Babysitting - who does it, and how often? Who is being unreasonable here?

[theborrower]

My DH and I have a 2yo DD. The only grandparents close by are my parents (who are very close) so if we ever need a babysitter, it's always them. There's no one else that can babysit / willl offer.

We don't go out very often. We ask them maybe once every other month so we can go out for dinner or something. However, over the last fortnight we have asked them twice, as we happened to get free theatre tickets in the Festival, but the last time before this was about 2 months ago for my birthday.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out tonight but I cancelled because I felt that it was 'just too much hassle' for them. They wanted to have tea in their own house first and weren't going to come over until half six, but I said that we would never make the performance if they did that (have to get bus across town), so they said, "ok, quarter past then", and wanted to know when we'd be home ("straight after the show" - "Oh, but it can be difficut getting parked at night"). Last week they huffed and sighed told us to get home for "10.30 at the latest" which meant that we had to rush our dinner in the restaurant, although we did manage a few hours out which was good.

When DD was a tiny baby it was better all round that we put her to bed and they watched her while she slept, so we were out 3 hours tops, including paying for taxis to avoid spending our whole night out on a bus. We hardly ever went out when she was under 1. Now that she is a bit older, it is better that they do her bedtime routine (dinner, bath, bed) as otherwise she gets hyper with all the people in the house and wonders where mummy and daddy are going.

Both my DH and I work full-time but only get 1 day a week together because of how we've worked out shifts to manage the nursery (can't afford full-time childcare). We are saving hard to buy a bigger flat (we're in a small one-bed, so DD is in our room), haven't had a holiday since DD came along, are always watching our money, it feels like all we do is work and collapse on the couch, we don't have any private space in the houes, and so being able to go out and be a couple is very important to us, not only for our relationship but my sanity.

1. are we being unreasonable asking them to babysit as often as we do? twice in a fortnight is an exception - it is normally every other month, maybe every 6 weeks if we're lucky

2. are we being unreasonable asking them to do the bedtime routine?

3. are we being unreasonable full stop expecting anyone to babysit, as perhaps whem we have kids we should just except to completely sacrifice our own lives and stay in all the time??

What do other people do?

we used to pay for babysitting but thats I guess not an opition -moved nearer my parents so they do sit - but we normally go out after my 2 year old is in bed . I think bedtime routine is hard going for lots of people - so tend to just go for a drink or later cinema -
could you do some babyitting swapping with other parents maybe - although I don't think they would be keen to do bedtime either

my parents live close by and will babysit for our DC. and we do go out prob once a month, so the regularity prob is'nt the issue IMO.

i have never asked anyone else to do bath and bedtime routine, nevermind dinner, bath and bed. i would feel it is too much to ask, i will never leave the house until ours are settled and asleep (they are 2 and 5). but on the other hand we have friends whose parents take their Dc's for overnight stays so they can enjoy the lie in the morning after!!

each to their own i suppose.

maybe they would feel happier if you put DC to bed and went out later?

I don't have anyone close to provide free babysitting so........

Anyway when dcs were smaller we went out once a year. Literally. Once a year. We both went out separately but together it was once a year when a paretn offered to come up and babysit. Now the big ones are 5 and 3 so we pay a tame teenager to sit once a month/every 2 months while we pop over to the village hall with some friends for quiz night and we take the baby with us.

So. Really they are providing a free service for you. It isn't something they have to do so personally I think that you are bloody lucky to have family close who are happy to babysit and that you have to be able to compromise and do it on their terms. If you are doing something that needs specific times and those times are not convenient for them then tough, pay someone.

Maybe that is harsh. In an ideal world they would be delighted to spend time with their grandchild and would be happy to come and go at times of your choosing but they are not so be grateful for the free babysitting you do get.

Oha nd about the bedtime thing. Learn not to be so precious. If it is only every couple of months who cares if she gets a bit hyper and goes to bed late? Surely that is part of the magic of grandparents, she is excited to see them and wants to stay up. So what? As long as she was happy I wouldn't give a toss.

The thing with going out after DD is in bed, is that she isn't settled and asleep until close to 8pm. If we leave after that, and my parents want us back by "10.30 at the latest", it means that we're only out for an hour and a half tops, as the bus into town is half an hour each way. It's not enough time for the cinema or theatre, and dinner is kinda rushed.

This is what we did when DD was little, but we got taxis each way to save time, but we can't really afford to do this as taxis add an extra £20 onto the night.

On point (2) - we get my DM to come round before bedtime so she can see the DCs (1&2yrs), but doesn't take the hint that it would be great if she helped us with bathtime/bedtime - by the time we get them both to bed we are almost too exhausted to go out let alone get dressed up.

There is such a huge variety though in how much the grandparents help out. Once every other month sounds quite reasonable to me. We probably get about that, some get less and some a lot more.

We are currently trying to expand our network of babysitters now the DCs are a bit older as previously we have only relied on my DM- we have used our nextdoor neighbours in the past (who the DCs know), BIL (who proved surprisingly capable of dealing with a surprise poo in nappy) and we will take up a couple of other people who have offered. I think it is the only way to avoid feeling like we are asking DM too much.

I understand that is a pain and I understand the frustration. It is easy to think "Oh FFS grandparents should be able to put a child to bed" but everyone is different. My mum has always been very hands on with the dcs and is happy to just get on with it. I wish she lived closer, she would have no bother coming and babysitting and doing bedtime. MIL though in contrast has only very, very recently started to be happy doing it. She just didn't feel comfortable or capable putting them to bed until over 3 years old at the earliest, until they could really talk to her I suppose so if they are not comfortable doingit they jsut are not. Hopefully when she is older and easier to send to bed then they will be happy to do it but maybe at the moment you have to accept that they are not.

Well while i understand you wanting some alone time with your dp, i would say that you abu to get narked at your parents when they put up some resistance.

I have two sets of parents that live within 15 minutes of our house and we are lucky if one grandma agrees to babysit for us once or twice a year.

We have just got used to not going out at all.
Save your money and get a takaway once a month when your dd is in bed.

It really really upset me that no one ever even offered to take our ds for a walk around the block in his pram. We soon got the message that they are not prepared to put them sleves out in any shape or form for us or our ds...their only grand child by the way.
I feel your upset, but you are kinda going to have to get over it and get on with it.

Can't your DD sleep at your parents house? You could put her to bed there yourselves and then head out with no rush to get back (or come back to stay the night at your parents too so they don't have to do the morning)?

@Indith - no not harsh, maybe what I need to hear. I know we're lucky they're close by.

But I'll admit there's also something more going on here. My friends don't pay for childcare because their GPs are falling over themselves to look after them instead. My parents won't, and don't want to (which is actually FINE because I see the cons of having GPs look after your kids and we have the reliability of having nursery), BUT they comment that "oh, it must be a really long day for her at nursery", "Oh, it's a really long day for you both", "Oh, is your DH working again (on the weekend)?", "Oh, why don't you come to our really expensive time-share abroad, there's room for you and DD will love it, you need a holiday" etc.

They know we are trying really hard to save and move house, and are worried about moving. They know we would love a break, and I've told them we can't afford it. It would help us enormously money-wise if they would offer to look after DD for even an afternoon a week, but it's the fact that they don't offer but still say these things, and then sigh if we want to have a drink out every now and again, that gets me down a bit.

Maybe I'm just selfish.

Your parents are starting to resist a bit which to me says you've perhaps pushed it a little far. They are doing you a huge favour giving you free babysitting at all, so if they are not comfortable doing bath and bed, or don't want to get home too late, you would be VU to try and push them or to be irritated by that.

If you've been having babysitting for evenings out once every 6-8 weeks, that's loads really.

That doesnt help either theborrower, i see your point.

But really,if you are saving, dont go out and save your money for the next few months.
It does feel like work/slob/sofa day in day out, but its not forever, its a short term thing for a great goal.

Its a good job me & DH are not going out types, but we have little choice in it anyway.

X post. Yes some people are lucky enough to get tons of free childcare. But that doesn't mean GP who don't offer similar are at all in the wrong.

No not selfish, just worn down with scrabbling around for money etc and a bit jealous of what others have. I do sympathise, most people around here have local parents who do childcare, who have children overnight most weekends and so on.

But hopefully things will get easier for you. Is she getting her 15 hours yet? That will make a big difference and school won't be much longer and your childcare bills will drop a lot.

My parents look after DD about once a month for us to go out but she sleeps over at theirs and that's great I have fond memories of sleepovers at my nans.

Is that not an option?

It does sound like they really don't want to do it. My ILs got like that so we just stopped asking. YANBU in asking them but I suppose they ANBU in not wanting to.

Can you not have couple-time at home when your DD is asleep?

Would you not ask a friend or neighbour? We have neighbours who have 2 young children and I happily babysit for them, and they have babysat for us too (although less often due to them having had a new baby and one of them having recently had an op).

If we go out together (fairly infrequent) then MIL and FIL have DD overnight so that we can get ready, go out and then have a lie in the next day. My DMum or DSis would babysit if I asked, but would have to come here on the bus then I would need to either pay for their taxi home or drive them home afterwards, so it's easier if the inlaws have her. They don't like me much though so I try not to ask too often, probably like you every other month or so.

Have you mentioned this to any friends? They might offer if they knew about the issue...

@Indith - yes, I'm feeling a bit worn down, and yes, jealous. Not just off my friends, but my own family who seem to be enjoying all sorts of nice things and trips to visit each other down south, but we can't go. It would be nice to be able to go.

My DH and I go through periods of nagging, bickering etc, because it often feels like it's just work work work and not enough famliy time together, hence why I really value some together time out the house.

It's another year before she gets her 15 hours, which I'm hoping will help a lot (and thanks for the reminder, i couldn't remember how much they get). However, we'll have a bigger, scarier mortgage by then, so it will cancel out that extra cash. BUT it hopefully means a little more space in the house, and friends can come to ours instead for a drink or food after baby is in bed (don't really have the space for that where we are).

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Having a good moan is therapeutic, but the truthful replies put things in perspective.

We will lay off the babysitting for a while.

I would say YAbitU and 'precious' about dd to ask them to do bedtime routine. Surely she can handle you getting her ready for bed, giving her a kiss and leaving the rest to GP's. I left my kids at parents tonight (which we haven't done for a year!) and we did some of bedtime routine (baths, pj's and one story), meant we were a bit late getting out, but it is hard work!

GP's used to have ds1 when there was just 1 of him, and seemed to love it, but with 3 now they are less keen and the novelty has worn off, so we don't ask it v often now, even though we really need to. If I asked a friend, I would definitely wait till kids were asleep before going out, even if it meant only leaving at 8.30 and back at 10.30.

I think you should find a few friends you could share babysitting with, do each other favours. This could be a neighbour with kid/ kids or someone you know from a toddler group or whatever.

@tangointhenight they have done this twice, once for a friend's wedding and once for our anniversary. I don't want to ask them again. I dont' think they would say Yes.

@Sabriel - well, I suppose every night is couple time, but we're in a small, cramped flat. we have a tiny sofa that you can't even lie on, if you know what I mean. I think it's the getting away from the house that is important, away from the washing, dishes, same telly every night etc.

@emsyj - we don't know our neighbours (live in a flat, in a city, I know, I know). Only one friend has ever offered to babysit, but she's sooo super busy all the time it's almost impossible me getting a date in the diary to catch up with her. My brother, who is also relatively close, has joked about babysitting so maybe I'll sound him out again. He's never changed a nappy though. I think he'd be a bit clueless if she wouldn't settle or cried.

we have no family to babysit, havent had for years

went out recently for 5 hours, was the most babysitting we could get

and that was a one off

op, it is crap when you see families all around be inundated with free babysitting when you would literally kill for some willing help, but IME its part of parenting, a crap part if I'm honest

I feel for you. My DS lives round the corner but although she will look after DD(4) she won't look after DS(22 months). So not a help really. I too have friends who have lots of on tap child care via family which makes me green when they complain!

Do u know anyone with a responsible teenager who can bbsit?

Other than that I know of a couple of friends who bbsit for each other, is that a possibility for you as that friend may be happy to put ur DD to bed, although I would not expect/ask a friend to give my DC supper.

My parents and DH's parents are nowhere nearby and we have no family to help out with DS and cut our childcare bills either.

I know plenty of people in the same boat. Few of my friends have parents nearby so for a "night out" we tend to go to someone's house, spend about eight hours putting our kids to bed there and then chatting for 30 minutes before we go to sleep.

My mum has babysat once in two years during a visit, as have DH's parents. I don't think parents have to automatically give up a social life together but for a lot of people, that seems to come with the territory.

So that's what's normal for us.

Yes, speak to your brother - he might love babysitting. When I was little, my mum's neighbour's son used to babysit for me - he was brilliant, loads of fun and I loved him to bits. So what if he's never changed a nappy? It takes about 3 minutes to learn all he needs to know, and 2 year olds are pretty robust and adaptable.

You really need to get to know other parents, which is really difficult when you're at work.

Do you know anyone else with kids? I have had to really persuade some of my friends with kids to take up babysitting offers, but as soon as they do they can babysit yours! Also your brother-pay him with chocolate and start off with a 2 hr quick trip to pub.

It will get better-I have met recipricol babysitting friends at preschool and school gates.

You do have to be proactive though-suggest it and push for it with friends with kids.

ruby, we're the opposite

few of our friends dont have family nearby, we're the odd ones out having no one