Feeling guilty about feeling anger :(

[fhdl34]

Last night my 7.5 month old DD woke in the night and wouldn't go back to sleep. She wasn't crying, ill or anything else, she just was awake. And I felt anger towards her for it. I've never felt anger towards her before. I've felt frustration but never anger. I didn't do anything, I didn't act out, I just felt angry about it because I really just needed to sleep.
I feel really, really bad about it. Worse now that I told my DH and all he could say was "she can't help it". I KNOW she can't help it, I'm not blaming her, I just feel really shitty about it. I don't even know what I wanted him to say.
The last 2 nights she's slept really badly and been waking a lot but usually I can feed her back to sleep within about 5 minutes.
The last 2 nights have been particularly bad, I've not had more than 2hrs sleep in a row. Last night we ended up co-sleeping, I sent DH to spare room and she came into bed with me because I was so exhausted I thought i was going to drop her. She went to sleep for 4hrs and although I did sleep, I kept waking up because I'm just not comfortable co-sleeping with her, I can't relax and I don't feel safe doing it. I only do it as an absolute last resort.
I don't know quite why things feel hard today, she is a very happy baby and quite "easy" as well. But tonight when she woke again not even an hour after I'd put her down, DH had to go and settle her in the end because I tried 3 times and failed.
I'm going out tomorrow night with work without DD for the first time since she was born and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll only be out for a couple of hours and home in time to put her to bed but I'm just looking forward to not being responsible for her for a bit. And I'm back to work on Thursday too.

Sorry, I don't know why I put all that, I just needed to write it down somewhere. I can't tell anyone else in RL, and telling DH was next to useless. I hate that my beautiful, innocent, baby girl has invoked these feelings in me, even though they were only there for a few moments. I think I may need to toughen up.
Off to bed, night night MN

Don't feel guilty, it's horrible not getting enough sleep, and you had an understandable reaction to it! You didn't show it and it won't do your baby the slightest bit of harm. It's just you being human! My DS has been having a few nightmares recently, and I feel annoyed when he wakes me up, as I want to be sleeping, and I am nowhere near as sleep deprived as you sound! I hope tonight is better!

I think we've all been there with feeling anger at some point, and then feeling horribly guilty about it especially in the middle of the night when you're exhausted.

Don't worry - they don't know! I used to find feeding such a flashpoint (my DS is now nearly 2) and would have to trill pleasantly "just going to pop to the loo" and then go and do a silent dance of anger and swearing in the hallway, before composing myself and carrying on.

Thank you, it means a lot that you took the time to post and have experienced the same. I went to bed at 11 and she woke at 12 and 1 but then slept till 5 and then again till 7. No problems getting her back down which makes it easier and I got a 4hr block of sleep. When I add up the time I'm sleeping I feel like I shouldn't feel tired because it adds up to about 7-8hrs but I think it's because it's broken up, an hour here, 2 hours there, 4hrs if I'm lucky. Feeling a bit better today anyway so hopefully she'll have a happier mummy. Not that she realises or it affects her thank goodness

Don't feel guilty at all, it gets everyone at times. My son is the most precious thing to me in the world but I remember going back to work and he had decided sleeping was no longer needed! He was up 2-4 hours every night. I kept wondering in the mornings why my jaw would hurt so much until I realised how much I was clenching my jaw at night in frustration and, at times, anger! It is normal, and I don't think it is particularly anger at your child at that point but anger at the situation and set of circumstances.

as you said, I too have had my moments of just putting baby in cot and walking off to the other end of the house to scream and then normally burst into tears!

It gets better I promise!!

I have a 5yo and a 1yo, when my 1yo was about 7 mo i was at the end of my teather.. i couldnt sleep without either one of them waking me up every hour which resulted in me been moody and i didnt seem to be able to do anything house work wise.. in the end i asked my M.I.L to have them for the day and got all my jobs done had a good nap. it was just what i needed and it was so nice to pick them both up and have them excited to see me for a change!

could you ask someone to do the same for you?xx

Don't feel bad at all i have a non sleeper and i can say there have been a good few times ive felt really angry he won't sleep. Being sleep deprived is literally a form of tourture and does funny things to your brain it makes you irritable and emotional. DS doesn't sleep well but is shattered and cranky most of the day and it annoys me so much i just wish he could understnad if your tired sleep!!

The best thing to do is have a rant get it out i phone my mum and say things like i'm sick of DS he's driving me mad i could kill that boy grr grr grr i don't mean it but i makes me feel a hundred times better just venting my frustration.

and on that note this bloody baby has been crying for 2 hours shattered but will not go back to sleep! He's driving me mad

Goodness, I could have written your post this week, OP. My LO is only 5 months, so I've not had as long at this sleep deprivation thing as you but earlier in the week (and last night) I could have just screamed and howled in anger after DD woke every 15 minutes from 1 am until 6am on Friday night. I managed to keep it all in and squash it down in front of DD (who had 4 feeds in the night, before getting up as 6 this morning) but broke down in tears at my coffee group today when somebody asked me if I was okay.

Tiredness is just destroying. Everything is harder, emotions are heightened. No real advice, just sympathy. Oh, and repeating the MN mantra 'This too shall pass' helps me in the darkest hours.

Today was a better day, we were out and about all day at a group then meeting some other mums and babies, then I went out for dinner this evening, first socialising I've done without DD in tow. It was lovely to get away for a bit on my own but lovely also to come home to my gorgeous DD and DH. He tried to put her to bed but she apparently screamed blue murder so he brought her downstairs where she was fine. It would seem bedtime without mummy is just not the done thing round here just yet :)