sharing toys with new sibling - I feel like I'm about to be mean to DD1

[WheresVinick]

DD1 is 3.9 and DD2 is a baby - just starting to grab things from DD1 and to sit playing with toys. I guess it won't be long before she's on the move, either.

Pretty much all the toys in the house belonged to DD1 originally. She was very keen to give the baby all her old baby toys, had happily let the highchair go etc. I'm starting to run into trouble with sharing, though. We have a musical toy which is suitable for both the baby and DD1. It also has lots of parts (bells, a shaker, a drum etc etc) so it can be easily shared. DD2 was happily playing with part of it. DD1 invoked 'mine' and tried to take the whole thing away. The thing is, it IS DD1's - but only because she was here first. What do you say? I made DD1 share, but it wasn't a comfortable experience!

I realised that I was expecting DD1 to share many of her bigger toys as DD2 gets older - things like lego, train track, dolls house etc. Is that a fair expectation? Especially for the much-loved dolls house? What have others done? And how did it go?!

things that are clearly 'communal' toys e.g. shops, trainsets, duplo, farm set, musical instruments etc are all available to be equally shared for all 3 kids and in a communal location.

A few things which DC1 particularly loved/loves go in his room along with things which are too old for the younger two. Periodically I talk to him about things (mainly books) which are in his room and how it's time to pass them down and then they go in the communal area - DC1 can still play with them but then they are to share.

With the younger two (girls) they share some of the dolls stuff but have their own individual dolls, and there are two of some things e.g. toy cot as they frequently play with these together.

I plan to buy the younger two one dolls house to share at Christmas/birthday time.

Each child gets new toys now as they go along e.g. days out/presents - they have their own of these but generally are happy to share anyway.

interested in this - dd1 pretty much same age as yours, dd2 is 8 months but very active and grabby...I try to get DD1 to substitute - so to give dd2 something to play with (always something of hers, like you) while she gets something else. It's tricky and she's actually pretty good and will trot off herself to get dd2 a toy to play with. Nonetheless she gets first dibs. I have to say I tend not to make too big a deal of it - dd2 looks like she will be well able to fight her own corner

like you dd1 has given over cot, high chair, jumperoo, most of her old clothes to dd2. Plus also have to share her parents and the cat with her too!

Hmm, watching with interest! I have 2 dc 20 months apart. DS has never had a problem with sharing until the last month when DD has started walking. Very tricky, like you, if it is a toy with multiple pieces, he wants them all. She has grown out of baby toys now, and of course just wants to see and touch everything her big brother has! I will be most intrigued to see what happens at the weekend, as it's her birthday! Most of her presents from us are things that DS will like too
I guess the main difference for me though is that as they get older, they might start to develop different interests so will hopefully not want what the other one has anymore!

TOBG - what's your age gap from 1 to 2? I was wondering if I'm finding it tricky because of the relatively long gap (3.5 years)...

rhetorician - DD1 will do this too. But I can see how that's only going to work for a few more months and then DD2 will be off and grabbing! It's the "mine" thing I'm struggling with, I suppose.

WoW - hadn't thought of that. OK - ANY age gap is going to be tricky!

The chances are that you bought far more stuff for DD1 than you will buy for DD2 (because you won't go out and buy a toy when you already have one like it) so personally I would see it as 'poor DD2 never gets new things, hers are all second hand' rather than 'poor DD1 has to share the things that used to be hers' - maybe that's because I'm a second child myself!

I have 3 DC and nearly all toys are shared. Whoever was playing with it first gets priority, and the one who comes along and tries to take it has to wait their turn. However I agree with theotherboleyngirl that if something is particularly loved by or age appropriate to a specific child, then that is theirs, but in that case the toy should be kept somewhere else to avoid confusion.

Ah, there was me thinking that a bigger age gap must better because they would have different interests from the beginning
DS does have a couple of special toys (namely a free toy from a magazine ) that we try to give him exclusive use of, and we do the taking turns thing with whoever had it first.

tumble - can you tell that I'm an eldest? It does make me realise that I may be projecting a little! I think what I need to do is start shifting her fave stuff upstairs. That will make the whole thing clearer. She has three spare shelves, so she's got plenty of space from which to begin her toy-grab!

I have a 3.7 year gap and someone advised me not to say to ds, these toys were yours, but these are toys you used to play with when you were little.
Dd is 6mo and so far ds loves finding toys to 'share' with her. He's really got into some baby toys since she was born, so I'm hoping the novelty will wear off soon and keep saying 'dd will enjoy playing with that soon. You can show her what to do'. Ds insisted on going into baby room at nursery for about 2 weeks after she was born and then had enough of it, so I'm hopeful.

Teaching him to tidy up and keep small parts of Lego etc away from her will be much harder. There's just so much stuff!

I don't think it mean to make her share, its a skill that will help her throughout life and if there are a few things special that she loves then let her keep those separate but everything else, it should be fine to share. I really wouldn't feel bad about everything used to be hers and oh she gave up cot, highchair, etc - i mean would she have been interested in having those still anyway?? im sure probably not so wouldn't make it too big a deal for her?
although it might be a bit harder with the bigger age gap, as the older is more able to think in terms of "thats mine" when the baby comes along but i never felt guilty about getting my eldest to share. im more like someone else mentioned, feeling sorry for the younger ones getting less bought originally for them. I have 3 and the oldest 2 share most things, just a couple of things each that are specific to them, and the younger one starting to get more interested in all their things now too so they will have to share with him as well. I'm not buying 3 whole sets of everything so they can have their own separate version of everything and never have to share!

yes I try to get DD1 to share; it's not that she cares about cot, etc. any more than she cares about the toys that dd2 now plays with, more that these represent her changed status quite strongly to her - so 'mine' is a bit more than a tussle over a toy. Having said that, sharing of course very important, but I think dd1 does pretty well with dd2 on the whole, so I don't push it on every single occasion

notcitrus - I like that formulation. It's harder for the stuff that she remembers unwrapping, I suppose. Still, even that thought is useful. I'll get some house lego now, rather than wait until her birthday I think...!