fighting childrens battles.....helping childen with friendships

[twinkerbell]

two issues here...I am worried about my dd, she seems to have difficulty where ever she goes with kids falling out with her or picking on her and I have got myself into a situation for the second time because I have stuck up for her or tried to intevreve. I am starting to think she has some kind of problem.
she is an only child, I let her start playing out with 2 lovely local kids she met shortly after we moved into our new home, just outside our houses or back entry but now it seems to have extended into a wider group that Im not happy with as she isnt really old enough and she is heartbroken to be reigned back in!
can't do wrong for right

How old is she?

she will be 9 in a few weeks

So, she's old enough to be sorting out most friendship issues without you. If you interfere on a regular basis, she could end up being left out of things because of the fuss.
With regards to the wider group, what are the problems with it? My mother used to restrict us to a specific geographical area when we played out with friends. We weren't allowed out of it without asking permission.

well here is what happened...I always listened to my mums advice about leaving them to fight their own battles but I have intervened when things have ( i feel) got out of hand and its always come back to bite me on the bum!
Yesterday for the 3rd time in 2 weeks she came home with grazes on her back in tears saying this boy has been hitting her and being horrible and the other kids were just laughing, last week she came home again saying the same couple of boys had pushed her off her bike and she had a large cut and bruisng on her legs....I went doen to see who they were and spoke to who I thought was the father of them both who was very apologetic and I told her I didnt want her playing with them as I didnt know them, latyer I got a knock on the door and a man and woman and about 6 kids were on my drive!! she was shouting and saying I need to speak to her if I have a problem and not other people as its giving her kids a bad name and she is sick of them being blamed for things and totally went off on one...I was so horrifed and embarrassed in front of my neighbours who im sure would hear it all, I explained that I thought the person I spoke to WAS the father ...my dh says they are like "council estate mentality coming around on mass shouting and raving on our driveway" (his words not mine) and has now said she is not allowed out to play at all
Im sure if your dd came home twice with cuts and bruises syaing a boy who is 3 years older tha her keeps picking on her you would stick up for your own??

BUMP

really could do with some suport/advice here

Ooh, I've had that, 10yo DS got duffed up in the skatepark by two 13yos, I called police because they pounded him. (Did not try to press charges, though). DS solved it for himself by not going near the skatepark ever again.

Doesn't sound like she's got "some kind of problem". Sounds like family of 6 are borderline nuts, to be avoided.

Can you insist that she's to stay in company of at least one of the lovely two friends no matter what when she's playing out, has to come home if they aren't available?

yes I am soo embarrased about them all tribing around then house, considering whether to apologise to neighbours as they knocked on their door first looking for me !!?
I told her I only want to her playing with A, B and C and if they go around to the others then she is to come home but dh was horrified by them all turning up and now says she is too young to be playing out anyway really so it stops!
she is on her own and her friends are everything, she has had to move school too this year as we moved house and was picked on horribly at her new school for a while so she has had such a hard time with friendships

MN letting me down here not getting much advice

Maybe you should teach her to stick upfor herself, psychically if necessary

I'd give her a lovely last couple of weeks before school goes back, I'd ask friends round or take them out together a couple of times and then when school goes back I'd be working extra hard to facilitate as many good friendships in school as possible.And I'd make sure that she knew to keep well clear of the aggressive family. How far did you move? Can she keep up with friends that she had there?
What other hobbies does she have, swimming, brownies, sports? All ways of making friendships.

she has some friends who she has been friends with since nursery and always has a lovely time with and makes friends okay but she never seems to just be able to 'get on', she has had problems at school, at dancing, now with the local kids, she is always being picked on yet she is no little mouse, she has always been so desperate to make friends being one her own with no siblings to play with....I wonder if people just play on her vulnerablity and need for friendships

Have you ever talked to school about why she has friendship issues?
What did they say?

I live on an estate like this. Your dc should be allowed to play out the same as anyone else. I would continue to intervene when you think it's necessary, but also teach her to fight her own battles - role play, how to be cheeky back/walk away or whatever you think she needs to do. I think given the eg of of them coming en masse to your door, you now know what your up against. Don't let them intimidate you! It's not your problem if someone always blames their kids, it's their problem, and in my mind it speaks volumes about their children.

with re to her wider social interaction probs (or whatever it is you want to call them) except that that is how she is, look at it that she might be quite introverted and that other people can just be bastards for no reason. i.e. it's not her, it's them...

sorry i can't offer any other advice though

I spoke to the school when she was being bullied, they knew it was going on and were very supportive but they dont KNOW her as she only started there after xmas, girls from her old school also go to her dancing and tunred on her when she moved schools ...she is like me, we both come accross confident and sociable but inside were are not at all and I dont want her to be like that because its hard work. her last school head and teacher loved her said she was a character and did get herself into trouble being 'silly' rather than 'naughty'....

why did she move schools? maybe it's something to do with the move?

it is never acceptable for another child to physically assault yours

the kids in your street, and the ones from her old school at dance sound like a right shower of bastards - it's a nightmare that you can't approach the parents about this. what about the dance instructor? school? they should all be able to prevent bullying whilst your child is in their care

the dance thing is sorted now, she moved schools becuse we moved house and although she couldve stayed at her old school it was a bit of a treck and the new school is a decent one and VERY close.

There are 2 schols locally and she goes to the 'better' one and all the kids she is playing with go to the other lol, hers is a church school so has children not just from this area.
Has anyone got any feelings about appropriate age to be playing out...is she just too young?? or do I just need to ensure she keeps away from those particular children

I think 9 is fine to play out unless you live somewhere very dangerous, but I would lay out the boundaries of where she's allowed to play, and if she wants to go further with friends, she has to ask you.

thankyou to all of you, I feel a bit more normal now, still wondering wether to go and apologise to the neighbours.. we dont know them very well and they are really quiet, they must think we are a nightmare with all that lot turning up banging on their door poor woman is due to give birth any day now...
I think I am going to to try and focus on out of school activites and friends coming over here until she is a bit older and more confident

nine is fine to be playing out, don't worry about that!

your plan sounds good re afterschool and friends coming to visit - i would just mention it to the neighbours that you were mortified, I'm sure they'll understand esp if they know the parents in question

well its obvious that WE dont know them or they wouldnt have been knocking random doors on the street looking for us! thank goodnes she doesnt go to the same school as them and hopefuully we wont have any further dealings [happy]