Being a stay at home mum

[Rachael20]

hi,
I don't really know where to start with this one. I have two dd, ages 2 and 5. I moved abroad with my dh job nearly 18mo ago (non-english speaking country). I left my job when we moved (I was part time,3 days a week).
I guess the problem is that I just haven't adjusted to being a stay at home mum yet. I literally spend my week, cooking, washing, cleaning etc, taking kids to childcare and various classes. I can't seem to stay on top of it either, all the tidying kids mess as well as our own.
I hear some working mums really having a go at stay at home mums, and stay at home mums gushing about how marvellous it is to be at home with their wonderful, angelic children. I just think I am missing something. I love my kids and they are great, but get them at the end of the day when they are tired, or fighting with each other, or generally being hyper when I am trying to get the dinner on/talk on the phone and I end up shouting. This isn't the sort of parent I want to be, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes dh gets back and I literally need to leave the house.
My elder is very shy and reticent, which I blame myself for. I want them to grow up to be confident and happy human beings.
I miss going out to work and having adult conversations. I tried to explain this to a friend from home and she literally thought I was mad. She said my life sounded like bliss. Its like I'm in a glass jar and I can't make people understand how I am feeling.
My husband tries to understand but I'm not sure he really can.
Anyway, I guess this doesn't make a lot of sense, I just wanted to write my thoughts down and wondered if anyone had any advice. I'm new to mumsnet,
Thanks, Rachael x

Hi,
I recently became a stay at home mum too. I've worked since i was 16 and like you i'm finding it hard sometimes. I only have one child, 9 months but i know i couldnt do this for long. I'm looking for another job and i suggest you do too. It doesn't matter what it is but it will help you have time for yourself. It will also be good for the children to have a few days where they are away from you. Don't worry about the quiet one too much as it's early days. My mum was always worried about me being shy when i was young but it never held me back. Everyone thinks i am so lucky to be at home but i plan to work as soon as i find a job.
Would finding a part-time job again be an option for you?

I'll try to help. I have quoted pieces of your post as this helps me:

• I moved abroad with my dh job nearly 18mo ago (non-english speaking country). I left my job when we moved (I was part time,3 days a week). This is a massive change and one that is hard to adjust to

-I guess the problem is that I just haven't adjusted to being a stay at home mum yet. I literally spend my week, cooking, washing, cleaning etc, taking kids to childcare and various classes. I can't seem to stay on top of it either, all the tidying kids mess as well as our own. I was once told to lower my standards. It still remains the best piece of advice I was ever given

• I hear some working mums really having a go at stay at home mums, and stay at home mums gushing about how marvellous it is to be at home with their wonderful, angelic children. I just think I am missing something. No you are not. I love my kids and they are great, but get them at the end of the day when they are tired, or fighting with each other, or generally being hyper when I am trying to get the dinner on/talk on the phone and I end up shouting. Me too. This isn't the sort of parent I want to be, but I can't seem to help it. Sometimes dh gets back and I literally need to leave the house. Absolutely normal, been there, done that

• My elder is very shy and reticent, which I blame myself for. I want them to grow up to be confident and happy human beings. There is only so much you can do to influence how your children are. They are individuals. I have 3. I parent them all the same. I have one shy one, one in your face shouty one and one...well he's complicated so I won't go into details!

Your post does make sense and it is the way an AWFUL lot of stay at home mums feel. I'm a lone parent to 3 and I had to give up a job when I got pregnant with twins. I'm not being competitive in saying that. I just totally understand your feelings. I escape by reading. Taking up invitations to go out - few and far between but I hid myself away for too long.

Try to make time for yourself. Recognise you are human, you've had a major life change and it is hard. I'll stop now as I have a tendency to waffle.

Hi Rachael20 I think I am with you rattling around in that glass jar!

I am also a sahm, have been pretty much for the last 4 years- I have a DD who is 6 and a DS who has just turned 3. Whilst I have not moved abroad (massive life change there even had you been just you and your DH) I have moved to a fairly quiet area in rural Scotland from being closer to a city.

There are so many factors to this but I am beginning to see the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.

My DS is now at ante pre school 4 mornings a week and will hopefully be at private nursery a full day too. Already, I feel differently about being at home and feel much happier and refreshed to see the DCs when they finish. When they are away from the house, I have head space to do whatever I like, usually a spot of housework but sometimes catching up on emails, the point is I can tend to my own needs and put myself first for a change. It has been really draining and although yes I love them dearly, I had been beginning to feel a bit resentful and pretty snappy at them. They are just kids being very enthusiastic chatty happy (generally) kids. I just kept feeling 'but what about me?!'

I have some friends who are honest about their feelings- as much the ones who work full time and have DCs as those who are sahms like me- but others are definitely of the mindset that they would go absolutely insane if they had to stay at home, they go out to work to get some peace!

I am now about to start a college course in a couple of weeks- part time evening but lasts all year, I cannot tell you how excited I am to be using that academic part of my brain again and yes, actually speaking with other adults at length about their opinions and stuff that matters (uninterrupted by wails of 'I'm hungry...I did a poo in my potty....where are my shoes?) This is ths start of a new chapter of my life, I am sure.

My DH has his own business and does okay on the whole, eventually I'd like to contribute to family income, this is the start of it.

I am lucky and I do get some time away, even overnight sometimes, it is great to get a breather from family life. However, I have been feeling increasingly frustrated and a bit sad, if I'm honest, I don't feel like I have been properly engaging with them for months.

I totally agree with what has been said Msnobody 's advice is spot on about lowering standards of housework and tidiness- mine would be 'as long as everyone is fed, rested and well, that is good enough.' The sorry state of our house used to really get to me but it is a home, it is lived in, eventually we will get round to decluttering properly, we will redecorate, but in the meantime, we are just living!

I am worried I will lose this in cyberspace so am going to post this now, will be back later!

Hello

I understand where you are coming from. I also have two children under 5 and I am abroad. I now have mornings on my own and that has helpes enormously, I have joined the gym and I am starting a language course. I don't know where you are with childcare but it sounds like you do get time alone - can you plan in the day things for you?

At a practical level I try to have a meal plan so I an shop and cook efficiently and take some of the "oh god this is such a daily grind" out of it. I often don' succeed but it is the idea. I have a cleaner so I don't do much around the house and as others have said, I do what needs to be done at home.

I would prefer to work part time and I think I would be a better parent but right now it is not practical and so the language learning is the mental challenge for me. Finding something challenging is a good idea.

I have been lonely, bored, frustrated - all of those things and it is not ideal that my husband works too many hours and I do not work at all.

I can only suggest having a plan and challenges for you and look to the future - can you work where you are living either in your old job or something new?

No magic solution, hope some of this helps.

Hello,

I´m definitely in that glass jar too. I´ve got two 3 and 6 and we live abroad although I was living here before dc were born so I haven´t had the change that you´ve had. I´m just not cut out for being at home. Because youngest is at preschool in the mornings, I don´t even feel like an sahm. I just feel unemployed and not able to find my next step. I worked 20 hours a week all the time the kids were very little until last year and gave up because I couldn´t stand work. Now I can´t stand being at home either. I think it must be something about my mindset. I think Oder´s point about having plans is a good one.
I also feel that the house is always in a complete state although I have four hours a day to do house work. My planning is so bad that I shop every day (I can´t drive so I have to carry all the shopping so I can´t do a big shop) and we still have a crisis every single day for something I´ve forgotten (this morning we all ate dry toast with no butter...). DH works full time and does really a lot of housework - he just can´t understand how I can get so little done and be so disorganised. I feel so rubbish. I cook good meals every evening but dc refuse to eat anything but toast and rice cakes. Last night I got really cross at them because of that - it´s mainly because that´s the only thing I did feel on top of. Same as you, rather than having nice, relaxed times with the kids as I´d imagined when I gave up work, I just lose my temper at them for nothing.
Well, I suppose the first place to start is stop mumsnetting and get the house cleared up and my shopping list made - TRY not to forget anything!

hi, thanks for all the replies. You guys are a nice bunch.
I like the comments about cooking and shopping. I could make a meal plan and that would get rid of 'what on earth am I going to cook' scenario every day.
I do get some time on my own, I send my youngest to a childminder (v. expensive!) as I have two language lessons a week during the day. Next year will be better as she will be able to go to state nursery.
I also like the idea of not striving to have a show home. I have small kids and I'm pretty knackered with them, let alone the amount of cleaning I feel I should be doing.
Thankyou, I'm feeling a lot less down that when I wrote this yesterday. I guess I'm feeling a lot less alone too.
Hope you all have good weekends,
Rx

I love it when the OP comes back!

Good luck Rachael20. You sound more positive. We all have our down days. x

Rachael20 how are you today?

You sounded happier and more focused in Fri's post, I hope it has continued.

I definitely feel better on the weeks I plan meals properly rather than shopping for bits every day. We eat healthier and nicer meals and then everybody's mood is improved.

You are already tending to your needs in the form of those language lessons, even if it does mean paying for a childminder. It's really important for me to keep my mind active and challenged. I am now counting the days til my course starts!

I also second the suggestion of exercise, I try to go to 3 classes a week, including one in the swimming pool, that really de-stresses me and now I look forward to it. I am really missing it this last week and the one coming, my aerobics' instructor is on her holidays. There's really nothing like leaping around for an hour getting sweaty and beetroot red for my sanity.

The clutter has been tidied in this room but all that has done is unearthed the revolting levels of dust and 'stour,' ah well, tomorrow's another day

You've had loads of great advice. Can I add something very practical in relation to housework etc (other than "lower your standards" mine, unfortunately can't get much lower!)

Flylady. (if you can stand the sparkles & twee, which I can't)
Or
(my solution) Habithacker - google it, it's a great system for getting on top of the chaos. I combine it with an app on my phone called Home Routines.

I went from being a full-time working Mum with a cleaner, to a SAHM. I won't say my house is perfect, but the system does help me get things under control and not get so stressed/panicked about it all.