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How to be firm with child without shouting or being unreasonable?

10 replies

xchoo · 17/08/2012 22:23

I'm actually not her mum, I'm her sister, my Mum is suffering from mental issues...religion messed with her head etc...ANYWAY, so I was wondering how I am to be firm with her without being unreasonable...also is firm-ness the image I want to portray to my little sister or will it be something I'll regret when she's older?

Also, my little sister is 5.

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EatingSwansHorror · 17/08/2012 22:29

It's blooming hard, but it's about setting boundaries and not giving in. It sounds super simple but is hard. Your little sis needs consistency, boundaries, reassurance and love. How are you? There are lots of places that can help you but I don't want to patronise you.

EatingSwansHorror · 17/08/2012 22:30

How old are you, I meant!

xchoo · 17/08/2012 22:37

^ thank you for replying, I am 18, and what types of places are these?

Also, just so my Dad doesn't look bad he isn't at all Deadbeat, in fact, he is very much involved in our lives but he works copious amounts therefore it's harder for him to be around. haha.

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EatingSwansHorror · 17/08/2012 22:49

Ok, your best bet is your local Sure Start/ children's centre if you have one -they will be able to make the right referrals for you, ring up, explain what's going on and someone should meet with you, you can google search for them. There are also young carers associations that can help -Carewise or similar. If you are at school/college, have a word with your student support team. Does your mum have a psychiatric nurse working with her? They could be of use to you. Your GP sould also have info on support services.

You sound like a strong, switched on young lady, make sure you get the support you need to be able to support your little sister, you're both going through a tough time, make sure both of you are looked after. Keep posting on Mumsnet for help and advice, sometimes take it with a pinch of salt tho!

BombasticAghast · 17/08/2012 22:52

I think the key is to be really aware of your own feelings.

I find with my two that I am likely to be unreasonable if I am actually angry, rather than focusing on what behaviour they are doing that I want to stop.

sheilaR · 20/08/2012 00:43

Hi....I am 65 and a grandma...a very angry grandma at that...I have only just realised that the way I have been reacting to my lovely grandsons is through my own life experiences and through my own feelings...I guess we all do this...I wish I didn't feel so hurt and angry ...I have been being sarcastic to them and telling them to shut up after they have worn me down...Dont get me wrong I adore them but I seem to 'snap' instead of counting to ten...I wish someone would tell me I am not a BAD person but I cannot sleep as I am so upset with the way that I am

sheilaR · 20/08/2012 09:41

Bombastic I found you reply so helpful ...just being aware of your own feelings when you speak and intervene in their squabbles...thanks love you have helped me without realising it xx

FlamingoBingo · 20/08/2012 17:43

Wow! What an amazing young woman you are! Your sister is lucky to have you.

Are you up for reading books? I can heartily recommend How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will talk, but even more than that, try Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort.

She suggests very wisely that often our reactions to our children are coming from our own stories, as Bombastic says, and that we take a moment to separate ourselves from the child before we respond to remove our emotion from the situation. Both books are easy to read and not too long.

Hope your mum recovers quickly. Must be a nightmare for her Sad

xchoo · 20/08/2012 22:46

Thank you every body for the helpful advice! I'm deffo taking it into consideration!

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Machadaynu · 22/08/2012 13:48

The key thing is to pick your battles, be consistent and be logical. There are few things more logical than a kid.

Nobody really likes being told what to do, and at 5 your sister is probably trying to find out who she is and what she likes, which involves experimentation. One of the easiest and fastest ways to realise that it's impossible to play in the garden in white trousers without getting them filthy is to try it, for example. Obviously this doesn't extent to finding out how hot boiling water feels though.

I see kids at the park who are constantly having instructions barked at them - ' don't do that. do this. not like that. come here. we're going home' and all that. Obviously they ignore their parents.

Yesterday there was a kid on one of the pedalos on the boating lake, and - you'll never guess - he got excited, pedalled quite hard and got water in the boat, so his shoes got wet. Imagine - a kid enjoying themselves on water getting wet! Parental reaction: "Bloody hell you ruin everything. We're going home - come on!" Kid "I don't want to go home, mum" - they ended up staying. Parent loses respect because they over-reacted and backed down, but loses less respect than if they'd over-reacted and not backed down I suppose.

Anyway, I'm not answering the question am I? We use the phrase "This is non-negotiable" when it's non-negotiable. The kid knows what it means, and knows we mean it because we've never negotiated anything we've declared non-negotiable, and because we hardly ever say it. Crossing the road without holding hands is one, and until yesterday she has never questioned it at all. Yesterday she asked how old she needs to before she can cross without "doing holdy-hands" DP told her 10.

Kids will do things you would rather they didn't, but unless it's harmful to her or bothersome to anyone else, we let her get on with it, although we might tell her why we'd rather she didn't or try and get her to do something else.

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