Trying to be positive with older sibling of newborn - negative rut

[belindarose]

DD is just 3, baby DS is 6 weeks. I'm struggling with our relationship at the moment. She's outwardly accepted the baby very well (most of the time!) and is much less clingy with me, which I should be pleased about of course but is making me feel very detached from her.

I feel like a lot of our interactions involve me saying 'no', 'don't, 'wait a minute', 'later' etc and it's making us both miserable. Her behaviour then gets worse and I find it hard to turn it around. Previously, we'd have done something fun to get out of a negative phase, but at the moment we can't be spontaneous because of the baby.

She loves being read to while I feed and sometimes likes to help with the baby. She's very proud and possessive of him.

She starts preschool in a few weeks. I'd really like to feel reconnected with her before then.

That rush of maternal feeling for your DD will come back as soon as you have a break from her once she is at preschool. You will both be absolutely delighted to see each other and she'll have so many new things to tell you about, it should re-energise your relationship.

It was the same for me once my DS was born, I felt a distance from my DD because I had to put him first when I was feeding him, like you I had a stack of books nearby to read to her as I fed him.

I think it is a deep down evolutionary thing, your brain is deliberately imposing some distance because you have to focus on keeping the newest addition alive as the eldest is independent enough to not rely on you 100%.

Until she gets to preschool though, make sure that when your baby is asleep you do something special with her such as baking a few cupcakes, yes, it does create a mess but after 15 minutes mess you can clear up as she gazes at the oven door in anticipation of a sweet treat: try cheese or fruit scones if you don't want to give her sugar.

Thank you for the reassurance and understanding. I'm trying to play as much with her as I can and baking is her favourite thing. I'm anxious about preschool as she doesn't tolerate other children well at the moment - insisting on having only one friend and her baby brother at her birthday party tomorrow! And she'll argue with that friend all the time.

Repeat after me "it's just a phase, it's just a phase..."

It sounds as though you are doing fine - DD is happy with her new brother, and the distance between you is probably something only you are aware of. I agree that pre-school is a whole new ball game and will involve another big adjustment for all of you. Hang in there - it will be fine!

Yes, another phase! I do know it really. I love her so much but don't feel like I'm expressing it to her any more. She is so tolerant of my time with DS most of the time.

I'll try to be excited about the fantastic preschool she's going to , like I was when I found it.

Do you have anyone who can take DS for a while? We have girls time even if it's just lets leave DS with his daddy while we go to the shops we get a sweetie and walk the long way home having a chat. Today we are going to some art type thing just us girls i make a point to tell her we'll leave the baby at home so i can give you all my attention.

Op, I.could have written that! My dd was 3 in June. My ds is now 14 weeks. Dd just like yours, v loving (maybe bit over the top with kisses and cuddles) and accepting of ds.

Our relationship, though, took a real downward turn and I found myself less tolerant of her.

I can say though that in.about the last 2 weeks and definitely the last week, things seem.to be totally back to normal (maybe its me getting more sleep now!).

Definitely just a phase (but another thing to feel guilty/worried about!).

This is why the eldest child is usually fairly conflicted and needy IMHO! (being one myself...) They get all the attention for a few years and then suddenly have to grow up very fast when number 2 comes along.
I am trying really hard with my eldest daughter, but I know it is slightly inevitable... do what you can, but don't worry too much about it - that's life?

What really helped with my dd when ds was a baby was for me to let her know that I found the baby a bit of a pain in the neck sometimes too. I would say something like "oh, no, he's crying again what a nuisance! Why don't you eat this biscuit while I sort him out. I'll be as quick as I can, then we can [insert activity of choice]" We were in a sort of anti baby conspiracy, secretly rolling our eyes at each other over his head. Then he got bigger and more fun and started to worship her, and they became the anti- mummy conspiracy they still are now 11 years later! Remember that you can't hurt a baby's feelings!

The best piece of advice I was given came from mumsnet. remember that baby can wait for a moment. They won't think that mummy has chosen their sibling over them. The older child will notice if they are constantly being placed second fiddle. Once I adopted this my youngest got easier to deal with as I didn't jump up at every noise and my eldest felt like I had chosen to spend time with them.

All good advice, thank you. He is (presently) a pretty undemanding baby (saves it all for evenings and nights!) so I do manage to get time with DD - it's just that these times aren't always as positive and loving as I would like.

Her behaviour around other children and people outside the family is quite dreadful at the moment. We left a playgroup early today due to her upsetting other (younger) children by pushing them or screaming close to their faces. I guess she's taking out her hurt on them because she knows she can't do that to DS.

I think she has a broken heart and I can't fix it.

I'll be less melodramatic tomorrow. Very tired and feeding baby right now.

Bear in mind that she is 3. Only children who are 3 behave like that too!

Do try my you and her against the baby thing. The baby won't mind, I promise.

It does get easier. I still remember with delight the first time my dd said "we" and I realised she meant her and her brother, not her and me.

Yes, I'll definitely try that, seeker. And thanks for reminding me that other (and only) 3 year olds can be like this too. To be honest, it wouldn't have been unusual for her to have acted like that at playgroup when she was 1 or 2. It's a long phase. Or is it just small children?

I don't think she's got a broken heart, she's just a normal 3 yo, chancing her arm / pushing her boundaries and acting out normal behaviour.

You are tired and over thinking things, 3 yo's are quite simple souls! It is us adults that have silly hang ups!

We try to link toddler / new baby behaviour to one another as it is us feeling guilty for introducing the change. Your DD sounds as if she has accepted the baby and is content at home.

The problem is that as a baby when they are doing new things we praise them continuously, then when they get older, we have to start correcting them. They accept this as normal, but we worry that we have changed our attitudes as we are not praising them so much.

Keep reminding yourself that you love your children very much and everything will be fine. I hope your night wasn't too disturbed and that you got some decent sleep for at least part of it!

My DD is 4.5 and DS is 16wks and we went through the very same thing. It is starting to get easier but it does take time and even though DD adores her brother so much I do notice if a family member is spending too much time oohing and aahing over DS she hides away or will cling to me so I've pointed out to everyone that DD is to be the number one priority as DS has no real clue at this age.
I have brought DD out with me to the shops and she loves this girly time as she calls it. I also explain to her every day that it is only because DS is so small and can't do anything for himself that that is the reason I spend so much time with him. DD is starting school in Sept and I can't wait, the summer has been quite long and without any routine it's been difficult to keep her occupied while having the baby at such a young age. I felt our bond had been broken but bit by bit we are spending more time together as DS gets into a routine. Let her help you out with your DS - ask her to get the nappy/bag/cream and just praise praise praise. I call DD the Little Mama and she loves that.
Parenting is so tough but it will get easier. The day DD gave DS a big hug and a kiss and told him she loved him my heart exploded. Hang in there.