings (esp boys) is different to having the mixed gender. A few mums I've spoken to recently with a boy and girl mix say they get on okay (similar age gaps to my own DC) whereas those with all girls or all boys tend to have a different take on it....

When I had my second baby (I have four children now) my mother warned me that sometimes one would be a favourite and I would genuinely feel like I just didn't like the other, and at other times it would be the other way around.

Knowing that has helped me so many times, because when you start to get het up about how much you dislike one of your children, the bigger an issue it becomes until it's all you can think about. If you can let go of it, and just think, 'this child needs love' then it can ease a lot and then the issue just dissipates.

At one point I had such an issue with one of my children that I asked a friend to text me regularly to remind me that I loved her! I even wrote myself notes in the kitchen cupboard, so often would I find myself wanting to tell her how much I hated her.

Now she's frequently my 'favourite'. I have had issues with all four of them from time to time like this, but I no longer panic about it, and just remind myself that I do love them, even when they're driving me up the wall.

You may find it helpful to read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' as well - a fantastic book. Be kind to yourself xx

Rushed reply but "siblings without rivalry" is EXCELLENT and well worth a look. X

I have the same issues and I also have 2 ds that are 6 and 3. Great difficulty at the moment with ds1 trying to get him to be less selfish and more considerate.

I've struggled massively with guilt about liking ds1 less, but i'm at the stage now where I know they are equally loved and I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and ds1 is more challenging, so Ive given up on guilt.

Good idea to spend time doing stuff together eg card games etc so you can actually enjoy their company.

You can treat your children equally by not treating them the same. You should expect a 6 year old to do more than a three year old and be better behaved, but not all the time.

We are all naturally selfish. Babies do not cry for feeding when it is convenient for their parents, they cry when they are hungry.

Treat them differently, but appropriately, have some toys that are for ds1 and different ones for ds2, and some to share.

Take some time to just be with ds1. Maybe after ds2 has gone to bed have a 30mins where ds1 choses something to do.