Those vile fantasies so many of us mums have - a brainstorming thread

[FlamingoBingo]

Why? What on earth is the purpose of those 'what if...' fantasies I know so many of us have?

I know I'm not alone in having them, as I've spoken to so many other mums about them, so if they're so common, surely they have a purpose - what do you think it is?

I mean when we imagine a whole scenario about some awful thing happening to one of our children, or other loved one, followed by very real tears and/or even a rehearsal of how we'll feel when the tragedy occurs.

And what do you think is the best thing to do with these feelings? Should we just go for it and feel them all? Or should we suppress them? Why?

I'll admit here that I really want to write a blog post about this, but the only reason is because it's been on my mind so much and I want to figure out how to deal with it for myself. My mum says we should suppress them or we'd get far too anxious...but then I don't know why we have them if there isn't some use for them...?

Any thoughts?

I do stuff like this quite a lot and I am a very anxious person. I don't come across as one and people are always surprised when i say I suffer from anxiety. I think these thoughts are unhelpful to be honest and I try to suppress them. It doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse and worry more. I have terrible anxiety about my health and death and I often imagine my death and funeral or those I love. I didn't realise others did it too actually!

CBT. Very useful so I can have anxious feelings but realise that they aren't reality. I sometimes get myself all worked up into a state, catch myself doing it and have a good laugh.

But sometimes it is quite useful to have thought through the worst case, then at least you are ready if anything bad does happen. I'm great in a bad situation because I can just get on with what needs to be done. I've already done all the shocked, emotional bits!

I lay in bed at night going over scenarios where the house is on fire and how I'll get everyone out or imagine one of the DCs being attacked by a dog. I get clammy hands and my heart starts pumping so I can't sleep, but on the plus side, I feel that if these things did happen I'd be better prepared to deal with them, having gone over it so many times! I always make sure the stairs and doorways are clear so that I can get out at night and I'm on my guard around dogs anyway, so I think its helpful.

It can get out of control of you think too much like that - you need to try to change your way of thinking as you might have some kind of anxiety condition lurking around (or might in the future). I came from a very anxious home and learned some of those behaviours but just it in the habit of squashing any negative thoughts wholesale when they did happen and replacing them with strong positive thoughts and that seemed to do the trick.

I'm glad I'm not alone in having these thoughts. every time DH travels abroad for work I go through this whole scenario in my head about something dreadful happening to him and his not coming back. In fact I think the reason I always get so sad when he does go is because a part of me thinks I'll never see him again.
I try not to wallow!

Fern my DH is away this week and I am going through all those thoughts. I can't find my passport atm so worrying that if something happened I wouldn't be able to get out to him if anything happened. Stupid really and I can laugh at myself doing it - after a while.

I have never worried like this about DD, but I have worried about DH - in fact I used to make myself cry regularly. I'm not sure why I suddenly stopped having these anxiety fantasy freak outs, but it stopped last year when things really did go wrong - not for DH but for me.

Other than the occasional downer when I worry about what would have happened to DD and DH had I not survived I generally just wake up thankful that I did survive, and very rarely dwell on what ifs.

I was raised to be a worrier - my mum and granny are nightmares when it comes to worrying - but I think, somehow, the worst almost happening actually cured me of worrying, if you see what I mean. Looking forward to reading your blog post on the subject OP

it's not just me then- regularly have thoughts that make me want to run to where no-one can hear me and scream and scream- wish they would go away.

my DH is often away too.

I don't think the media helps with its obsession with focusing on the dark side of human nature. i feel less anxious when i limit listening to or watching the news (having the side effect of cutting me off further from the world though?).What really helps is out-load affirmations- "my children are safe, my family is protected" etc- that calms me down considerably.

I also think that it is a build up of adrenalin and hormones from pregnancy, childbirth, life etc that could be dealt with with regular strenuous exercise, except that being at home with LO's it is difficult to do it.

So you all think it's actually something wrong in our wiring to make us so anxious, and not something that could be useful? I wonder if stone-age mothers did it too?

I do this and have wondered if I was weird for it!
Think it's to do with controlling things which are generally uncontrollable. if you think through every scenario, you've planned for the worst already.

I sort of let the thought run for a bit to get it out the way, but don't over-indulge it. I think everyone should have some thought about the worst-case scenarios otherwise as that's what makes us do sensible things like take out life insurance and have a fire-escape plan!

Maybe it's a throw back to a time when we really did have to fight for survival every day? A kind of overactive instinct which is being underused iyswim. So instead of really having to worry we give ourselves reasons to worry. Not sure if I'm being clear.

I wonder if people who live in war zones, or areas of famine, or even people in Europe who have major survival worries (serious illnesss for example) get so worried over imagined scenarios.

Rikers - that sounds like a sensible approach

Petite - yes! That makes a lot of sense :)

I used to live in a flat up a giant flight of stairs with a low banister and every time I carried DD down them when she was a baby I used to 'see' me dropping her and her bouncing down to the bottom dead. The worst times were when I'd imagine her head coming off. Sorry that's so graphic. It used to make me so upset, really hysterical, every time and I did stop going outside for a couple of weeks because I couldn't deal with it.

Looking back that was the start of my PND; now that I'm getting help with that I'm much better at keeping awful thoughts like that down. It helps that we've moved to a normal two storey house!

I used to worry horribly when DS was little that I would die in my sleep or something and he would be all alone, and would someone hear him screaming before he starved? (I am a single parent and though DS dad is involved with him and visits at least twice a week he doesn't live nearby; we had moved into a new area so didn't have friends who would pop in regularly...)

Luckily those ideas are long gone now that DS is old enough to use a phone/go next door and ask for help if something happened.

That's the kind of worries I get, Kaloo.

SGB - do you worry about anything else now he's older?