Physical aggression from older to younger DC

[sleepisunderated]

Wasn't sure where to put this but would be grateful for some advice as this is a new issue we've come across. My DP has two DC, my DSC. DSD is 16 and DSS is 13. They don't live with us full-time, but we see them on a regular basis. DP and I also have a DD together who is 3yo. DP and I have been together for 10 years. Things have been absolutely fine up until now. The older two dote on DD and vice versa.

The other day, I was in the lounge with all three DC. DSC were watching TV and DD was playing on the floor. I went upstairs for a few minutes but the lounge door was open. I heard DD go to DSS with a toy and ask him to play. He replied that he didn't want to. She asked again, and he snapped back that he didn't want to. There was a short pause and then I heard DSD exclaim in a horrified tone, told DSS he "musn't do that" and then asked DD if she was ok. Next thing was DSD hurriedly leaving the room with DD under her arm. DD asked to go back in the lounge and DSD said to her "no, let's leave DSS alone for a while".

I called DSD to me and asked what had happened (I suspected I already knew) and she confirmed that DSS had given DD a hard shove which had caused her to fall over backwards. DD seemed none the worse for wear physically but seemed sad. DSS is a very strong, solid boy and DD is tiny.

DP and I spoke to DSS, said it was unacceptable etc and he appeared sorry, but not massively so. The whole thing threw us really, because it happened shortly before the DSC were picked up by their mum and has never been an issue before. We also checked there was nothing bothering DSS and there doesn't appear to be- certainly he has seemed fine up til then.

I am not sure how much of this is normal, i.e pushing/shoving between large age gap siblings. All I know is that I now feel very uncomfortable and feel panicky about DD 'bothering' DSS. DSS wasn't trapped in the lounge, he could have got up and watched tv elsewhere, or spoken to me if DD was a problem, but from the sound of it he just 'snapped'. i should add that DSS had been out with a friend that day and hadn't seen DD for several days before that, so it's not as though they'd been in each others pockets etc.

Any experience of this?

Anyone?

My experience is that I was the little kid who got regularly picked on by the older siblings (including physical blows). Sorry I've no solutions for you. I'm sure MNers will express outrage & expect you to come down on the DSS like 20 tonnes of bricks. Given he's a step-son, I'd be pulling my partner in on this heavily.

Thanks. Sorry to hear you had that problem. My siblings and I used to fight on occasions but we were close in age and it was six of one, half a dozen of the other scenario. Dss hasn't shown signs of it before at this house, and is usually sweet to his little sister. I think what has made me uncomfortable is the age gap, the size difference and the speed with which he reacted. DP didn't deal with it as thoroughly as I would have expected, but it did rather take us by surprise. I think DP will want to brush it under the carpet and thinks I am overreacting. Maybe I am. We are not seeing the DSC for a couple of weeks now as they are away with their mum but I am already thinking what if she bothers dss again?

Might have to sit down & do a heart-to-heart talk together when he next visits, then.

Sorry I don't. But as an outsider looking in a 13 yo being aggressive with a 3 yo is not good. Esp given your DSD's reaction.

He is old enough to know he should not behave like that.

I know your DH will struggle with this, but a 3 yo can not defend themselves, you and your DH must put her first.

For now, talk about it with your DH, and make sure they are not left alone until this has been resolved.

There are 11 and 9 years between my ds1 and ds2 and ds3 and we get a lot of this. Ds3 can be really annoying and I often have to Remind ds2 especially to be careful as he is so much bigger. I expect he probably got a fright himself at how easily she fell over. I would consider it dealt with now. Keep an eye on the two of them when he is next staying and discuss with him any behaviour you think is inappropriate. However you also have to tell your dd if she is annoying dss.