This might be a bit long and is written in the iPad so apologies for typos.
I have two children aged 7 and 4. My daughter is my eldest and she is bright, funny, energetic, enthusiastic. She is also, at the moment, incredibly wilful, sulky, ungrateful and occasionally mean. I have caught her being mean to her little brother and also being mean to her friends when they come 'round to play or if we meet them at the park etc. Essentially she is a bit spoilt I think. She has always been unable to entertain herself and whatever we are doing she never allows herself to enjoy it, instead constantly asking what's next. Even during special treats she is asking for ice-creams, to go somewhere else, to see someone else etc.
If we are doing something that she doesn't want to do she simply sulks for the entire time making it unpleasant for everyone else. With her friends she is bossy and if they don't do as she wants she simply refuses to do anything. She has reduced a couple of them to tears of frustration.
She has started shouting at me and occasionally refusing to do as she is asked.
Writing it down it doesn't look too bad but actually the atmosphere here is dreadful. She is naughty, I tell her off, she is naughty, I tell her off in a constant cycle. We try REALLY hard with positive consequences for good behaviour and allowing her to take herself for "calm down time" in her room if she feels like she needs it, but I also don't think I should let her get away with poor behaviour (kicking her brother, making her friends cry, throwing mini tantrums) so I challenge it.
Sometimes I challenge it calmly, and sometimes, to my shame, i get really angry and shout things I don't even mean. For example, "if you can't be nice you will have to go and live at grandma's". I know how damaging this is. My childhood was spent being shouted and screamed at by a bipolar mother and I am DESPERATE to be better at parenting than that. But I seem to have lost my way. I am either telling her off, or worse shouting at her, or in tears because I feel so lost that my lovely little girl is acting like this. I realise both of these responses are not entirely normal and so wonder what I can do? I really don't want to damage her self esteem by telling her she is being naughty ALL THE TIME!
Add into this a lovely but incredibly energetic and boisterous four year old and I am starting to get to the position where I don't really want to take them out on my own because I can't manage both of their behaviour at the same time without getting incredibly stressy and shouty.
So, does anybody have any advice? Our mantra at the moment is "be consistent, use rewards and consequences, and TRY to be calm" but I am finding it all so draining and feel a complete failure at the moment.