"Embracing motherhood" 1st time mums who honestly find it hard....am I a freak?

[snowchick1977]

I've thought long and hard about this post as I'm unsure if I am struggling and need to seek help, or if I am just normal.

I had my daughter 12 months ago. She was a great baby, chilled out and has turned into a bundle of fun who I love with all my heart.

I do however struggle and I am just wondering if these feelings are normal.

I returned to full time work without hesitation when she was 6 months old and she goes to a childminder which has worked out better than I could have hoped.

The things I struggle with are:

• other mums who talk about how they would love to be able to spend all the time they could at home with their children - i do not feel like this and feel guilty for it

• i struggle to spend all day with her - i love my own space still and enjoy the time when she is asleep - i feel bad for this

• i often think about my life before and how much I enjoyed it. i love her but also loved my life before. I miss it and I am not really enjoying the time I have with her.

• i should enjoy teaching her new things but I find it hard to find pleasure in this when all of my friends think its amazing.

I think Im just crap at this.

I wondered if anyone else who is a first time mum stRuggled like this and if they found it hard embracing montherhood. What did you do to change how you felt?

I get very little me time. I have had her every night for 12 months and she was in and out of hospital for a while. I do struggle to ask for help and my family are willing.

Any advice would be really welcomed x

you are NORMAL

I think it's all pretty run of the mill stuff, except for maybe not enjoying the time you have with her...Did you struggle to bond? Any issues with PND?

Hi. No advice but you aren't alone. Ds is 21 weeks and while I adore him I do miss 'me' if you know what I mean.

Ds is a needy baby, very clingy and I think that's why I sometimes feel like I'm struggling. I was originally planning to return to work part time, now it looks like it'll be full time and although I would rather go pt part of me is relieved that someone else will have to deal with the crying before sleep, bottle refusing etc.

However, I don't think I'm crap, and neither are you! Some people love domesticity, some don't. My mum was very un-maternal but we had a brilliant relationship and I honestly don't think I missed out on anything.

I think I'm going to be much better at toddler stage than baby stage.

Sorry, I know that's not advice but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

yes, you are normal. You also sound like you need a break and some me time which isn't either work or home.

I am very much like you and although I love my DC to bits I also enjoy all of the other things in my life. I work FT and I am not really a 'motherly' type. I could not imagine being a SAHM.

Finally now that DS2 is 2.5 and less dependant am I feeling less guilt about not being there all the time, and really starting to enjoy both my boys. I do think that parenting gets better after about the age of 3 once you can get some space from them and they can do more for themselves.

Give it time and you'll be fine, and don't expect to be any sort of mother other than the one you are. It's not a competition!

Some people just don't really get on with the baby stage, maybe that's you? Babies can be boring, no doubt about it. I enjoy my dd so much more now she is 2.5, and tbh, I can see myself enjoying the 4+ stage even more.

Completely normal.

I struggled to bond with my daughter, despite undergoing 5 years of infertility and then having IVF.

Take up the offers of help. If took me a good while to do that but really, if the help is there, take it and do something for yourself. Try to stop beating yourself up and please be aware of PND. I denied I had it for years.

snowchick you're not alone! My DD is 2 and I could have written your post a while back.
I did all the things you're told you're 'supposed' to do to help you bond with your baby - heard lots of people going on and on about how they felt a wrench (instead of cheering - oh dear) when they had a minute to themselves, how they loved breastfeeding and would be devastated when it stopped (I found it incredibly difficult, personally) and I missed my quite pleasant child-free life where I could go out at the drop of a hat with only one bag instead of being a changing-bag laden donkey. Often after a morning at a mother-and-baby group I would come back home feeling worse than when I'd started.

The good news is that it does get lots better. The things that helped for me were:

• Going back to work and being recognised for something I was good at, rather than for something I'd facilitated but not really done, IYSWIM? I didn't feel I could take credit for DD's weight gain, for instance, but in the baby stage I wasn't doing anything else.

• Never underestimate the power of their sleeping through the night. When they do - mine took about 14 months to crack it - it's fantastic.

• Finally meeting a group of mums I got on with: for me it was through nursery, but it was so nice to finally have proper conversations about being in the same boat and things we were interested in other than babies!

• Doing something on my own. I agreed with DH that each of us would have a class of some sort a week which was totally seperate from home, which worked for both of us.

I met up with one of my early contacts - who was very much in the 'enjoying every second' camp - a while back and the difference was quite remarkable. I'm quite enjoying the toddler stage, though I do tear my hair out on occasion, and she hates it - "I just miss my little cuddly baby and all I have is this whirlwind who has an answer for everything!" Whereas I was chortling to myself at DD's ticking off a (riderless) motorbike for having a 'noisy engine when people try to sleep!'
Sounds like you're doing great with your DD and I bet you'll enjoy the later stages much more - as they become independent it's something to be very proud of.

Yes I could have written this post, I'm not enjoying motherhood in the way I always imagined;, I think I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming responsibility and change it would make in my life, I foolishly thought DD would just 'fit in' to our lives byr she didn't.

I had PND and I suspect I'm probably not completely over it yet.

OP you need to ask for support whether it be for someone to take your DD for a night, someone you trust, my mum has our DD and its like a complete rejuvenation when I get her back, no point in dwelling on regrets or what ifs, I did that just after DD was born, I basically wished her away, wished it was all a dream and I would wake up to find it had all never actually happened, I was in the throes of PND though.

Some of what you've expressed sounds normal - enjoying time to yourself, wanting to return to work - not everyone wants to be a sahm, however, I must say some of what you say doesn't sound normal to me for example i am not really enjoying the time I have with her if you're not ever getting any joy from motherhood or your child then yes, something sounds wrong to e and think maybe you need to have a chat with your gp.

It's okay to enjoy your own space, but its best to recognise when it's simply you enjoying your own space and when it's you not wanting to be around your baby.

Good luck and hope you feel better about things soon.

I think this is far more common then people let on. There seems to be so much pressure to love being with your dc all the time that you end up feeling bad if you don't and assuming there must be something wrong with you.

I have just started back at work, dd is almost 5 months and dp has taken 3 months parental leave to look after her for a bit. I am loving it! I was almost climbing the walls and couldn't wait to go back. Looking after her on my own for 5 days a week was just so bloody relentles and though I love her to bits I just didn't enjoy it. Now I am looking forward to working 3 days a week and then spending the other 4 days with dd and dp and not having to spend a whole day on my own with her for 3 whole months. Bliss :o

For a bit I have felt guilty about feeling this way but then I realised that I hear men talk like this all the time. Nobody questions there parental skills or love for their dc when they say how much they enjoy going to work and how hard they find it looking after the dc all day on their own, so why should it be any differant for me just because I am a woman.

Could have written your post. I love my DD to bits, but too long with her, particulalry on my own with her, drove me mad and still does at 32 months! Went back to work at 5 1/2 months, stopped breastfeeding at 4 months because DD wouldn't take a bottle of expressed milk (or formula) and I felt trapped by that, so in the end made bottle the only option. Was very relieved when she was on the bottle so could let my parents have her over night once in a while so DH and I could get a full nights sleep (she didn't sleep though once til a year old). Sometime I love spending time with DD, other times I'm counting down until DH gets home/ she goes to sleep etc.

I've often felt bad about this, particuarly since a few friends who have had kids since have seemed very different, e.g. one breastfed exclusively i.e. no bottles at all, for over a year, so had no time away from DD at all till she was well into weaning,and didn't ever seem to mind this. Another couldn't bring herself to return to work as planned despite causing financial problems. Another told me she has still never let her 4 yo DD stay at GPs over night as would miss her too much.

I'm glad my friends from NCT group mostly seemed more like me in terms of needing a break and not minding working / being happy to leave DCs with family / OHs, as this makes me feel less bad and more 'normal'.

I guess everyone is different in this respect, but certainly what you've said sounds very normal too me, as does feeling a bit guilty about it!

Oh, and I agree it definitely gets better when they sleep through,and also gets more fun from 1 onwards, although needing your own space doesn't go away!

You are not alone. I have 2 and still feel like you most days, and the immense guilt that comes with that. And I'm forced to stay at home. Mind you, DD is only 8months and very much not sleeping through so hopefully it will get better, as DS is 3.9 and lovely most of the time, I'm just a very boring mother to them both

I could have written this post word for word. I am at work but didn't want to post and run so I will reply in full later, but jsut wanted to note that I feel like you and also wondered whether I am the only one. Sometimes I think I work full time just to escape!

I too feel very much like you. I have a ds who is 7 months old. I returned to work for just 3 afternoons a week when he was 4 months old. My dh came home early from work to take over the childcare on these days. As I don't work over the school holidays, and my dh has a new job so can't take time off to help, I have been on my own with ds all day everyday for the last 4 weeks and it does drive me crazy at times. I look forward to the evenings when he is in bed and the weekends when dh is around to help. This makes me feel terribly guilty!

I really miss my old life and my freedom! Sometimes I wish that for just 1 day and could be that person again. This too makes me feel terribly guilty!

I actually phoned my gp in tears a week ago and got an emergency appointment. She did a questionnaire which suggested I was mildly depressed. She prescribed antidepressants. I picked them up from the chemist but have not taken them. I have decided that mildy depressed perhaps doesn't warrant taking pills until I give myself at leat another chance to get to grips with things.

I would say that what you are feeling does sound pretty common but that doesn't mean that you are not slightly depressed. What doesn't help is when other women don't admit they feel the same too which makes us feel we are rubbish and useless mums. This then pushes us down even further. None of my NCT group have ever admitted such feelings and rarely grumble about motherhood. I cannot believe that they are all enjoying it that much and am sure they just don't admit it. Having said that I have not admitted it to them so I'm just as bad!

I go out to 2 exercise classes a week now and this really helps me. It helps me burn off that guilt! Sometimes I feel too tired to go but often still make myself because I know it's good for me. At the weekends I will normally go out for a couple of hours on my own to the shops. Nevertheless, even though I'm dreading the prospect of putting my ds into childcare, I am looking forward to restarting back at work on september as I know it'll lift my spirits and that will be good for both me and my baby.

I think the important thing here is to know that you are not alone and to realise when, if ever, medical help and support is required. Good luck to you and I hope the time comes when we really can appreciate and enjoy our little uns as much as we strive to.

Yes, I have similar feelings about DD 18 months. I look back on her early babyhood with fondness because she was such a easy baby I actually got to do whatever I wanted (within reason). I also have an incredibly hands on husband who's work ours mean that he has pretty much given her every single bath since birth.

She is more demanding now that she is older and active and requires parenting, rather than just being cared for IYSWIM.

It was though, to be honest, a relief when she started at nursery (she loves it) and I started work.

Having said that, it is all (ok most) of my stay at home, earth mothery friends who complain 24/7 on Facebook, whereas my working friends tend to relish the time they spend with their children and do enjoy that time.

you are normal

mothers who go on about loving every second with their baby are protesting too much (sometimes not always)

I felt much like you for most of my dds' babyhood, even though I adored them. I was so glad I worked. Now, they're 7 and 5 and even though in many ways they're harder work, they're so much more fun, they're my little friends and I'm considering downsizing to spend more time with them. I was out with my not-Stepford friends the other night and we were all agreeing that we all had our days when we wondered why we'd had them. These are lovely, normal, sane, funny women, they're just honest enough to confess that motherhood is hard (esp in the school holidays). Celebs with millions of nannies blabbing on about how this is the best thing they've ever done etc have a lot to answer for too. You will be fine, good luck.

I was at a mother and baby group once and the 'directed talk topic' was about going back to work. We each had to say how we felt about it one by one. The first woman to speak was sitting there with a two week old and said she couldnt even think about it yet - fairly normal answer for a very new mummy I thought. I was next and said that although I loved my dd to bits, I was really looking forward to going back to work and having some 'me' time again. I explained how I was excited to get out of the house and speak to adults, put nice clothes on and do something that I knew I was good at. The next 15 women all gave the same answer: I am dreading it, I cant/wont leave my baby, Its just too hard to think about etc. I cried all of the way home because I felt so bloody guilty. I bonded immediately with my dd, she was all I ever wanted and I love her so much. We had a tough time with colic in the first few months but it made our connection deeper because I grew in confidence as I got through it. She is one now I cant put into words just how brilliant she is and I miss her whenever I am not with her. BUT, I found being at home really hard. I felt lonely, isolated, bored, useless, like my brain was turning to mush. I went back to work when she was 9 1/2 months old. I work 4 days so I am part time and it was the best thing that I did. Its hard, and I miss her, but I get to be 'me' again. I also make the most of the time I get with her, I really enjoy her. It helps that she loves nursery too and she is a very contented (yet strong willed) one year old.

As the other posters have said, you are not alone in feeling this way, but what I have learned is it does not make you a bad mother. You just want a balance, and there is nothing wrong with that. xx

Thank-you so so much for all of your posts. I did feel like I was going round the twist but this has made me see that what I feel is normal.

I just wish people I knew in groups would be more honest about how they feel really....some of my friends too perhaps.

I guess that if having time out and working makes me happier, then I'll be a better Mom. It may not be everyones vision of an ideal Mom, but if that makes me a different type of Mom then that is ok as well :)

Thank-you!

Xx

If this helps, I have friends who have stayed home until youngest is at school and have later reflected that they only did it because they thought it was right, rather than it was what they actually wanted to do or what made them happy. I think that if your care options are good, your child is happy there and their needs are well and truely met then working is perfectly acceptable.

Historically, the concept of a stay-at-home Mum is actually reasonably new. Way back when, even if a woman was not going out to work, the chances are that she possibly had a trade at home (sewing, laundry etc) or if upper class, the children were with a nanny in any case.

What really helped me was finding mums who felt the same, who I have bene utterly honest with every step of the way and who have bee utterly honest with me too - helps we met each other when still pregnant I suppose (whittled down a small group from a very large group that met through mumsnet) and even though I hear the warts and all about their feelings on motherhood I still adore their children!

But I think it takes time to form those relationships - there probably are a lot of your friends with at least similar feelings but feel the pressure to say how wonderful they're finding it all

You're completely normal.
When I had DD1, for the first 4 months I wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM, even though I knew it was not possible. Then the relentless grind kicked in, and I was glad to get back to work. Working makes me more appreciative of the time I have with my DDs. It makes me realise that I have a right to a life of my own too, and that when they are asleep I am allowed to enjoy watching sci fi box sets, spending time with DH and generally doing my own thing.

The whole mother 24/7 thing is a very recent invention. Don't subscribe to it.

I can really empathise with your post, and it's good to read others' responses too.

I did have mild pnd and trouble bonding with my DD (now 2) because of various reasons (the birth, feeding, lots of hospital appts etc), but things are better now that she is older and more independent. But I definitely do still have days where I find being a mum a struggle, and I still long for her to nap so I can have a cuppa / read the paper / check my emails / go on mumsnet etc.

I don't think there's anything you can do to try and change how you feel, but don't try and compare yourself to other mums who claim they can't bear to go back to work / be separated from their babies for 5 minutes etc. We're all different, and besides, I think they must be exaggerating

Me-time is really important though. Even getting to enjoy a magazine in a bubble bath while the other half makes the tea is a welcome relief. Are you a single parent, or do you have a partner? If you're single, then being able to ask for help / time off is crucial.

I feel like you. I actually like going to work because I get to drink a cuppa in peace while it is still hot.

I know women that keep their kids up late as they can't stand being up without them!! I am certainly not one of those can't bear to be without my DS women. I hate the fact he doesn't nap now as I don't get that bit of me time.

Now that my ex has decided he wants nothing to with DS I don't get the guilt free time anymore....I am right fecked off about that. Everyone else says 'at least you get to spend more time with DS' all I think is aaarrgghhh!!