what is the ettiquite for correcting other peoples kids

[EntWife]

DD1 is 2.3y/o. We went to our local splash pool on friday. DD was having a wonderful time splashing about. Some of the children had balls and water pistols etc and DD was quite interested in them.

At one point a ball that some little boys where playing with landed right in front of her. She picked the ball up and about a second later the owner of the ball, a boy maybe 12 months older than her bounded over to collect the ball. DD held the ball out to him and asked him if she could play too. He shouted No! at her, snatched the ball from her hands and threw it back over his head to his friends and then punched DD in the chest knocking her over.

Now normally i am all for letting the kids sort out disagreements between themselves but when i saw DD go down and her little shoulders slump i went into protective mum mode. I strode over to her intending to sccop her up but and in doing so passed the little boy. I leaned down to him and i said i thought he was a horrible little boy and that he should go straight to his mum and tell her how nasty he had been. He just smirked and ran off. I then picked DD up and we moved to a different part of the pool but the fun was spoiled for her and we eventually left.

When i picked her up i carried her to the side of the pool where our stuff was. I was gathering our stuff up and another mum who had been sitting a little way away and saw what happened came over to me and said that next time i should probably just leave it to the kids to sort out and that i was doing DD no favours by getting involved. at the time i felt totally justified and so just kind of shrugged and said i would keep it in mind and moved away but now am wondering if i did overreact and should of stayed out of it?

It is just that DD was being so polite and hadn't tried to pinch the ball, she was just holding it out for him to take. His reaction was so disproportionate and well just plain nasty that i felt compelled to intercede. How else is he going to learn that that behaviour is not acceptable. DD was not in any position to stand up to him.

Would be interested to know how other parents handle this type of situation.

Telling him off is fine, it's the way it was done which isn't.

I quite often tell off other children, but do tend to try to keep it to a "you pushed my son and he fell, which is why he is crying, it's not nice to push" - but only if DS gets upset and if a parent doens't appear to be around.

I would expect the same to be done of my child, but would be a bit hrumph if someone said he was horrible if he pushed someone - a 3 year old is still pretty small, even if it isn't a nice thing to do.

I'd of told him off no idea, what I would have said.

I was once told I terrified one of DDs toddler friends. I shouted at him for shoving her over. No more loudly than I tell my own DDs off and it was in a very noisy hall.

I couldn't believe he'd gone off fussing to his mum.

It was my first introduction to the strange world of modern parenting, which even though my DDs are now teens still mystifies me.

In my day if you did something stupid, nearest adult told you off. If your parents found out they told you off too!

I think there are a few things going on here:

1. The hit: hitting is unacceptable, & within the realms of things one can tell other people's kids off for imo. But it's easy enough to do that in a way that focuses on the behaviour rather than calling the child horrible. I suspect your emotions got in the way and you were lashing out - from what you've said what upset you most was your child's innocent, friendly gesture being rebuffed so harshly.
2. The child didn't want to play with yours. A shame he didn't say it in a nicer way, but that to me is one of those things that you as an adult have to help your child manage, rather than expecting to solve every time. Helping her handle the fact that sometimes people won't be nice, and you can rise above it/get on with your own thing.
3. How you told him off is the bit I am most uncomfy about - as an parent, modeling confrontation is part of our job, imo. I think showing your child you can a) talk calmly to people who have treated you badly and b) continue to enjoy yourself despite them would have been my goal. Not saying you ignore bad behaviour - but that a calm, authorative tone is more effective.

So, I would tread a line between your high intervention strategy, and the other mum who said leave them to sort it - as others have said, a simple "That's not nice - don't hit please" in a calm but no nonsense voice, and then continuing to enjoy the water with your dd.

I have to admit, if I saw someone punch my DD in the way you'd described, I'd have a few things to say too.

True - it's not very PC to call the child (as opposed to slipping in the word behaviour...) horrible. And true - some parents will not be impressed if you have words with their offspring.

This contributes to the sense of entitlement that some kids foster at the moment IMO. Why on earth shouldn't you have something to say to the brat child who just punched your daughter? If his mother isn't doing it and the staff aren't doing it then... it just passes by without comment?

I miss the days when grown-ups were in charge.

(luckysocks feels old)

I would have done the same and in fact DH did once to a group of boys who were being very unkind to DS1. I totally get where you are coming from and TBH the other mum should have kept it out.

I think you did right OP and tbh if you said the same to my 3yo DS, if he had done that, I would agree with you and make him apologise and not ever do it again.

Children don't learn how to behave until they are taught how to and how not to behave. And a 3yo punching or pushing or slapping is unacceptable behaviour and the child needs to know that.

sorry, didnt mean to abandon the thread. Got busy and hadnt been online.

Interesting mix of opinions. I guess i am just old school. When i was a kid my mother would have come down on me like a tonne of bricks if i had of ever even thought of behaving like that and would have expected any passing adult who witnessed my transgression to do the same until she got there. I like to think that DD would be in the same world of trouble if she behaved like that.

But still, those that have disagreed with what i did have given me something to think about.

I think the bit about you calling him a horrible little boy is what grates on me.

I'd go for saying the behaviour was not nice, rather than the child.